Absolution
I don't do this often, because I've not usually had support from outside sources. In fact, this is the first time within the four years that I've carried this journal that I've made such an entry. So you may not ever see this again.
This is a "thank you" sent out to all of you who have tried to help me at any time.
To fallenreliquary, the first person who ever added me to their friends list. To c4usr, who more recently has commented serveral times to try to help me. To Jody, my annonymous poster, who holds out more hope for me than I hold out for myself. You all help more than you know sometimes, and I am not used to it. To sharing with others. Sometimes when I write about a particularly bad episode and you say that you are glad that I wrote, it makes me feel better. Sometimes when I read your poetry, or the words you express for your day and your life, it helps. Thank you.
To autumndark, who offered her help, though I did not take her up on it. Likewise to silent_fear, to penpusher, to lyssa1025, to corky2828, to insanechristian, to oldmaninnastix, to lilithraven, and to nightmare_byday. Every person who has commented in my journal in the four years I've had it with one notable exception. Your comments were short, and you only briefly stayed, gracing your presence on one post or two, then moving on. Still, whenever my lonliness or worthlessness particularly overwhelms me, I go back and find those words of support and smile.
To kerosenegypsy, a confession. You do not know me and will not find this. But once upon a time I stumbled across the journal of a young girl who wanted to run bare-footed and with a free spirit through life, but who spoke only of self mutilation and abuse and sadness. When you, like me, were almost alone. The only thing I could think to do was to leave you annonymous comments telling you that someone cared, even from afar. That you weren't alone. You seemed to appreciate them, then, and so I stayed. I stayed until your friends began to notice and rally behind you, and offer you a wall of support. You may have noticed your annonymous comments tapering to their finish, or, as I intended, you may not have again thought of them. Believe it or not, writing to you helped me as well. Helping others really is a band-aid for the soul. You may not remember me, but once upon a time, you called me Cloak. I still check up on you, every once in awhile, to see that you are happy - or at least happier. That you no longer feel lost and alone. And I am happy for you.
Mostly this entry is for Jensayuri. Jennifer, you were the first and only person that I ever talked to about most of mind. Your offer of a non-subjective "ear" was not only appreciated, but quite possibly life saving. You were going through most horrendous things in your life, but you took the time to listen and discuss very complicated issues of life with someone who desperately needed it at the time. For a short while I looked forward to receiving another email from you, to reading your latest journal entry. I truly appreciated every effort you made. You deleted your journal shortly after we talked, and I heard nothing after. If, for some reason, you still come back to read this every once in awhile, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. If I depressed you, and I made life difficult to handle, I'm truly sorry. I never wanted to unload my problems onto anyone else. This journal is very largely unread. While every so often I enjoy a comment that makes me feel a little more human, I never, ever meant to hurt anyone with my own personal psykosis. Certainly I never meant to hurt you, the one person who took time to take on the burdons of a total stranger. Our conversations were deep and philosphical, and they helped me more than you can ever know. Jensayuri, I wanted to thank you deeply for that. Because I still go back and read those emails sometimes, and they still give me comfort, and sometimes a little hope. You were my biggest mistake, but I have not repeated it, and I will not. I wanted you to know that. I will not again unload my problems on someone else for them to bear the burdons of my own sins. I will not break another person. I will not get too close. I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for all of that.
To those of you who are reading this and those who are not. Sometimes these things must be said. I never really had anyone to thank like this before. It is both a wonderful and a horrible thing.
This is a "thank you" sent out to all of you who have tried to help me at any time.
To fallenreliquary, the first person who ever added me to their friends list. To c4usr, who more recently has commented serveral times to try to help me. To Jody, my annonymous poster, who holds out more hope for me than I hold out for myself. You all help more than you know sometimes, and I am not used to it. To sharing with others. Sometimes when I write about a particularly bad episode and you say that you are glad that I wrote, it makes me feel better. Sometimes when I read your poetry, or the words you express for your day and your life, it helps. Thank you.
To autumndark, who offered her help, though I did not take her up on it. Likewise to silent_fear, to penpusher, to lyssa1025, to corky2828, to insanechristian, to oldmaninnastix, to lilithraven, and to nightmare_byday. Every person who has commented in my journal in the four years I've had it with one notable exception. Your comments were short, and you only briefly stayed, gracing your presence on one post or two, then moving on. Still, whenever my lonliness or worthlessness particularly overwhelms me, I go back and find those words of support and smile.
To kerosenegypsy, a confession. You do not know me and will not find this. But once upon a time I stumbled across the journal of a young girl who wanted to run bare-footed and with a free spirit through life, but who spoke only of self mutilation and abuse and sadness. When you, like me, were almost alone. The only thing I could think to do was to leave you annonymous comments telling you that someone cared, even from afar. That you weren't alone. You seemed to appreciate them, then, and so I stayed. I stayed until your friends began to notice and rally behind you, and offer you a wall of support. You may have noticed your annonymous comments tapering to their finish, or, as I intended, you may not have again thought of them. Believe it or not, writing to you helped me as well. Helping others really is a band-aid for the soul. You may not remember me, but once upon a time, you called me Cloak. I still check up on you, every once in awhile, to see that you are happy - or at least happier. That you no longer feel lost and alone. And I am happy for you.
Mostly this entry is for Jensayuri. Jennifer, you were the first and only person that I ever talked to about most of mind. Your offer of a non-subjective "ear" was not only appreciated, but quite possibly life saving. You were going through most horrendous things in your life, but you took the time to listen and discuss very complicated issues of life with someone who desperately needed it at the time. For a short while I looked forward to receiving another email from you, to reading your latest journal entry. I truly appreciated every effort you made. You deleted your journal shortly after we talked, and I heard nothing after. If, for some reason, you still come back to read this every once in awhile, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. If I depressed you, and I made life difficult to handle, I'm truly sorry. I never wanted to unload my problems onto anyone else. This journal is very largely unread. While every so often I enjoy a comment that makes me feel a little more human, I never, ever meant to hurt anyone with my own personal psykosis. Certainly I never meant to hurt you, the one person who took time to take on the burdons of a total stranger. Our conversations were deep and philosphical, and they helped me more than you can ever know. Jensayuri, I wanted to thank you deeply for that. Because I still go back and read those emails sometimes, and they still give me comfort, and sometimes a little hope. You were my biggest mistake, but I have not repeated it, and I will not. I wanted you to know that. I will not again unload my problems on someone else for them to bear the burdons of my own sins. I will not break another person. I will not get too close. I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for all of that.
To those of you who are reading this and those who are not. Sometimes these things must be said. I never really had anyone to thank like this before. It is both a wonderful and a horrible thing.