surprise sex
lol I don't mean that in a bad way. I definitely consented! But last night when we went to bed, he laid down on his stomach and I was on my side with my arm under my pillow, and his arm was reached up and out, so our fingers interlaced and he held my hand while we fell asleep, even though we didn't touch anywhere else (again, too hot). But the position was kinda awkward for me- tha angle at which our hands met kinda torqued my shoulder a little and made it hard for me to balance without bringing my other arm down in front of my chest- and our bodies were close enough that my stabilizing arm would touch him, and normally, I would just lay that arm across his shoulders and kind of sleep half-on him, with my head on one shoulder- anyway, this is hard to describe, but suffice to say it's just a sleeping-on-our-stomachs-but-still-snuggled-up kinda pose that we do sometimes. Only this time it was awkward because I didn't want to make him uncomfortably hot and sometimes he sleeps on his stomach when he just needs to claim his own physical space- it's a more "self-ish" sleeping pose as opposed to lying on his back with my head on his chest and his arms around me, and that's okay - I've actually been a stomach sleeper all my life, and this sleeping-with-my-head-on-someone's-chest thing is totally new. It's "normal" for us, but not "normal" for "me" and probably not for him, either. We usually end up shifting in our sleep to something slightly more individually comfortable, I just think we... like to fall asleep that way, usually.
But when he gets in bed and flops on his stomach, I usually read it as a subconscious request for "let's not entwine our bodies up right now/I need some space to myself", and I give it unless he seems to want additional contact (he usually still does somewhat- like he'll reach out to do the hand-interlaced-fingers thing, or our toes will touch and grip onto each other like monkeys, or the shoulder-arm-sleeping thing we do sometimes as described above)
Anyway, what I'm getting at is, the way we fell asleep was kinda half "I love you" half "please don't touch me" and I felt awkward as we fell asleep, thinking of all the stuff I've been mulling over in my last two entries, whether he still loves me and wants me, worrying about if maybe I am just too overbearing or needy, or if I'm not doing a good job managing my insecurities, and then trying to let myself be reassured because he was gripping my fingers so tight in his, it almost hurt and I kinda wanted to let go, but I didn't, because it was the only physical contact we had at the moment. And I was afraid if I broke contact, I wouldn't get it back, as pathetic as that sounds to write out here. But I was trying very hard to keep the rest of my body parts to my self, to keep from making him hot and sweaty, & I thought, he must love me. He must. He wouldn't be holding my hand to fall asleep at all if he didn't. That's a small thing, but it's also a big thing. People don't just sleep holding hands if they aren't connected. And I didn't really initiate it, he did.
So I fell asleep in this restless state of "it's over, the thrill is gone, he doesn't love you, and why the hell should he in the first place?" and "shut up inner demons, he's holding my hand, and that's still something. He might not be romantically verbose but he clearly doesn't hate me, either."
Jesus Christ that took a ridiculous amount of time to describe.
The thing is, I eventually fell into restless sleep, tossing and turning. After what I guess must have been an hour or two of this, I half-woke to feeling him snuggling up to me more. I became aware that he was holding me close somehow, that he was spooning me, even. I gave a sleepy sigh of pleasure and the subconscious worry in my mind started to ease up as I felt him holding me. It was warm, but not as uncomfortable as I thought. Eventually he shifted onto his back and kind of pulled on me so I would move over and lay my head on his chest. We twined our legs together and I curled my fingers into his chest "fur". He wrapped his arm around me and just began... softly caressing me, as if not to wake me. Just very gentle and light. Sometimes he would wrap his arm around my shoulder to squeeze me to his chest in a sleepy "hug". It was so nice, I thought I was dreaming. I started to become more aware when I felt his heart beating faster in his chest. I could feel him gently massaging the small of my back, waking up my chakra there, and caressing up my curves, smoothing over my shoulders, stroking my hair softly, and tracing behind my ear. Everything was so warm and tender. We haven't... he hasn't done that in a long time. It was so nice to wake up to. He just snuggled with me this way for a long time. In my mind it seemed like an hour. I woke up more fully, but didn't move, for fear that he would stop. When I did become fully conscious of being held so closely in his arms, and his welcoming body language, his smoothing his hands over me softly, his careful tenderness... my heart just about burst in my chest. This moment, this kind of deep sense of belonging... this... this...love... I feel it so intensely, I feel like it's the only moment I spend the rest of my waking life working to have, it's the only... it's... okay, maybe not the only, but surely the best thing on this planet, this space of love and intimate connection, that makes the rest of it all worth it. It's the moment I spend the rest of my life trying to get back to, it's the experience of feeling... home. Tears leaked out of my eyes as my heart flooded with relief. He DOES love me, I wanted to shout. HE LOVES ME. I AM LOVED. But I was silent. Too happy to speak.
