bigbang: See: Life (5/6)
Masterpost | Part four
-
Jensen was half-asleep by the time they arrived back at Jared’s place. His thoughts felt disconnected - too fast and too distant, as though someone was whispering in his ear. Hurting... hurts all over. What was Chris doing there? Jared didn’t say anything about Chris being there! What the hell was he saying about Chad?
Jensen jolted a little when Jared opened the door, sending pain through his stomach. “C’mon,” said Jared quietly, pulling Jensen out of the car gently.
Jensen was silent, meek, as Jared led him through the dark, cold landscape. Jensen followed Jared trustingly and blindly, and he didn’t care. Jared walked as quickly as he could, dragging Jensen by the wrist as he went, but not harshly. Jensen was still limping slightly, but it wasn't hurting as much as it was before. Every now and again he'd trip slightly over a rock or a stick, but Jared held onto him tightly.
Jensen stood still, his eyes drooping slightly, while Jared unlocked the door to the dark house. "Where's your mom?" asked Jensen quietly.
"She's probably upstairs in her room, watching TV, she’ll be up there until she falls asleep."
"Oh, okay."
Jared nodded and led Jensen into the house, turning on lights as they went. Jensen followed behind, feeling useless. He'd ruined poor Jared's night because he couldn't just fucking ignore Chris for once.
"M'sorry," said Jensen as Jared lifted him up onto the counter in the kitchen.
Jared eyed him worriedly. "For what?"
"For ruinin' your night - I should've just freakin' ignored Chris," mumbled Jensen sadly, "I'm sorry."
"Hey, hey," said Jared softly. "It's fine, okay? Chris... he's the one that attacked you, and I know I would definitely be yelling back if people were saying things like that to me. Don't be sorry."
Jensen just nodded, not believing Jared. "Thanks," he said, as quietly as humanly possible, and Jared wouldn't have been able to hear him had it not been for the years he'd spent out in the fields having to listen to Jeffrey through the wind and miles between them.
"It's fine, now, where does it hurt?"
Jensen gestured feebly at his face. "M'face," he said. He didn't want Jared to see his stomach, where Chad had nearly written his fucking name.
"Is that all? You were limping? And, god, you were coughing up blood, what if you punctured your lung? Does your chest hurt? Have you coughed up anymore blood?"
"Yeah, leg's fine. Chris must've just caught it at some point. S'Not hurting anymore. My chest hurts a little, but no more blood."
Jared eyed him sceptically. "Okay..." he said, walking over to the cupboard and pulling out a large plastic container full of medicine and bandages. He grabbed one of the tissues from the box on the counter and held it under the tap, running some water over it and stepping back over to Jensen. “Stay still.”
Jensen was silent as Jared cleaned up the dried blood on his face. He hissed each time the wet tissue made contact with his skin, Jared apologising each time. Jensen closed his eyes, disgusted with himself. Jared shouldn’t be sorry, it was Jensen who ruined Jared’s night, not the other way around. Jensen who just couldn’t freakin’ ignore Chris. “I’m sorry,” Jensen whispered dejectedly and almost silently.
“Hey, c’mon what’re you sorry for? Stop apologising, Jen.”
Jensen couldn’t bring himself to get worked up about the nickname. Too sore. “M’sorry for ruining your night, I should have just kept to myself.”
“Nonsense,” said Jared gently, pulling away, the bloody tissue still gripped between his thumb and forefinger, “he provoked you, I would have done the same thing. Don’t worry about it, okay?”
Jensen sighed and Jared gave him a tiny smile before throwing the tissue into the trash can. “You’re probably so tired and sore, so I’ll set up a mattress for you on the floor. It’s only eight-thirty, so I’ll put on a movie for us to watch until you fall asleep.”
Jensen bit his lip, his eyebrows furrowed. That was something he’d never heard anyone say before. Usually they wanted him in bed with them, so they could use him during the night if they wanted. Didn’t Jared want to? Fuck, of course he didn’t, he’d heard all the horrible things Chris and Jensen had said to each other. There was no way he hadn’t made some sense out of it. Why the hell would Jared want him in his bed? Jensen was dirty.
