stuff and REALLY deep memories
grrr. i was just talkin to someone and helping her deal with stuff. cuz she lost someone close to her about 6 months ago and thats bringing back sad memories. and i had talked to her about what happend to me 8 years ago and to this day it still hurts. knowing that someone you love so much is just gone. and it tore my heart up. knowing that i will never see them again, but i know they're watching over me. i dont even know if i have ever talked to will about this. im thinking about typing it all for him to read. but i dont wanna blab if he's already heard it. well i've NEVER talked about it in depth with anyone. cuz i dont like to show my feelings and stuff. i keep everything bottled up inside. and i think that sometimes that not ok. that could be why i am not happy with myself. maybe i do need to talk to people about this kind of stuff. from all that has happened these past 8 years, has changed me EMENSILY. i have really low self-esteem and i dont think i am good enough for anyone or anything. although i have been working with my self-esteem...ive boosted it a little bit. but all these moves, and all the friendships i've had hear in florida doesnt help me any. heck the only two people who i think care...here in florida are will and sharleene..of course my family. maybe not so much with sharleene cuz we just got over a little tiff and im not too ok with it. i dont like when people talk shit about me. and now some of her friends wanna beat up my sister its lame. i just wish for once i could have GREAT friends. friends that are always there for me. so i can have a LIFE. i feel like such a damn loser. the only friend i have is sharleene and we're not TOO good of friends right now. i mean ya i talk to other people. but...you know. all i really want is to move up back to MA and be with the friends i miss and love. the ones who were always there for me and still are. and i would move back up there. im pretty sure staceys mom would let me live with them. they're like a second family to me and she wanted to adopt me but couldn't. but i dont wanna leave will behind. because i love him so much. words cant describe how much i love this boy! we've been through good and bad times and i think the bad times have made our relationship stronger. im happy with him. i haven't seen him for quite some time and i miss him alot. ya...well i think i have said enough. if i think of more i can edit or post a new blog. i love you guys.
ok lets go back to when i was born. here is my life story up to the age of 8 cuz nothing else really matters after that. i was born...my bilogical mother was an alcholic and mentally challenged, she didnt know how to take care of kids. so my younger sister and i were taken away from her straight from the hospital. (my other brother and sister lived with her for like 2 and 3 years and got taken away.) ok so all got put into a foster home. the same one, because for some reason DSS wanted us all to stay together. and ya i had a pretty good life even though it was way too sheltered and it was like living uder a rock. it was an elderly couple. so i had been there from when i was born all the way to the age of 8. i loved them so much. they were like parents and i think after awhile i called them mom and dad. but mostly nana and grampa. so i'm 8, "nana" had summin wrong with her and she had to take some weird medication stuff and i guess it made her dizzy and stuff. so that night she was talking about going on the roof and cleaning the chimney the next day to kathleen (her daughter) and kathleen had told her to stay off the roof and she'd have her boyfriend do it. so the next day was like any other. got up, waited for the bus and went to school. school is over and i get off the bus and notice that "nana" wans't there and she was ALWAYS there. and i remember amandas mother telling me what had happened. and i just ran home, went into my room and cried. she had gone up on the roof and fell...she hit her head. no one was there when she fell. my older sis was at a different school and came home and was looking for her. she found her on the porch and ran to the neighbors and they called 911. that day before school was the last time i ever saw her. i never got to say goodbye. then a couple of months later "grampa" started getting sick and coughing up blood. i remember waking up one night, it was late and i heard him talking to maryanne and she told him to call the paramedics and he refused. i fell back asleep and then woke to voices of people. and it was the paramedics. i was scared and cried. after they took him away i went up to my sisters room and told her and slept there for the rest of the night. might've been a couple days later. he came back home, he had to be put on oxygen. he was in bed all the time. and one day i remember sitting on the bed next to him, talking and just to see him sitting there, all skinny..he lost alot of weight...it hurt me. i didnt like to see him like that. i think the last time i did see him was when i was sitting in the kitchen with him and he asked me to get his dentures. he ended up going back