Joy.
I don't think I could be any more disappointed than I am right now. I don't suppose i'm exactly upset, or sad.. pissed.. or anything like that. Just... disappointed. Which is generally the worst thing i've ever been.
I'm disappointed in Carl.. I called his parents yesterday, they said he was suppose to be there for Christmas Eve (unless I totally heard wrong)... and they would have him call me back.
Not one word yet. Maybe i'm jumping the gun... there are possibilities for why he didn't call. But still... It's easy to expect the negative when it happens 9 out of 10 times.
I'm disappointed in Renie (grandmother i'm currently staying with - the one I always complain about to people). Not pissed. Though I should be by all rights. She's basically ruined this day. Seriously... I won't go into details. I'm sure I don't need to. Saying someone in particular ruined a day that's suppose to be great is always a sign of -misery-. Heh...
I'm regretting coming back here. I really am.
I had another episode.. epileptic seizure or something... triggered by stress.
Fun.
You know... I think once someone -with a life along the same lines as mine (worse or better, doesn't matter)- hits their middle teens... Holidays just stop being great.
I was downstairs... finding I really... REALLY fucking envy Jennifer... she's not even two years old... she doesn't know what drama is... she doesn't realize Daddy doesn't give a fuck about Christmas.. or that Gramma is a pathetic, sulking, self-centered, bitch... She doesn't know Grampa's in a bad mood.. Or Momma's on the verge of more tears... and she definately doesn't know that i'm hiding everything as well as I can from her sensitive mind. "I'm not feeling very Christian" and "I'm not feeling very Christmas-y" are the phrases that've passed through this household today. One in regards to going to a midnight mass... something that person has always enjoyed. The other in regards to sitting down with the family and watching his youngest grandchild open up one Christmas gift.
Yah yah... I know. I have a lack of religion or whatever. Why should I care about Christmas or who's feeling Christian? Right? ...that's actually been asked by someone I was talking to on aim a moment ago. Nice way to cheer me up. I know the stories behind Christmas... and it's a family tradition to celebrate it, and Yuletide.
The more I think about it... the more I slip away from the usual feelings. Disappointment is a big thing for me... Depression's common enough. So is anger.
Okay, I take that back. Anger is still a possibility at this moment. I was just imed again, by another person saying something assinine. "Fuck the skull of Jesus" ...what the hell?
It's a wonder I still bother to talk to that guy. x.x Not for comments... just... nevermind.
Insert foot in mouth and -choke-.
I'm going to lay down... rub my stomach while Myrande kicks... hope tomorrow is better... and just... keep thinking.
Yay for Christmas.