“Jensen? Something on your mind?” asked Jared softly.
“Huh? Oh, no. No, nothing. Nothing at all.”
Jared gave him a small, all-too-knowing smile. “Alright. C’mon.”
Jensen followed Jared up the stairs, trying not to focus on his body’s painful protests. Once they made it up the stairs, Jensen had to pause for a moment to catch his breath. Jared waited for him patiently, and took his hand when he was done. Jensen gritted as they walked down to Jared’s door, and was so relieved when Jared opened it and he was allowed in.
Jensen gave Jared’s walls a wide-eyed look in the dark, but he had a headache and his body was annoyed with him standing up for so long, so Jared’s walls were only spared a glance.
Jared smiled beside him, letting go of Jensen's hand, and turning away and walking over to his bed, pulling out a mattress from under it. “Sit down,” said Jared, gesturing at his bed. Jensen obliged, and took the chance to gaze around the rest of the room, getting a much closer look. Last time Jensen had been way too focused on Jared’s pictures. Apparently, Jared seemed to have a questionable love of tie-dyed things, and dream-catchers.
"A dream-catcher," said Jensen, surprised, leaning forward to take a closer look at the brown dream-catcher hanging above Jared’s bed.
"Yeah," said Jared, "lots of dreams of you caught in there."
Jensen snorted a little, making his nose hurt. "Aren't they supposed to catch bad dreams?"
Jared paused for a moment, before chuckling. He shook his head. "Nope. Dreamcatchers actually catch good dreams and let the bad ones through. And mine totally catches awesome ones, so I can dream ‘em again later."
Jensen snorted, but looked mildly interested. "Oh, okay... I guess it’s good to know that it’s full of good dreams instead of bad ones." If Jensen had a dreamcatcher, it would still probably be full of bad dreams. He never has good dreams.
"Definitely."
Jensen gave him a small smile. "Stop looking at me like that."
Jared grinned back before walking across the room. "I'm just gonna go get some sheets and a warm blanket for your mattress, okay? You can wait in here."
"All right," said Jensen.
Jared gave him another smile and left quietly. Jensen sighed and crossed his legs a little painfully, his eyes drifting over Jared’s picture-walls. Jared’s desk was leaning up against the right wall; a framed picture of Jared and his brother sitting on it. From what Jensen could see, they both looked so happy - huge, identical smiles on both of their faces. He sort of really wanted to run his fingers along it - steal Jared’s smile and take it home, but no. Nope. Not his. Chad taught him to never touch things that weren't for him. Even if that lesson didn't really work in the end... Jensen thought of the drugs he had hidden under his bed and felt a mad yearning for some ecstasy to get rid of this sad feeling.
Jensen jolted when Jared walked back into the room, getting to work on making Jensen's mattress for him. Jensen turned around. "What movie do you wanna watch?" asked Jared as he tucked the bottom sheet under the mattress.
"Um... what ones d'you have?"
"Uh, like, lots? I'm kinda a movie buff, actually. I told you before my favourite’s horror right? And yours is - apparently - sci fi. I got lots of my favourite horror movies here, though, thrills and chills for hours,” laughed Jared, standing up and throwing one of his pillows onto Jensen's makeshift bed. Jared winked at him and collapsed heavily onto his bed. "Okay, so what movie?"
"I dunno... what's your favourite horror movie?"
"Erm, well... that's hard. Uh. Probably Suspiria? Cheesy 70’s horror at its very best, just cover your eyes for the murder scenes, though."
"Alright, let's watch that."
Jared grinned happily. "Awesome!" he declared, standing up and rushing over to his desk, pulling out one of the lower drawers. He pulled out Suspiria with unnerving accuracy.
"You've watched it a lot, huh?"
"Too much... hey, you wanna just stay on my bed and lay with me, or do you wanna lay on the mattress?"
Jensen swallowed, thoughts whizzing through his mind before he settled on shrugging. "I don't mind."
