im tired of...
I am sitting here at 3:43 in the morning and can't fall asleep. My alarm is going to go off at 7:00 because I'm working with my dad at work. That means if I fell asleep right now that I would only get about 3 hours of sleep. This is fucking bullshit. This is the second fucking time this week that I haven't been able to sleep. I am so sick and tired of this. I really am. I know that it's just because I can't sleep right now but a lot of things I am tired of. I will give a few examples.
I am tired of my bed. It is a shitty bed and I need a new one. Even when I have the matress on the floor it still sucks. I am tired of not having a good nights sleep. I am tired of waking up during the middle of the night. I am tired of waking up tired (pardon the pun) and feeling like I have no energy at the very beginning of the day. I am tired of being overweight. I am tired of not being able to do anything. I am tired of being poor. I am tired of my life being dependent on technology. I am tired of Terre Haute. I am tired of Indiana. I am tired of not being able to finish something that I set as a goal. I am tired of having to depend on my parents to live. I am tired of draining my parents of all their money because of all the fuckups that I make. I am tired of dissapointing people. I am tired of having to be responsible. I am tired of having to worry all the time. I am tired of feeling as though I am being used. I am tired of feeling as though people can't or don't trust me. I am tired of people not listening to me. I am tired of people checking me out. I know that sounds dumb but noone has checked me out my entire life. Then miracuously now that I'm in college people check me out left and right. It is a smack in the face to me. I would rather that they don't even bother. Not that it matters anymore because I have Deb. But that is what I am tired of the most. I am tired of pissing Deb off. I am tired of making her angry. I am tired of making her upset. I am tired of not being there for her. I am tired of using her to do things for me so that way I can be lazy. I am tired of joking with her about being pregnant and then feeling guilty about it afterwards. I am tired of losing my temper with her. I am tired of losing my temper around her. Basically, I am just tired of not being good enough for her.
I feel all the time as though she doesn't deserve me. She would say that she doesn't deserve me. I feel that I am never good enough for her. I feel as though everyday I somehow fail being good to her. Like there was something more I could have done, some little extra mile I could have taken to making her happy. I don't know what to think anymore. It seems that anymore I make her unhappy more than anything else. I don't know it's probably just me because I am tired and can't fall asleep and everything in life is getting to me.
I'll get over it I guess. Oh well. Who cares?
I am tired of my bed. It is a shitty bed and I need a new one. Even when I have the matress on the floor it still sucks. I am tired of not having a good nights sleep. I am tired of waking up during the middle of the night. I am tired of waking up tired (pardon the pun) and feeling like I have no energy at the very beginning of the day. I am tired of being overweight. I am tired of not being able to do anything. I am tired of being poor. I am tired of my life being dependent on technology. I am tired of Terre Haute. I am tired of Indiana. I am tired of not being able to finish something that I set as a goal. I am tired of having to depend on my parents to live. I am tired of draining my parents of all their money because of all the fuckups that I make. I am tired of dissapointing people. I am tired of having to be responsible. I am tired of having to worry all the time. I am tired of feeling as though I am being used. I am tired of feeling as though people can't or don't trust me. I am tired of people not listening to me. I am tired of people checking me out. I know that sounds dumb but noone has checked me out my entire life. Then miracuously now that I'm in college people check me out left and right. It is a smack in the face to me. I would rather that they don't even bother. Not that it matters anymore because I have Deb. But that is what I am tired of the most. I am tired of pissing Deb off. I am tired of making her angry. I am tired of making her upset. I am tired of not being there for her. I am tired of using her to do things for me so that way I can be lazy. I am tired of joking with her about being pregnant and then feeling guilty about it afterwards. I am tired of losing my temper with her. I am tired of losing my temper around her. Basically, I am just tired of not being good enough for her.
I feel all the time as though she doesn't deserve me. She would say that she doesn't deserve me. I feel that I am never good enough for her. I feel as though everyday I somehow fail being good to her. Like there was something more I could have done, some little extra mile I could have taken to making her happy. I don't know what to think anymore. It seems that anymore I make her unhappy more than anything else. I don't know it's probably just me because I am tired and can't fall asleep and everything in life is getting to me.
I'll get over it I guess. Oh well. Who cares?