(no subject)
Summer camp was interesting. We had one mishap with a relentlessly screaming child and Rebecca got stuck with a girl who, whenever asked a question, answered with a high pitched, "Pika? PikaCHU!" Oi. Other than that, things went smoothly. I spent my morning in the workroom, painting vases with figural scenes inspired by "the Luck of Edenhall" and carting materials back and forth from across the street. After work, I was exhausted and hungry, so rather than battle traffic, I got some vegetable soup and hammered out the skeleton of my new humanities contract.
It will be a long week.
My father got home around midnight. The airline lost his luggage en route from Scotland and he's been up for about 24 hours. He stood up and got a nose bleed and was going to eat something but I sent him to bed. Time enough in the morning, his body needs sleep. It's uncomfortable having him back, I get cabin fever just from being home. My brother attempted to talk to me tonight and finally gave up. I suppose there must be some compensation: I have to talk to people all day.
I'm sick of being in Dallas. Another month? I'll make some money. I might fly to Santa Fe for an overnight. I keep telling myself that I have no need to go out there, but I've been dreaming about it and I think I will be restless until I do something. A lot depends on my work schedule, of course.
In constructing a new degree plan for myself and pondering career questions, I've encountered the same worries. I don't know if this will be enough for me. Something about it is off. I've got to graduate and I like the courses for which I've signed up, so I will follow through at least that far... But I'm seriously considering packing up and heading for Europe once I have my undergrad degree. Possibly without a job lined up. If I am fluent enough in a language or two, I'm sure I could do something small for a while to make enough money for an efficiency or something and travel for a few years. Christine told me not many people could do that, but I'm not worried. God has always provided when my will has led me somewhere. If I am drawn to my own desert (whether it is Europe or elsewhere), I have faith he'll give me the manna I need to survive.
I've always known that I would not stay in one place for very long, if ever. I like to think I'll find a career that will allow for my need of motion, but I do not know what. I'd thought about journalism for a long time, but it is too late for that (at least as an undergrad). I'd thought about foreign relations, but I'm not politically saavy and I've no interest in being a politician. Museum work might be too stationary and does not pay as well as I'd like. I could be an art dealer, but I'm not sure if I could make that into the life-long pursuit I want. And I will laugh, if for all my obsessing about travel, I end up settling down in Chicago or someplace directly after I graduate. It would not be a bad thing, I just do not think it will happen.
I keep my dream of writing tucked away at the back of my mind because I'm a coward and because I don't want to start something if I lack the talent or the ability to finish. I'm even tempted to say that if I will be a writer, the time is not right. I know how easily that could become an excuse. In ten years, I could still be working at Barnes and Noble because "the time is not right" and it never will be for the person who does not make the time. There's some truth to the cliche, "God helps those who help themselves." We must be fertile soil. We have a certain amount of responsibility for the cultivation of our lives.
And there's missionary work. I'd like to reach out to people, but I'm not sure if that is my calling and I also believe that my daily actions in and around my community can be as much a testament to my faith and love as traveling to Indonesia could. There's a need everywhere. I do not believe it is necessary for me to become a missionary to help people... and I'm something of a coward here, too. I do not think I'm nearly the kind of person that God would want to do His work on Earth. If He was telling me this whole time, would I even hear? I think not. And in light of my constant failings day to day, just being a witness to Christ myself, how could I ever be the kind of person God needs for such a huge task as ministering at a mission? I'm not good enough.
Honestly, these are needless anxieties. I can't see myself in a future; so what? I couldn't see myself at a college through May my senior year, but God provided. I'm type A and I like a plan, but perhaps I should focus all this energy on working hard in the present. The future will take care of itself. I do not want to be a B&N employee in Grapevine after I graduate, but I really shouldn't fear that because I will not allow it to happen.
I'm sick at heart and it has made me ill. I have to work tomorrow so I should go to bed. I don't want to throw up and my body is breaking apart. I'm going to read Eragon and Abarat (spelling?) this week, and perhaps the The Thief Lord, and as of today I'm eating soup and restricting coffee. I can't afford to miss a shift.