"Stay with me, then. I'm like a heater, you'll never get cold. Ever. With me. Oh, and you can take off your hoodie, I'm sure you don't wanna be sleeping in a bloody hoodie. If it gets too cold, you can just borrow one of mine. But I'm really warm, so I dunno if you’ll need one."
Jensen smiled a little and pulled off his hoodie, rolling it up into a small bundle and placing it onto the floor beside Jared’s bed, taking the time to think. Jared had invited him to stay in his bed? What did that mean, then? Jensen closed his eyes for a moment, before turning around. Jared was leaning forward and shoving the DVD into the player. Jared's TV wasn't very big, but Jensen didn't mind.
Jared eased onto his stomach beside Jensen. Jensen paused for a moment before echoing his movements. Jared handed him a pillow to put under his chin. "Thanks," said Jensen quietly.
Jared grinned and wiggled closer, heating up Jensen's right side. "A heater, yeah right," said Jensen, "more like a fireplace."
Jared grinned and inclined his head a little, looking up at the TV through his bangs. Jensen turned to watch the movie, but he couldn't focus. The music was giving him a headache and as he blocked it out, all he could feel was the warmth and comfort of Jared beside him, contrasting the darkness of the room. When he didn’t focus on that, he thought of Chris. Chris had said almost everything Jensen hadn’t wanted Jared to know... well, not wanted to know from their point of view, goddamnit. That was why he gave Jared his journal page, why he’s considering giving Jared more journal pages...
Just because he doesn’t want to talk about it doesn’t mean he can’t write about it.
Jensen jumped when Jared draped his arm across his back. “Heh, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you - um, is it okay if we... y’know? Can we... can I just hold you?”
Jensen blinked. Hold him? No one... no one had ever freaking asked him that. Why the fuck wasn’t Jared all take take take like everyone else? “Um... I guess? If you want to?”
“Awesome... thank you,” sighed Jared happily, rolling onto his side, grabbing Jensen across his middle and pulling him against his chest.
Jensen's side was pressed fiercely up against Jared, and Jensen felt good. When Jensen cuddled with people, and that never happened often, a heavy weight always settled in his stomach and all he'd want to do would be pull away. But this... this felt comfortable. Jared was comfortable. And that was a pretty wonderful thing. Jensen sighed and let his eyes drift shut.
"I want to take some pictures of you," said Jared softly, his voice cutting through Jensen's calm thoughts.
Jensen frowned. Why would Jared want pictures of hopelessness and scars? "Why?" whispered Jensen.
"'Cause," Jensen felt Jared shift slightly, "you're so much prettier than anything I have on my wall."
The skin around Jensen's eyes tightened. "Don't..." he said eventually, "don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Sweet talk me, if you wanna do something just do it, okay?"
Jared stiffened. "What? I'm not - I don't... why are you like that, Jensen? I don’t want to do anything to you, okay? Please stop thinking that I’m gonna hurt you?"
Jensen opened his eyes furiously, but his voice was soft. "No. Because no one's ever been like that and I have no reason to believe otherwise." C’mon. Just kiss him. Let him fuck you. Prove he’s the same as everyone else and get the fuck outta here.
Jared let out a sad humming noise. "What about me? Aren't I a reason?"
Jensen swallowed. "I don't know you enough yet..."
Jared grabbed the remote control, pressing 'pause'. The sinister music ceased. "Okay," he said, sliding his other arm under Jensen, "what more do you want to know about me?"
Jensen lowered his eyes, lifting his arm that was pressed against Jared out from beside him, beginning to play idly with the quilt cover. "I don't know... what else is there to know?"
"We-ell... my full name's Jared Tristan Padalecki. I used to have a dog named Sadie, but she lives with my dad now - I still get to see her when I visit him, but I don't visit him very often. Back in school we had this great drama teacher and I loved acting so much, but since I didn’t finish school I never pursued my acting career, but I take pictures now, so it's okay."
Jensen frowned. "Do you miss acting?"
"Uh... nah. Not really; I never really got to do much of it."
"Oh," said Jensen quietly.
"Yeah," Jared moved a little. "But it's alright. Do you wanna tell me anything else about you?"
