Sometimes you just need a change...
I have my computer back...but I'm at the Center right now and bored as all hell. Well...kinda. I had two appointments signed for 1 and 1:30, but they called and cancelled them..so I have an hour to myself before someone comes in. That's fine with me though...I don't really want to deal with anyone today. Anyone at all.
I'm actually fine. I feel fine, I'm in a good moood, I don't feel sick or tired or depressed...I just don't want to be bothered. That's all. I don't want people around me. I didn't want to come today either, just for that fact, but I had to. I've missed too much school as it is. It doesn't bother me that I have...well..sometimes it does when I feel completely lost during a discussion. It just bothers me that when I come back, or whenever I happen to miss a day (or a few lol), I get swamped with people trying to pry their way into my business. I hate feeling like I have to explain myself to everyone. I hated it in high school--having the goddamn teachers cramming their noses so far up your ass you felt like you couldn't do anything without someone knowing about it, and why you did it. That's why I used to miss so much then. And yeah...all you people think you knew me, thought I absolutely loved school and being a geek or whatever the fuck you considered me to be. So wrong...I hated it. I love learning, but I hate the institution and the people in it. I hate anything that forces it's authority on you, or gave people the opportunity to act like they owned every aspect of your life. I hate any kind of institution like that...maybe that's why I don't like how the world is--just cause it's all about power and being above the rest or having more than the person next to you.
Sometimes I wish things were like the way they were before I made friends. I used to be really shy...really reserved...and never had anyone I considered 'friends' in school. I didn't really have acquaintences--they were just "people I go to school with". It was rather lonely, but it was also nice--compared to having people feel an obligation to get into your business and life. It's annoying. If I don't want to talk about something, or share a particular reason with someone because I dont' feel the need to explain myself, then I shouldn't have to. But a lot of people dont see it like that...especially teachers. And I really don't see why they should care...it's not their money paying for my courses; it's not their grade...they just have to give the damn thing and be done with it. But they act like they have every right in the world to know exactly why you missed that class. And they'd die if they were told it's uninteresting and a pain in the ass.
I really dislike my Honors class. I don't find any of the readings interesting...just annoying. So I don't read them (a majority of the time). The only advantage to it is that there's only 2 major assignments--a paper and the final. But they take a turn for the worse when you really can't stand the class or the subjects presented in it...makes it hard to know what to write about and how to go into enough detail on a particular subject. I don't like my Bio class...but that's only because she's not very good in the presenting area--kinda drones--and it's basic routine stuff I covered in high school. I absolutely hate the labs for it--3 hours long....god, I always seem to wish I had a gun by the middle of one of those things. The others are okay...I love my Latin class, even though it's a challenge (which I like). And my English class is alright...just not the kind of literature that I can really get into, so I don't have a whole helluva lot of interest in it.
I think my main problem these last few weeks is that I'm leaning into that I-need-a-change mode. I tend to go through it after being in one place for so long, or going to one school. It's where I need a break from the old, regular, boring routine. I used to tell myself that I hated all the moving and transferring we did when I was little...about going through a total of 11 schools before graduation. But I didn't....I got so used to it, that it affects my life even now. I get bored with things....and then I start to not care, or slip in them. Especially school. I am so ready for this semester to end. I'm getting so tired of getting up and going, even though I love to learn. I'm getting tired of doing the same work day-in-day-out. I've even considered taking a semester off--one, to help mom by getting a job, and two, just cause I don't have the patience for it anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can only hope that the month-long Xmas vacation helps. Maybe I'll be able to take a trip out to WV--change my surroundings as well as get out of the tiring routine of school. I don't know, though.
Anywho, I think I've written enough. I just needed to vent...I felt like getting up and storming out of my Honors class--too many people, too close to me, and too nosey. But I made myself stay...and then rushed out as fast as I could. And venting always helps. So, until next time guys...