to the hospital. and maybe a week later..i was up playing video games in the morning with my brother and sister. and kathleen called us all into the other room and she was crying and she told us that grampa was up in heaven with nana. he had died from lung cancer. i guess the next day i went to school..i was in 4th grade, and my teacher asked how he was doing..and i said "good" and then i just started to cry. after that our "aunts" took care of us for a little bit until DSS could find us another foster home. it was a saturday...the social worker was coming to pick us up in the afternoon...the fowlers and everyone were over and were having fun. maureen tried to get the social worker to come later in the day but that couldn't happen. so that was another crappy day in my life. sitting in the car and waving goodbye to everyone as we drove away. so we went to a foster home in lakeville, ma and they adopted us and we moved to florida. all that happend in less than a half a year and it really did some damage. i wish i could go back in time and change everything that happened from the day my "nana" had her accident. i feel that if that hadn't happened my life would be so different now. and i wouldnt be here in florida and stuff
ok lets go back to when i was born. here is my life story up to the age of 8 cuz nothing else really matters after that. i was born...my bilogical mother was an alcholic and mentally challenged, she didnt know how to take care of kids. so my younger sister and i were taken away from her straight from the hospital. (my other brother and sister lived with her for like 2 and 3 years and got taken away.) ok so all got put into a foster home. the same one, because for some reason DSS wanted us all to stay together. and ya i had a pretty good life even though it was way too sheltered and it was like living uder a rock. it was an elderly couple. so i had been there from when i was born all the way to the age of 8. i loved them so much. they were like parents and i think after awhile i called them mom and dad. but mostly nana and grampa. so i'm 8, "nana" had summin wrong with her and she had to take some weird medication stuff and i guess it made her dizzy and stuff. so that night she was talking about going on the roof and cleaning the chimney the next day to kathleen (her daughter) and kathleen had told her to stay off the roof and she'd have her boyfriend do it. so the next day was like any other. got up, waited for the bus and went to school. school is over and i get off the bus and notice that "nana" wans't there and she was ALWAYS there. and i remember amandas mother telling me what had happened. and i just ran home, went into my room and cried. she had gone up on the roof and fell...she hit her head. no one was there when she fell. my older sis was at a different school and came home and was looking for her. she found her on the porch and ran to the neighbors and they called 911. that day before school was the last time i ever saw her. i never got to say goodbye. then a couple of months later "grampa" started getting sick and coughing up blood. i remember waking up one night, it was late and i heard him talking to maryanne and she told him to call the paramedics and he refused. i fell back asleep and then woke to voices of people. and it was the paramedics. i was scared and cried. after they took him away i went up to my sisters room and told her and slept there for the rest of the night. might've been a couple days later. he came back home, he had to be put on oxygen. he was in bed all the time. and one day i remember sitting on the bed next to him, talking and just to see him sitting there, all skinny..he lost alot of weight...it hurt me. i didnt like to see him like that. i think the last time i did see him was when i was sitting in the kitchen with him and he asked me to get his dentures. he ended up going back to the hospital. and maybe a week later..i was up playing video games in the morning with my brother and sister. and kathleen called us all into the other room and she was crying and she told us that grampa was up in heaven with nana. he had died from lung cancer. i guess the next day i went to school..i was in 4th grade, and my teacher asked how he was doing..and i said "good" and then i just started to cry. after that our "aunts" took care of us for a little bit until DSS could find us another foster home. it was a saturday...the social worker was coming to pick us up in the afternoon...the fowlers and everyone were over and were having fun. maureen tried to get the social worker to come later in the day but that couldn't happen. so that was another crappy day in my life. sitting in the car and waving goodbye to everyone as we drove away. so we went to a foster home in lakeville, ma and they adopted us and we moved to florida. all that happend in less than a half a year and it really did some damage. i wish i could go back in time and change everything that happened from the day my "nana" had her accident. i feel that if that hadn't happened my life would be so different now. and i wouldnt be here in florida and stuff