Jensen swallowed, shifting away from Jared subconsciously. "Um..." no, he couldn't say anything about Chad, at least - not yet, "I've already told you most things about me," he paused, "maybe I'll let you read some more of my journal sometime."
"Okay," said Jared.
Jensen felt guilty. There's gotta be something he could tell Jared, right? "I have to see my psychiatrist on Wednesday... she's been talking to me about making friends. I think I'll finally tell her about you." Jensen neglected to mention he already had.
Jared’s arm tightened around Jensen, while the rest of his body loosened. Jensen could feel Jared's happiness radiating off his warm body. "Awesome," he declared.
“Half the time I don't know what the hell I'm doing,” added Jensen. Jensen shrugged a little and Jared pulled him closer.
“Come on.”
“Jared?”
Jared shifted beside him. “Yeah?”
“Do you like me?” He felt Jared’s body shake a little with silent laughter. Jensen’s heart sank. Oh god... Jared thought he was a joke. He didn’t fucking like him. No one did. Jensen tried to recant. “I -”
“Of course I like you, Jensen,” said Jared loudly. “I like you so much!”
Jensen hesitantly allowed pleasure to rush through him. Jared did like him. But why? “Why?”
“Because you’re a good person - you’re different and creative and thoughtful. I’m really glad I met you.”
Jensen hummed, relief surging through him, and pulled back from Jared. “Me too. I mean, I like you too.”
Jared laughed. “I’d hope so! Since it’d be kinda strange to hang around with someone you don’t like. Unless you liked their friend. You don’t have a crush on Steve, do you?”
“What? No!”
“Good,” smiled Jared, pulling Jensen closer. “That’s really good.”
-
“How was your week this week?”
“I got in a fight.”
“Oh -”
“I let Jared read my journal.”
“Oh -”
“I told Jared about what my dad did.”
“Oh. Wow, Jensen. Why would you do those things for Jared?” Jensen noticed the badly hidden displeasure in her voice. She wanted him to show her his journal, so she could lock him up for good.
“Because I tested the water, and he didn’t hurt me.”
“I see. Okay. What provoked you to get into a fight?”
“Chris.”
“Jensen, what were you doing near Chris? You know what will happen if you go back.”
“I was going to Jared’s friend’s show. I didn’t know Chris would be there.”
“That is why you have that bruise on your cheek?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. What did you and Chris fight about?”
“... Chad.”
“Do you want to talk about Ch -”
“No.”
“All right. Did you do the homework I asked you to do, Jensen? Do you have your definition?”
“Yeah, see: life.”
“I see. So, you think see: life - ‘life’ is a good definition for insanity?”
“Mhm, I told you it was a useless word.”
“Yes. Yes, you did.”
“I remembered my mom yesterday. A little bit.”
“You did? That’s very good! What was the memory, Jensen?”
“She used to take pictures and she was always screaming at me to get her outta there. I was only nine.”
His psychiatrist made a minute note in her pad. “Did you write anything about it?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t wanna write,” snapped Jensen.
She looked up at him, her rectangular glasses perched low on her nose. “I’m going to prescribe you some more antidepressants.”
“Fine.”
Jensen’s hand found his scarred palm and he stabbed his fingernails into it. His psychiatrist watched and made a tiny note.
-
Jensen folded the page in half carefully and placed it on his nightstand.
That was two days ago.
-
Jared was sitting on the end of Jensen’s bed while Jensen was burrowed under his covers. “Go away,” he growled, pulling the sheet over his head, the cold air flickering out from under his covers. His air-conditioner had been running all afternoon. His mind was still tingling, white lights still dancing behind his eyelids.
Jared didn’t move. “I brought you some of my polaroids.”
Jensen was still for a moment before he threw the covers off him irritably. “Give ‘em here,” he said, taking Jared’s pictures from him. As chance would have it, Jared had brought him happy pictures. Of course. He blinked a few times. Sunflowers, a field, blue sky, balloons, a Ferris wheel, rumpled sheets, and a picture of Jared’s eye. They made Jensen smile. He looked up at Jared before grabbing a neatly folded piece of paper off the nightstand carefully. “For you.”
