you open me
It is a beautiful autumn morning. We've left the window open; the curtains have been breathing cool air into the room all night. Finally cool enough to want a blanket, but only halfway up... I wake before him, and turn to see his handsome sleeping face in the dim light. I move in closer, laying my head and arm on his bare chest for a moment. His skin is cool and smooth on the surface, but a comforting warm-blooded heat radiates up from underneath, and I feel his beating heart very near my cheek. In his sleep, he instinctively wraps his arms around me. His right arm wraps around my shoulders and forms a supportive crook for my head and neck to rest so it doesn't slip backwards, his warm hand on my shoulders keeping me close, while his left hand finds my caressing right hand, and his fingers curl around mine in a gentle grip.
He makes a series of small noises in his sleep- they are like short purrs, or tiny quiet growls, followed by a gentle sigh. I can't describe this very well because I don't know how he actually makes these sounds, but they are so... organic and natural to him, and I know him well enough by now to know they are "pleasure" sounds- I've heard him make similar noises when awake, usually when we're making love- but they are subtle and barely audible right now because he's more than half asleep. He never opens his eyes or wakes up, just... makes these little subconscious "welcoming" noises and holds me close.
I'm ...I'm dying of happiness, and I can only smile sleepily into his chest. And weirdly- my uterus 'wakes up'. I feel a visceral energy shift- as if all of my chakras at once are open and receptive.
You know that feeling when you've had blocked sinuses for a while, and suddenly they clear out and you can breathe? I felt... like that. Only... in my abdominal region. It was like my vagina and uterus and fallopian tubes... were... "breathing". I felt them, which is unusual- you know how you're normally not aware of your internal organs? But sometimes- usually during your period- you might get cramps and then, oh buddy, you are aware of parts you wish you weren't.
This was kind of like that awareness except in the direction of pleasure, not pain. Those parts weren't cramping. They were just feeling warm and open, almost "glowing". There were no muscle contractions happening, and not even any particularly "sexual" thoughts happening- I didn't want to jump his bones right then. I'm actually on my period right now, and do not desire sex. But the thought of having sex with him just then was exceedingly pleasant and I felt my body with full awareness... I felt as if my womb craved his seed, but also as if we were in no rush. That sounds so odd, I know. But I just... felt... whole. And "on", like a switch gets turned on, although again- I don't mean that in a sexual context. I mean I felt like a completed circuit with current running through, not dampened or blocked at any point, just... electricity freely circulating.
In fact, after a while of laying there quietly like this, I felt so energized, I had to actually get up and leave the safe haven of his arms. He's still in there sleeping and I'm in here writing this because... I have excess energy right now. I don't know what this feeling is, but I kind of love it and had to put it down in words somehow.
Who the fuck IS this man?
Sometimes I feel like he really is an alien or an angel or... something. I don't know. I don't know. I have never felt this way with a man before. Not even with my ex, and if I'm being flat honest, my ex and I had some pretty good sex and pretty intimate soul-connection type stuff early in our relationship, before he turned into a criminal jerk. I trusted him (unfortunately. Meh, it is what it is), and I felt very connected to him and willing to allow him into my intimate thoughts and parts of my body. But that was... it was always a conscious choice, on my part. As a sentient woman, I "gave" him access to me, and he treated that permission with respect, and I felt "loved"...
But this, with Mr. Man, this is different.
He is like...
it's... it's not a choice, with him. It just *is*. It's not that I don't consent with sentience, because, I do- I consciously want him now, but that conscious thought came later, and although the gate of consent is difference between having a sexual relationship and not having one- my desire for him existed before I thought consciously of consent and would possibly exist whether I wanted it to or not.
I mean- yes, yes, I believe in my autonomy and my rights and I believe that if there ever came a time when I no longer consented to intimacy with him I'd have the right to refuse sex or break up with him or whatever- but it would be hard, because my body... wants him on some nature-like level.
The feelings I get from him are often visceral - not just "emotional", but with some physically-felt component- and proximity based. It must be his pheromones and mine are just a good match, or something. I feel "lit up" when I'm near him, like... One time, I went to a Tesla museum and the people there did this demonstration- they took a fluorescent light tube and waved it like a wand over this dollhouse with little christmas lights wired into each room.
As they waved the light bulb over the dollhouse, the dollhouse lights lit up! It was some proximity-based energy transfer. I feel like that. I feel like Mr. Man does that to me. I'm... more alive, because of him.
o_o
err, I hope I'm not subconsciously draining him, I don't want to do that.
