(no subject)
these are the things i'm afraid to be heard saying:
i am spirit.
i AM spirit -- my soul is old and it is young and i hear it crying to be free of its entanglements.
i was made for God. God is the world. so i am for the world.
and i need to get to work.
real, honest, dumb Work -- work that is hard, that has a beginning and an end.
i want work that produces sweat, that includes failure, work that must involve others to finally get done.
i want to labor in the company of other humans. i want to finish something i know needs to be finished.
but i am weak and conditioned and confused and encumbered and fearful of everything.
i am scared of dissapointing my parents, scared of being unable to support my wife-to-be and my children-to-come.
i am scared of alone-ness, of being mocked and scorned. i am afraid of being a jesus.
and yet, when i consume the fruits of other's labors, when i allow myself to become a thing that devours,
when i work only for My Self or My Future or My Seeds, i feel unaccomplished. pleasant, but not grounded, popular but not With God.
in LA, people find Their Calling. they get ahead. they pursue Their Dreams, advance Their Future.
but i am not for myself, so i am not for LA. i feel myself robbing a bank here, coming under the secrecy of Night and Pilot Season, to try and grab a stack of loot and run off with. back to my cave where others like me huddle in the cold and discuss tomorrow's chores.
the hard work people do in Hollywood mostly serves the Self. it is illusory -- its work that helps propel and maintain a man-made machine that helps propel and maintain another man-made machine. nothing gets finished. nothing lasting is built. the state of People on the Planet is not improved, they are only made more distracted from the tasks that confront them.
what i feel myself put on earth to do is the most Absurd, Ridiculous and Incomprehensible thing a young, healthy, intelligent American in 2010 could want to do. i want to make only enough money to eat, rest and enjoy the Natural World and Its People. i want to avoid Fame and Celebrity and instead cultivate Appreciation and Respect. i'd rather be loved by some, somewhere, than known by many, everywhere. i want to be a model for making the hard decision, an example of a man who could have pursued Anything and chose instead to relate simply, faithfully to God and Community.
but we, human beings in the United States of America in the year 2010, have evolved away from God. we have confused Her Wisdom for a book of human words, Her Perfect Order for a set of human laws, Her One Home for a host of human churches. we have called her vengeful, demanding, have been taught to Fear (!!!) her, have been told how to relate to her, have sought ever to paint her with a human face and describe her with human words. and since humans are only flesh and thought, prey always to confusion, we have grown distrustful of this too-human God. today, the only national discussion regarding God is about the horrors and injustices committed in the name of Religion.
but God is not Religion. Religions are organizations, businesses, sometimes communities.
God is the Spirit of the World. She is the Light behind a living thing's eyes and the mechanism that turns CO2 into Oxygen and back again. she is the Mystery, everything we experience that is Beyond Language.
and yet, even Christian men and women, who care deeply about me, encourage me to "pursue my Dream" and seek Success and Prosperity. many hold no dearer hope for themselves than to accumulate wealth to pass out to their families and pass on to their grandchildren.
but isn't it harder for a rich man to achieve Heaven than to pass a fucking camel through a needle's eye? didn't Christ say that? didn't he tell us to leave our riches behind, that they will only confuse and impede us?
what of that wisdom?
i am Spirit.
i am Spirit caged by bone, paralyzed by thought.
the pressure of other people's Eyes and Opinions keeps me safe, well-behaved, humming along.
but i truly want to perform only for God.
and yet i know that to let my Spirit out, i must betray, i must dissapoint,
i must endure the feeling of having pissed good people off and let good people down.
for one thing to be free,
something else must break.
i am spirit.
i AM spirit -- my soul is old and it is young and i hear it crying to be free of its entanglements.
i was made for God. God is the world. so i am for the world.
and i need to get to work.
real, honest, dumb Work -- work that is hard, that has a beginning and an end.
i want work that produces sweat, that includes failure, work that must involve others to finally get done.
i want to labor in the company of other humans. i want to finish something i know needs to be finished.
but i am weak and conditioned and confused and encumbered and fearful of everything.
i am scared of dissapointing my parents, scared of being unable to support my wife-to-be and my children-to-come.
i am scared of alone-ness, of being mocked and scorned. i am afraid of being a jesus.
and yet, when i consume the fruits of other's labors, when i allow myself to become a thing that devours,
when i work only for My Self or My Future or My Seeds, i feel unaccomplished. pleasant, but not grounded, popular but not With God.
in LA, people find Their Calling. they get ahead. they pursue Their Dreams, advance Their Future.
but i am not for myself, so i am not for LA. i feel myself robbing a bank here, coming under the secrecy of Night and Pilot Season, to try and grab a stack of loot and run off with. back to my cave where others like me huddle in the cold and discuss tomorrow's chores.
the hard work people do in Hollywood mostly serves the Self. it is illusory -- its work that helps propel and maintain a man-made machine that helps propel and maintain another man-made machine. nothing gets finished. nothing lasting is built. the state of People on the Planet is not improved, they are only made more distracted from the tasks that confront them.
what i feel myself put on earth to do is the most Absurd, Ridiculous and Incomprehensible thing a young, healthy, intelligent American in 2010 could want to do. i want to make only enough money to eat, rest and enjoy the Natural World and Its People. i want to avoid Fame and Celebrity and instead cultivate Appreciation and Respect. i'd rather be loved by some, somewhere, than known by many, everywhere. i want to be a model for making the hard decision, an example of a man who could have pursued Anything and chose instead to relate simply, faithfully to God and Community.
but we, human beings in the United States of America in the year 2010, have evolved away from God. we have confused Her Wisdom for a book of human words, Her Perfect Order for a set of human laws, Her One Home for a host of human churches. we have called her vengeful, demanding, have been taught to Fear (!!!) her, have been told how to relate to her, have sought ever to paint her with a human face and describe her with human words. and since humans are only flesh and thought, prey always to confusion, we have grown distrustful of this too-human God. today, the only national discussion regarding God is about the horrors and injustices committed in the name of Religion.
but God is not Religion. Religions are organizations, businesses, sometimes communities.
God is the Spirit of the World. She is the Light behind a living thing's eyes and the mechanism that turns CO2 into Oxygen and back again. she is the Mystery, everything we experience that is Beyond Language.
and yet, even Christian men and women, who care deeply about me, encourage me to "pursue my Dream" and seek Success and Prosperity. many hold no dearer hope for themselves than to accumulate wealth to pass out to their families and pass on to their grandchildren.
but isn't it harder for a rich man to achieve Heaven than to pass a fucking camel through a needle's eye? didn't Christ say that? didn't he tell us to leave our riches behind, that they will only confuse and impede us?
what of that wisdom?
i am Spirit.
i am Spirit caged by bone, paralyzed by thought.
the pressure of other people's Eyes and Opinions keeps me safe, well-behaved, humming along.
but i truly want to perform only for God.
and yet i know that to let my Spirit out, i must betray, i must dissapoint,
i must endure the feeling of having pissed good people off and let good people down.
for one thing to be free,
something else must break.