Jared took the paper gingerly and they both stared at one another’s thoughts in unison. Jensen decided that Jared was probably a visual learner. “Thanks,” said Jared.
“Yeah. You too,” sighed Jensen, holding the pictures of the places he’s never been and things he’s never seen closely to his chest, his heart, and sliding back under his sheets.
“Dee says you won’t stop sleeping.” That’s a lie, according to Jensen’s bloodshot eyes and the lights that keep swimming in and out of his vision.
“I’ve stopped now, haven’t I?”
“Yeah, but you don’t seem too happy about it.”
“Yeah, well...” Jensen groaned and pulled the sheet over his head again. He jumped when he heard the sound of a snapshot. “What the -” Jensen pulled his sheet back down, raising an eyebrow at Jared, who had a Polaroid camera clutched in his big hands. It swirled a little in his vision, like a heatwave was blowing through it.
“Smile!”
Jensen didn’t. “Where’d that come from?”
Jared shrugged, gesturing over at the messenger bag beside Jensen’s door. When Jensen looked back at Jared, he was smiling, holding the picture between his thumb and forefinger. He showed Jensen, who groaned and laid back down in his bed. The only part of him you could see in the picture was his hair poking out from under the sheet. “Seriously. Go away.”
“I don’t wanna.”
“Don’t you have chores to do?”
“Done.”
“A Steve to see?”
“Seen.”
Jensen sighed, rubbing his eyes. He heard Jared take another picture and giggle. A slight blush tinted his cheeks and he rolled onto his stomach, closing his eyes. “Well. If you’re gonna stay, I’m sleeping.”
He felt Jared move up the bed before pushing Jensen forward, against the wall, and wrapping his arms around Jensen’s torso. Jensen sighed when Jared draped his leg over Jensen’s. “I hate you,” sighed Jensen.
“Don’t be sad.”
“I’m not sad, I’m annoyed.”
“Don’t forget to take your antidepressants.”
Jensen went still. Jared just said things so casually... it was unnerving. And Jensen wanted to say something mean, some scornful retort, instead it’s - “I won’t.”
Jared’s not them. (For now).
They were silent for awhile before Jared snuck his hand under Jensen’s shirt. Jensen jumped, his eyes opening wide as Jared slid his fingers over Jensen’s scar. “What’s -” started Jared, but Jensen sat up forcefully, Jared’s hold disappearing as he tried to stay on the bed.
Jensen jumped off the bed, running hands though his hair, the skin on his abdomen tingling. “Don’t touch me - there. Don’t touch me there.”
Jared sat up, looking at Jensen before he bit his lip. “Can I... will you tell me why?”
Jensen’s breathing increased. No, he couldn’t - he couldn’t tell Jared. No, no, no. Not yet. Not ever? Not now. “N-no - I’m sorry.”
Jared licked his lips and pointed at Jensen’s desk, where he’d left out a bunch of colourful ecstasy pills. Jensen’s eyes widened. Fuck, he hadn’t even realised he’d left those out. “What are they?”
No, not what are they, why the hell had Jensen not put them away? Why was Jared looking for ways to know? “I...” should Jensen tell Jared about that other part of him? “They’re my... they’re my ecstasy tablets. E.”
“Ecstasy?” Jensen closed his eyes and counted to three. He waited for Jared to start yelling, to not understand that Jensen needed what he needed and no one could stop that. That Jensen had spent the last two days seeing swirling colours and fantastic dreams and feeling so good. But now, now he was just feeling empty again. Jensen’s eyes sprung open when a hand rested on his shoulder. “Why... what... what does it do for you?”
Jared’s eyes were open wide, naive, honest, and curious. Jensen had to keep himself from snorting. Curiosity really did kill the cat, along with some incredibly warped world-views. “I... well, it’s not my favourite... but it makes me happy. I... I like to hallucinate? I like acid best, but you need to be in a good mood when you take it... stay in a good mood, otherwise you have a bad trip... E just makes me happy, makes me see so much pretty...” don’t hate me.
