waking to sunsets.
this evening was so nice. it has been 3 weeks and 3 days since i moved here. tonight i walked down the steps and path into a suburb of the town. it is the kind of cold outside that makes puffy clouds of white in front of your face. i wore my big navy double breast coat and a woollen scarf and mittens and boots and thick socks and tights. we stood in the streetlight and looked at the stars. last night i dressed up and caught the bus into town with two of my flatmates and went to a salsa night which turned out to be not-as-great-as-we-had-imagined. so we went and met our other flatmate fishing on the pier with his friend and got some chips. i must say, high heels are not great to fish in. then we went to a little pub with live acoustic music and caught up with sarah (another flatmate) dressed as a sailor and got hot chocolate. it just seemed fitting. i am trying to have an early night so i can wake up at a decent hour tomorrow morning and read my material for my seminar in the afternoon. friday i am going home on the train for the weekend. i am stupidly excited about this prospect. seeing my mother. seeing my cat. seeing my house and where i live. i must update my ipod nicely tomorrow. i am getting a taxi to the train station then training home with two changes. i plan to travel light. my course (at the moment) is proving rather difficult. although i do get to watch two films a week, which is pretty neat. (seemed fitting?). today i watched Oh Brother Where Art Thou? with george clooney. a nice film i think. but it reminded me of when i first watched it. curled up on the sofa with the most life wrecking man i have ever met. i am missing him more than usual at the moment. at the freshers ball i went to a few weeks ago, i had my fortune told by a proffessional tarot reader, it was most upsetting. she told me a dominant, bully, tyranical father figure was going to re-emerge in my life. half of me is petrified by this and half of me misses him so much i could cry. but i don't anymore. and that could be half the problem. without my mother to talk to about it, i feel like its storing up. and i kind of like that. i like having some way to hold onto him. even after what he did. it sounds stupid, i don't even know how i feel. i wish it had never happened. and then i don't, because i would never have had the bond with my mother that i do. i miss her here. autumn is nostalgic. and so breathtakingly beautiful at the same time that whatever sadness you feel is a good sadness.
