This entry is based in the past. About an hour ago. Thank you very much.
*Previously written while sitting at the Wired Bean listening to Veronica play*
I am at the Wired Bean (coffee shop)right now, listening to Veronica. She's amazing. I have never had the joy or privilege of hearing her before. Well, I have heard her sing to kids, but that's just silly stuff. This is the real stuff. She will be famous one day, and I will be able to say I knew her!
It's amazing how much music hits my soul. It's truly overwhelming. Almost to the point that I shouldn't listen to it. Every note coming out of Veronica's mouth is so full of passion, it honestly pierces the heart. I swear I am about to cry. I don't know if it's because I feel like I have no passion for anything or because I do. Her singing and music in general makes me feel like someone has emotions like i do, and it's a truly amazing feeling. I feel so alone all the time, so hearing her sing some of her songs makes me feel like she can relate to me. It's extremely powerful. It may also be because her singing is a creative outlet for me. It just makes all my insides explode. I never get to express myself, and I honestly find it devastating to my well being, let alone my heart, mind, and soul.They only beat and move because I make them, but they are all so angry and pent up. I don't know what to do about something as devastating as a passionless life. Again, I don't think I lack passion. I almost want to say I have so much, it has gone the other way. It's done a 180. To the point that it is stuck. Somewhere. Waiting. Wanting to be released. But how? If I can't even figure it out, how is it ever going to It's like I got lost somewhere between childhood and here. I was never able to reach inside myself because I was always outwardly fighting something. My inward self has been ignored for so long. At this point, I can't do anything about it. At least that's how it feels. There are so many opportunities that I have lost by not finding my passion early in life. I enjoy lots of things, but I have never had the opportunity or the drive to stay with anything. I was not born or trained to be good at anything. I think my stigma of "Always being second best" really ruined a lot for me. Honestly, that's my fault. Completely. However, never being told you are good has it's toll as well. And, oddly enough, the things I was told I was good at, I didn't really enjoy--like poetry. Sure I like to write it, but I know I'm not good. And then again, only my drunk english teach from high school and my mother encourage that. Both very un-credible sources. I suppose the only credible source is me, right? Yeah, yeah. Not so easy fella. You try reversing your life on your own, with no support system.
I am such an emotional wreck, it's really ridiculous. Extremely out of control--that's how I feel. Like I cannot get a hold on anything in life. I sit and criticize Kim about her unstable emotions, and here I am, a complete walking disaster. The only difference is, my disaster is inside. I swear I need orange cones and 'caution' tape or my emotions. Watch out of this. Man whole. Heavy machinery in use, proceed with caution.
I don't know if I will ever be ok in my own skin, and it scares me. I have that god-awful feeling that something is terribly wrong, but it is unrecognizable. It just goes on as a mystery until I finally ignore it enough that it goes away, or it comes up and eats me alive. Both are misfortunate.
Sincerely,
Someone who calls them self me
I am at the Wired Bean (coffee shop)right now, listening to Veronica. She's amazing. I have never had the joy or privilege of hearing her before. Well, I have heard her sing to kids, but that's just silly stuff. This is the real stuff. She will be famous one day, and I will be able to say I knew her!
It's amazing how much music hits my soul. It's truly overwhelming. Almost to the point that I shouldn't listen to it. Every note coming out of Veronica's mouth is so full of passion, it honestly pierces the heart. I swear I am about to cry. I don't know if it's because I feel like I have no passion for anything or because I do. Her singing and music in general makes me feel like someone has emotions like i do, and it's a truly amazing feeling. I feel so alone all the time, so hearing her sing some of her songs makes me feel like she can relate to me. It's extremely powerful. It may also be because her singing is a creative outlet for me. It just makes all my insides explode. I never get to express myself, and I honestly find it devastating to my well being, let alone my heart, mind, and soul.They only beat and move because I make them, but they are all so angry and pent up. I don't know what to do about something as devastating as a passionless life. Again, I don't think I lack passion. I almost want to say I have so much, it has gone the other way. It's done a 180. To the point that it is stuck. Somewhere. Waiting. Wanting to be released. But how? If I can't even figure it out, how is it ever going to It's like I got lost somewhere between childhood and here. I was never able to reach inside myself because I was always outwardly fighting something. My inward self has been ignored for so long. At this point, I can't do anything about it. At least that's how it feels. There are so many opportunities that I have lost by not finding my passion early in life. I enjoy lots of things, but I have never had the opportunity or the drive to stay with anything. I was not born or trained to be good at anything. I think my stigma of "Always being second best" really ruined a lot for me. Honestly, that's my fault. Completely. However, never being told you are good has it's toll as well. And, oddly enough, the things I was told I was good at, I didn't really enjoy--like poetry. Sure I like to write it, but I know I'm not good. And then again, only my drunk english teach from high school and my mother encourage that. Both very un-credible sources. I suppose the only credible source is me, right? Yeah, yeah. Not so easy fella. You try reversing your life on your own, with no support system.
I am such an emotional wreck, it's really ridiculous. Extremely out of control--that's how I feel. Like I cannot get a hold on anything in life. I sit and criticize Kim about her unstable emotions, and here I am, a complete walking disaster. The only difference is, my disaster is inside. I swear I need orange cones and 'caution' tape or my emotions. Watch out of this. Man whole. Heavy machinery in use, proceed with caution.
I don't know if I will ever be ok in my own skin, and it scares me. I have that god-awful feeling that something is terribly wrong, but it is unrecognizable. It just goes on as a mystery until I finally ignore it enough that it goes away, or it comes up and eats me alive. Both are misfortunate.
Sincerely,
Someone who calls them self me