Jared nodded, his eyes alight. “Okay. Okay, okay, okay.”
“Just ‘okay’?”
“Yeah... yeah, just ‘okay’. Um. Should you... be taking that when you’re... y’know?” Jared’s gaze flickered around the room, his voice tentative.
There. Jared regretted getting to know Jensen. Jared was using his illness against him like so many had done before. There it was, the chink in Jared’s armour. “Get out,” hissed Jensen.
“Huh? What -”
“Get out or I’ll call my aunt,” Jensen said, so calm, so angry.
“Jensen -” Jensen opened his mouth to yell for Aunt Dee, but Jared held his hands up in incredulous defeat. “Okay, okay - I’m sorry... I, uh, I’ll get going.”
Jensen watched Jared leave, stiffly aware of the polaroids still clutched in his hand. Jared fumbled with his messenger bag, shoving his Polaroid camera back into it. He turned to look at Jensen. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said firmly.
Jensen opened his mouth to protest angrily, but Jared was already out the door. Jensen stood in the middle of the room for a while before turning around and flinging himself down on his bed, yelling into the sheets, tears wetting the fabric. He clawed at his slashed palm. Jared can’t just - he can’t just come in and act all happy then fuck up and freaking announce he’ll be back tomorrow. That fucker.
Jensen swallowed and rolled over on the bed. No one ever fucking listened to him, he thought bitterly. If... no... yeah? Maybe... what if he just kinda - offed himself? No big deal. It’s his choice. Better than what he’s feeling at the moment - his highs are good, but when he falls it’s horrible. He totally could, you’ll see if he can’t. It’s just... it’s just that he kind of wants to see if Jared’ll keep his promise. Jensen wondered what Jared would do if he said that he was the one stopping him from killing himself...
He’d entertained that thought of dying a lot over the years, since his electroshock therapy. In a way he kind of owes Chad, because if it weren’t for him Jensen would’ve killed himself years ago. It’d be entirely Jensen’s choice if he decided to stop playing the game, though. Fuck, though, fuck that fucking Jared who’s kinda like his conscience or something now, which is ridiculous - entirely ridiculous. Sort of - it’d feel impolite if he didn’t tell him. Somehow.
Jensen sighed and rolled off the bed. Pointless. Utterly pointless. He swept all the tablets off the desk onto his hand, his eyes widening when he saw the blood. He’d held it too tight again. Jensen swallowed and shoved them into his mattress, just as his aunt opened the door. “Hey, sweetie - what are you doing, Jensen?”
Jensen turned around quickly, setting a cool expression on his face while his heart raced. But being with them for all that time years taught him to lie so, so well. “Fixing up my sheets. Whadd’ya want?”
“Jared left quickly... is there something wrong?”
“No. He had somewhere he needed to be.”
“Oh... alright. Well, your psychiatrist just wanted me to check on you.”
Jensen’s eyebrows furrowed. “You’ve talked to her? What about? Why were you talking to her?”
His aunt’s eyes caught on his bloody hand. “That, actually,” she sighed tiredly, pointing at his hand.
Jensen wiped the blood against his jeans. “No big deal. The skin rips easy -”
“Jensen... your psychiatrist knows why you do it, okay, dear? You really aren’t as subtle as you like to think... she wants me to keep an eye on you.”
“What are you talking about?” hissed Jensen, rubbing his temples.
“You’re always playing with your hand when you’re down, or when you’re considering hurting yourself further than just making your palm bleed. Your psychiatrist knows.”
“Then why are you telling me?”
“So you know why I’m not going to be letting you go out unsupervised until your depressive episode is over.”
“This is me. I’m not depressed.”
“I’m not going to go through this with you, alright? Get some sleep. You look really tired... and talk to Jared, okay? Don’t put everything into him, but let him know you... he’s a good boy.”
“Go away,” hissed Jensen, climbing back onto his bed until he heard a sigh and the door gently close.
Talk to Jared... it really was that easy, wasn’t it? But the thing is, Jensen doesn’t think Jared wants to know. Sure, the guy is curious, but he - he really, really doesn’t want to know. And he’s different; so, so different, but Jensen’s kinda hard to love. The only one who ever truly understood that was Chad because he was the one that made Jensen scarred and cynical and meek, so he never cared.