I was stupid and impulsive with something last week (why do we give for giving's sake? people never realize how much), and I think the past two days have shown me what I did not want to see. I'll be ok. I hope I'll get over this whole mess.
It will be a long week.
My father got home around midnight. The airline lost his luggage en route from Scotland and he's been up for about 24 hours. He stood up and got a nose bleed and was going to eat something but I sent him to bed. Time enough in the morning, his body needs sleep. It's uncomfortable having him back, I get cabin fever just from being home. My brother attempted to talk to me tonight and finally gave up. I suppose there must be some compensation: I have to talk to people all day.
I'm sick of being in Dallas. Another month? I'll make some money. I might fly to Santa Fe for an overnight. I keep telling myself that I have no need to go out there, but I've been dreaming about it and I think I will be restless until I do something. A lot depends on my work schedule, of course.
In constructing a new degree plan for myself and pondering career questions, I've encountered the same worries. I don't know if this will be enough for me. Something about it is off. I've got to graduate and I like the courses for which I've signed up, so I will follow through at least that far... But I'm seriously considering packing up and heading for Europe once I have my undergrad degree. Possibly without a job lined up. If I am fluent enough in a language or two, I'm sure I could do something small for a while to make enough money for an efficiency or something and travel for a few years. Christine told me not many people could do that, but I'm not worried. God has always provided when my will has led me somewhere. If I am drawn to my own desert (whether it is Europe or elsewhere), I have faith he'll give me the manna I need to survive.
I've always known that I would not stay in one place for very long, if ever. I like to think I'll find a career that will allow for my need of motion, but I do not know what. I'd thought about journalism for a long time, but it is too late for that (at least as an undergrad). I'd thought about foreign relations, but I'm not politically saavy and I've no interest in being a politician. Museum work might be too stationary and does not pay as well as I'd like. I could be an art dealer, but I'm not sure if I could make that into the life-long pursuit I want. And I will laugh, if for all my obsessing about travel, I end up settling down in Chicago or someplace directly after I graduate. It would not be a bad thing, I just do not think it will happen.
I keep my dream of writing tucked away at the back of my mind because I'm a coward and because I don't want to start something if I lack the talent or the ability to finish. I'm even tempted to say that if I will be a writer, the time is not right. I know how easily that could become an excuse. In ten years, I could still be working at Barnes and Noble because "the time is not right" and it never will be for the person who does not make the time. There's some truth to the cliche, "God helps those who help themselves." We must be fertile soil. We have a certain amount of responsibility for the cultivation of our lives.
And there's missionary work. I'd like to reach out to people, but I'm not sure if that is my calling and I also believe that my daily actions in and around my community can be as much a testament to my faith and love as traveling to Indonesia could. There's a need everywhere. I do not believe it is necessary for me to become a missionary to help people... and I'm something of a coward here, too. I do not think I'm nearly the kind of person that God would want to do His work on Earth. If He was telling me this whole time, would I even hear? I think not. And in light of my constant failings day to day, just being a witness to Christ myself, how could I ever be the kind of person God needs for such a huge task as ministering at a mission? I'm not good enough.
Honestly, these are needless anxieties. I can't see myself in a future; so what? I couldn't see myself at a college through May my senior year, but God provided. I'm type A and I like a plan, but perhaps I should focus all this energy on working hard in the present. The future will take care of itself. I do not want to be a B&N employee in Grapevine after I graduate, but I really shouldn't fear that because I will not allow it to happen.
I'm sick at heart and it has made me ill. I have to work tomorrow so I should go to bed. I don't want to throw up and my body is breaking apart. I'm going to read Eragon and Abarat (spelling?) this week, and perhaps the The Thief Lord, and as of today I'm eating soup and restricting coffee. I can't afford to miss a shift.
I was stupid and impulsive with something last week (why do we give for giving's sake? people never realize how much), and I think the past two days have shown me what I did not want to see. I'll be ok. I hope I'll get over this whole mess.