But I don't seem to have any control over this. My body just... does what it does. And my adrenal system makes happy happy chemicals.
And my spirit is...uplifted and I want to do better and be a better version of myself because he's around.
I feel like God sent me a... a guardian angel, in Man form, somehow.
I don't know what I did to deserve it, but... I'm full of wonder and gratitude.
He makes a series of small noises in his sleep- they are like short purrs, or tiny quiet growls, followed by a gentle sigh. I can't describe this very well because I don't know how he actually makes these sounds, but they are so... organic and natural to him, and I know him well enough by now to know they are "pleasure" sounds- I've heard him make similar noises when awake, usually when we're making love- but they are subtle and barely audible right now because he's more than half asleep. He never opens his eyes or wakes up, just... makes these little subconscious "welcoming" noises and holds me close.
I'm ...I'm dying of happiness, and I can only smile sleepily into his chest. And weirdly- my uterus 'wakes up'. I feel a visceral energy shift- as if all of my chakras at once are open and receptive.
You know that feeling when you've had blocked sinuses for a while, and suddenly they clear out and you can breathe? I felt... like that. Only... in my abdominal region. It was like my vagina and uterus and fallopian tubes... were... "breathing". I felt them, which is unusual- you know how you're normally not aware of your internal organs? But sometimes- usually during your period- you might get cramps and then, oh buddy, you are aware of parts you wish you weren't.
This was kind of like that awareness except in the direction of pleasure, not pain. Those parts weren't cramping. They were just feeling warm and open, almost "glowing". There were no muscle contractions happening, and not even any particularly "sexual" thoughts happening- I didn't want to jump his bones right then. I'm actually on my period right now, and do not desire sex. But the thought of having sex with him just then was exceedingly pleasant and I felt my body with full awareness... I felt as if my womb craved his seed, but also as if we were in no rush. That sounds so odd, I know. But I just... felt... whole. And "on", like a switch gets turned on, although again- I don't mean that in a sexual context. I mean I felt like a completed circuit with current running through, not dampened or blocked at any point, just... electricity freely circulating.
In fact, after a while of laying there quietly like this, I felt so energized, I had to actually get up and leave the safe haven of his arms. He's still in there sleeping and I'm in here writing this because... I have excess energy right now. I don't know what this feeling is, but I kind of love it and had to put it down in words somehow.
Who the fuck IS this man?
Sometimes I feel like he really is an alien or an angel or... something. I don't know. I don't know. I have never felt this way with a man before. Not even with my ex, and if I'm being flat honest, my ex and I had some pretty good sex and pretty intimate soul-connection type stuff early in our relationship, before he turned into a criminal jerk. I trusted him (unfortunately. Meh, it is what it is), and I felt very connected to him and willing to allow him into my intimate thoughts and parts of my body. But that was... it was always a conscious choice, on my part. As a sentient woman, I "gave" him access to me, and he treated that permission with respect, and I felt "loved"...
But this, with Mr. Man, this is different.
He is like...
it's... it's not a choice, with him. It just *is*. It's not that I don't consent with sentience, because, I do- I consciously want him now, but that conscious thought came later, and although the gate of consent is difference between having a sexual relationship and not having one- my desire for him existed before I thought consciously of consent and would possibly exist whether I wanted it to or not.
I mean- yes, yes, I believe in my autonomy and my rights and I believe that if there ever came a time when I no longer consented to intimacy with him I'd have the right to refuse sex or break up with him or whatever- but it would be hard, because my body... wants him on some nature-like level.
The feelings I get from him are often visceral - not just "emotional", but with some physically-felt component- and proximity based. It must be his pheromones and mine are just a good match, or something. I feel "lit up" when I'm near him, like... One time, I went to a Tesla museum and the people there did this demonstration- they took a fluorescent light tube and waved it like a wand over this dollhouse with little christmas lights wired into each room.
As they waved the light bulb over the dollhouse, the dollhouse lights lit up! It was some proximity-based energy transfer. I feel like that. I feel like Mr. Man does that to me. I'm... more alive, because of him.
o_o
err, I hope I'm not subconsciously draining him, I don't want to do that.
But I don't seem to have any control over this. My body just... does what it does. And my adrenal system makes happy happy chemicals.
And my spirit is...uplifted and I want to do better and be a better version of myself because he's around.
I feel like God sent me a... a guardian angel, in Man form, somehow.
I don't know what I did to deserve it, but... I'm full of wonder and gratitude.