Jared, though, Jared would probably care a lot. Maybe. Also, what the hell was that about Jensen’s palm? They didn’t have a goddamn clue... Jensen thought about the night his father had found him ‘running away’ - a week later he was dragged to his aunt’s house. No one ever knew where he was going though, except Chad. He was gonna die that night, he’d promised he would, but his dad had stopped him.
Next thing he knew he was stealing Chad’s stuff and driving to nowhere with someone he’d only met a few times in his life. His palm was a sentiment of rage, shame and cowardice. His psychiatrist didn’t know Jack shit.
Jensen rolled over onto his other side. He leaned over and picked up the photograph of the sunflowers off the floor at random. He held it up to his tired eyes and wished his past was like Jared’s, wished he could be more like Jared. He didn’t wanna go with Chad to Toronto anymore, he kind of wanted to take Jared to Maine where they’d be beggars greedy for gold coins and each other. Life would be simple and easy.
But if there was one thing they taught him, it was that life was shallow and meaningless when it was simple. Jensen thinks it’s kinda because of them that he spends every night trying to convince himself he’s a realist when he’s actually an absurdist.
His life was pointless with no ultimate goal. At least, until that goddamn kid with the jackal eyes showed up.
-
True to his word, Jared was back the next day.
Jared grinned at Jensen’s incredulous look as he waltzed into the bedroom, dumping his messenger bag beside Jensen’s bed before slumping down across Jensen’s legs. “Ow! Hey - get off -”
Jared sat back up, still grinning. “Sorry, I’m just happy to see you. What’cha been up to?”
Jensen regarded him for a moment. “What are you doing back here?”
“I told you I was coming back to see you, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, but -” Jensen gave him a helpless look.
“Okay, good. So, what’s the problem? Hey, what happened to your palm?” Jared eyed Jensen’s bandaged hand. Jensen looked down, covering it with his other hand and scowling.
“It was bleeding again - no biggie,” he said, pulling his sheets over his head, letting them slide down onto him slowly. Jared found it kind of adorable.
“Oh, okay. I - um, I brought you some more of my pictures, if you want ‘em.”
Jensen was silent for a moment before he said a small - “yeah, I want them.”
Jared smiled and pulled the pictures out of his pocket, sliding them under the sheets and placing them on Jensen’s stomach. The touch left shivers running up his arm. Jared heard an amused sniff. “He laughs!” declared Jared, patting Jensen’s stomach before removing his hand from under the sheets.
“I’m not laughin’... hey, um, the piece of paper on the desk is for you.”
Jared smiled and nodded, standing up and walking over to Jensen’s desk. There was no trace of the coloured pills that had been there yesterday. Jared swallowed and picked up the pieces of paper, wondering what he’d be told about today.
Jared swallowed and folded up the note. He wanted so badly to ask Jensen about it, but he knew he couldn’t. His mother was schizophrenic? Jared glanced over at Jensen who was sitting up in his bed, flicking through the polaroids and smiling to himself. Jared looked back at the paper and unfolded it, his eyes scanning the page for a date. Four years ago. These thoughts were four years old today. Jared looked at the page again and felt a pang of jealousy for the guy Jensen had met at therapy those years ago.
“These are... inspiring,” murmured Jensen from the bed.
Jared faked a smile and turned around. “Thanks. I wanted to make you feel better.”
“You said you believed in heaven and hell, didn’t ya?”
“Uh... yeah?” said Jared, confused. Jensen made a humming sound and looked back at the photos. Jared frowned. “Why do you ask?”
Jensen looked up through his eyelashes. “No reason.”
Jared licked his lips and tucked the piece of paper into his pocket. He sat down in Jensen’s desk chair, swinging it around so he faced Jensen. “Your bruise is fading,” Jared noted.
Jensen touched his cheek self-consciously. “Thanks for the update.”
Jared gave him a small smile. “Aren’t you bored? This is the fourth day you’ve locked yourself in this room.”