I moved my hand under my cheek to catch the tears so his chest wouldn't get wet and he wouldn't get the wrong idea thinking he was being so nice to me and I woke up crying. LOL I am a pathetic creature, I know. I know but what... what else could I do?
He shifted again, rolling me on to my back so that he could cradle my head in one arm, and with his other arm, caress my breasts, and reach other parts of me. I opened to him with happy sigh and a smile, and he knew I was no longer asleep...He brought his face close to mine and I nuzzled my cheek against his soft beard and inhaled his comforting scent...
We made sweet love until 7:30 am, then passed out peacefully in each other's arms.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is how 'surprise sex' is supposed to go down.
Feeling pretty optimistic today, not gonna lie.
But when he gets in bed and flops on his stomach, I usually read it as a subconscious request for "let's not entwine our bodies up right now/I need some space to myself", and I give it unless he seems to want additional contact (he usually still does somewhat- like he'll reach out to do the hand-interlaced-fingers thing, or our toes will touch and grip onto each other like monkeys, or the shoulder-arm-sleeping thing we do sometimes as described above)
Anyway, what I'm getting at is, the way we fell asleep was kinda half "I love you" half "please don't touch me" and I felt awkward as we fell asleep, thinking of all the stuff I've been mulling over in my last two entries, whether he still loves me and wants me, worrying about if maybe I am just too overbearing or needy, or if I'm not doing a good job managing my insecurities, and then trying to let myself be reassured because he was gripping my fingers so tight in his, it almost hurt and I kinda wanted to let go, but I didn't, because it was the only physical contact we had at the moment. And I was afraid if I broke contact, I wouldn't get it back, as pathetic as that sounds to write out here. But I was trying very hard to keep the rest of my body parts to my self, to keep from making him hot and sweaty, & I thought, he must love me. He must. He wouldn't be holding my hand to fall asleep at all if he didn't. That's a small thing, but it's also a big thing. People don't just sleep holding hands if they aren't connected. And I didn't really initiate it, he did.
So I fell asleep in this restless state of "it's over, the thrill is gone, he doesn't love you, and why the hell should he in the first place?" and "shut up inner demons, he's holding my hand, and that's still something. He might not be romantically verbose but he clearly doesn't hate me, either."
Jesus Christ that took a ridiculous amount of time to describe.
The thing is, I eventually fell into restless sleep, tossing and turning. After what I guess must have been an hour or two of this, I half-woke to feeling him snuggling up to me more. I became aware that he was holding me close somehow, that he was spooning me, even. I gave a sleepy sigh of pleasure and the subconscious worry in my mind started to ease up as I felt him holding me. It was warm, but not as uncomfortable as I thought. Eventually he shifted onto his back and kind of pulled on me so I would move over and lay my head on his chest. We twined our legs together and I curled my fingers into his chest "fur". He wrapped his arm around me and just began... softly caressing me, as if not to wake me. Just very gentle and light. Sometimes he would wrap his arm around my shoulder to squeeze me to his chest in a sleepy "hug". It was so nice, I thought I was dreaming. I started to become more aware when I felt his heart beating faster in his chest. I could feel him gently massaging the small of my back, waking up my chakra there, and caressing up my curves, smoothing over my shoulders, stroking my hair softly, and tracing behind my ear. Everything was so warm and tender. We haven't... he hasn't done that in a long time. It was so nice to wake up to. He just snuggled with me this way for a long time. In my mind it seemed like an hour. I woke up more fully, but didn't move, for fear that he would stop. When I did become fully conscious of being held so closely in his arms, and his welcoming body language, his smoothing his hands over me softly, his careful tenderness... my heart just about burst in my chest. This moment, this kind of deep sense of belonging... this... this...love... I feel it so intensely, I feel like it's the only moment I spend the rest of my waking life working to have, it's the only... it's... okay, maybe not the only, but surely the best thing on this planet, this space of love and intimate connection, that makes the rest of it all worth it. It's the moment I spend the rest of my life trying to get back to, it's the experience of feeling... home. Tears leaked out of my eyes as my heart flooded with relief. He DOES love me, I wanted to shout. HE LOVES ME. I AM LOVED. But I was silent. Too happy to speak.
I moved my hand under my cheek to catch the tears so his chest wouldn't get wet and he wouldn't get the wrong idea thinking he was being so nice to me and I woke up crying. LOL I am a pathetic creature, I know. I know but what... what else could I do?
He shifted again, rolling me on to my back so that he could cradle my head in one arm, and with his other arm, caress my breasts, and reach other parts of me. I opened to him with happy sigh and a smile, and he knew I was no longer asleep...He brought his face close to mine and I nuzzled my cheek against his soft beard and inhaled his comforting scent...
We made sweet love until 7:30 am, then passed out peacefully in each other's arms.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is how 'surprise sex' is supposed to go down.
Feeling pretty optimistic today, not gonna lie.