Io SO, io SO
I know, I know. When I get upset, I write alot. It's a sickness.
My aunts are being horrible to my mother, and my head really hurts. I'm still trying to figure out what I think of all this. Christine and I discussed "abuse" for a little while today, but it's such a heavy word and I think people are too quick to point the finger and too eager to be self proclaimed victims. It is also difficult to seperate actions from people... as a Christian, I try not to judge people. God knows I don't always succeed. The hardest thing for me is to label something as "bad." People are good, and I'm incredibly naive. I kept going back to Phil for the same reasons and I STILL have trouble believing that it wasn't somehow all my fault, that I didn't just bring out the worst in him somehow.
Sheesh.
I'm so glad that I can celebrate Alex's wedding with her, though. The preparations have been exciting and I adore seeing my friends. I'm being crafty, hehe. Next week- or whenever I have time, I've worked every day this week and after the funeral it's more of the same- I'm treating my mum to a manicure. She needs that so much. Nobody else seems to understand that it's the small gestures that really count. She doesn't want a big deal or tons of food or a ten day vacation- she wants ten minutes to sit down and breathe. And she NEEDS to get away for a little while. I was thinking about bringing her to Austin with me some weekend, but I don't know if she'd let herself go for that long.
I'm so tired. I have my own wants, but I try not to think about those. I'm not allowed to get sick; I'm broke and I work and I've got to hold everything together. Just gotta keep going. Try not to see my life unwind before me in this pattern (the only one I'm accustomed to). I can actually see myself as the unmarried friend at 45, the single woman who sits her friends' kids and sends them home with baked goods, then goes to bed alone. I guess I could live like that, but God, I don't want to.
My aunts are being horrible to my mother, and my head really hurts. I'm still trying to figure out what I think of all this. Christine and I discussed "abuse" for a little while today, but it's such a heavy word and I think people are too quick to point the finger and too eager to be self proclaimed victims. It is also difficult to seperate actions from people... as a Christian, I try not to judge people. God knows I don't always succeed. The hardest thing for me is to label something as "bad." People are good, and I'm incredibly naive. I kept going back to Phil for the same reasons and I STILL have trouble believing that it wasn't somehow all my fault, that I didn't just bring out the worst in him somehow.
Sheesh.
I'm so glad that I can celebrate Alex's wedding with her, though. The preparations have been exciting and I adore seeing my friends. I'm being crafty, hehe. Next week- or whenever I have time, I've worked every day this week and after the funeral it's more of the same- I'm treating my mum to a manicure. She needs that so much. Nobody else seems to understand that it's the small gestures that really count. She doesn't want a big deal or tons of food or a ten day vacation- she wants ten minutes to sit down and breathe. And she NEEDS to get away for a little while. I was thinking about bringing her to Austin with me some weekend, but I don't know if she'd let herself go for that long.
I'm so tired. I have my own wants, but I try not to think about those. I'm not allowed to get sick; I'm broke and I work and I've got to hold everything together. Just gotta keep going. Try not to see my life unwind before me in this pattern (the only one I'm accustomed to). I can actually see myself as the unmarried friend at 45, the single woman who sits her friends' kids and sends them home with baked goods, then goes to bed alone. I guess I could live like that, but God, I don't want to.