(no subject)
my livejournal entries are depressing. so instead of focusing on a topic thats classified as happy or sad, im just gonna write without any purpose, so try not to find any structure in this entry.
im going out with katie now. i asked her out 4 days ago. this relationship i have with her is the healthiest thing in my life right now. unfortunately, i only appreciate that when im around her. when im hanging out with her, im laughing and being the silly boy i was in high school. maybe its because she is one of the only things in my life recently that hasnt been tainted by... lets move on. i can be myself around her and tell her things that bother me and at the end of it, i feel great. maybe its just because i know i can tell her about anything and she can relate. in a way, we kinda went thru some of the same things. she knows how much pain a person can go thru and we agree that physical pain is nothing if youve lived thru some harsh times. as i was saying before, i like being around katie. but when she leaves, i feel everything around me again. the void thats always in my stomach, the mental block when i try to talk.. its like pieces of me are missing. unfortunately im making it sound like im attached to katie, but the truth is she's the only person i talk to like i did when i was in division. and in division, i was a whole person. granted i was quiet, but that wouldve changed eventually.
i dont know wat to do now. ive started a relationship with the person that reminds me of who i really am. and im so grateful that she understands how much i hate clinging. what do i do? im failing out of college slowly but surely, my parents worry about me because im being distant with them and christmas is coming up, and im hating one of my best friends now because im knee deep in lies that have been told and discovered.
speaking of best friends, i think it takes a lot of courage to try and make a change in something that needs to be dealt with. so much has happened since my first lj entry, which was written at the start of my "collapse". i feel shitty about everything between then and now and i wish i could hit a rewind button to change it all. at the same time, im pretty lucky to have learned everything that i did during that time. i cant help but sit here and wonder where and how i'll be a year from now.
im going out with katie now. i asked her out 4 days ago. this relationship i have with her is the healthiest thing in my life right now. unfortunately, i only appreciate that when im around her. when im hanging out with her, im laughing and being the silly boy i was in high school. maybe its because she is one of the only things in my life recently that hasnt been tainted by... lets move on. i can be myself around her and tell her things that bother me and at the end of it, i feel great. maybe its just because i know i can tell her about anything and she can relate. in a way, we kinda went thru some of the same things. she knows how much pain a person can go thru and we agree that physical pain is nothing if youve lived thru some harsh times. as i was saying before, i like being around katie. but when she leaves, i feel everything around me again. the void thats always in my stomach, the mental block when i try to talk.. its like pieces of me are missing. unfortunately im making it sound like im attached to katie, but the truth is she's the only person i talk to like i did when i was in division. and in division, i was a whole person. granted i was quiet, but that wouldve changed eventually.
i dont know wat to do now. ive started a relationship with the person that reminds me of who i really am. and im so grateful that she understands how much i hate clinging. what do i do? im failing out of college slowly but surely, my parents worry about me because im being distant with them and christmas is coming up, and im hating one of my best friends now because im knee deep in lies that have been told and discovered.
speaking of best friends, i think it takes a lot of courage to try and make a change in something that needs to be dealt with. so much has happened since my first lj entry, which was written at the start of my "collapse". i feel shitty about everything between then and now and i wish i could hit a rewind button to change it all. at the same time, im pretty lucky to have learned everything that i did during that time. i cant help but sit here and wonder where and how i'll be a year from now.