“It’s cold in here and I’m tired.”
“Only ‘cause you’ve been sleeping so much. Let’s go outside, you’re looking paler than usual,” and he was - the skin around Jensen’s eyes was bruised from too much sleep and his skin was so pale.
“You wanna go outside? Then go outside, I’m staying in here,” said Jensen, yawning.
“I do. C’mon I’ll make grass-angels with you in the long grass?”
“Itchy. No.”
“Um... we could toss the pigskin?”
“Requires energy. No.”
“Well, we could -”
“No.”
“Maybe -”
“No.”
“I’ll push you on the swing?”
Jared watched Jensen open his mouth, before considering it, his gaze moving from his white skin to the window and to Jared. Jensen sighed, pulling the covers back. “Whatever,” he frowned, “but I’ll have new freckles when we come back in, it’s really sunny outside.”
Jared smiled. “I don’t mind,” he winked. Jared had never really thought about freckles before, but Jensen’s were cute and they suited him. Jared grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder.
Jensen blushed a little and walked toward the door, leading Jared through the house and out the back. Everything was motionless outside, except for the heatwaves in the distance. It was like the entire world was soundless, except for Jensen, who went and sat on the still swing, watching Jared.
Jared grinned - his immediate reaction to most things - and sauntered over to Jensen. He stood behind him, placing one of his hands on Jensen’s back and pushing. Jensen’s t-shirt was thin and the skin underneath was hot. It sent tingles down Jared’s spine.
Jensen let out a happy sound once he was in the air. “Not too high - this is good.”
“All right,” said Jared, reluctantly letting his hands drop. He stepped away, leaving against one of the poles supporting the swing. Jensen was staring off into the distance, a faraway look in his eyes. “What are you thinking about?”
“I’m not easy to get along with,” said Jensen, “not really.”
Jared frowned. “I think you’re easy enough to get along with.”
“That’s only ‘cause you haven’t known me long enough... and you don’t take no for an answer, and you’re... different, a good different I think,” said Jensen, turning a little pink.
Jared grinned. “Is that Jensen-language for I like you, Jared?”
“No. It’s Jensen-language for I trust you, Jared,” Jensen smiled a little, “Jensen-language for ‘I like you, Jared’ is ‘bring me an energy drink, bitch’.”
“Do you like me?”
“I dunno, go get me an energy drink.”
Jared smiled a little and shook his head. “Sorry. I know for a fact Dee doesn’t like energy drinks and doesn’t keep ‘em in her fridge.”
“Okay. Don’t worry, I still like you.
Jared grinned, a surge of pleasure rushing through him so fast that he felt dizzy. “I like you too.” Jensen gave him a wistful smile and skidded his feet against the ground. “Can I kiss you?” Jared added.
“I told you that you didn’t have to ask.”
Jared walked over and knelt in front of Jensen. Jared cupped Jensen’s head with his large hands and leaned in, meeting their lips. Jared felt Jensen smiling against his lips before he grabbed the front of Jared’s shirt and deepened their kiss. Jared sighed happily when Jensen pulled away.
“You’ve got pretty lips,” noted Jared.
Jared frowned when he saw Jensen narrow his eyes and tighten his lips. “Thanks.”
“What’s wrong? Oh god, am I a horrible kisser? You should’ve said something! Oh -”
“No,” Jensen laughed a little. “Nothing like that... I’m just tired. I think I’ll go back to my room... will I see you tomorrow?”
“Yup, after I’m finished my chores,” Jared smiled and stood, wiping some dust off his knees before straightening up.
“Hey,” said Jensen softly. Jared looked down. Jensen was pulling a small, crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket. He handed it to Jared, who took it gingerly.
“Two in one day,” smiled Jared.
Jensen shrugged. “You’ll miss out on a lot of stupid and meaningless love poems.”
Jared swallowed, ignoring his slight jealousy. “Okay, cool.”
“Alright. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”
“Sure thing,” said Jared, trying for a smile. He opened the scrunched up piece of paper once Jensen had started walking towards the house. It only had one sentence on it.
Part six