Reinvention
I started getting depressed on Friday. It was one of those gradual things that creeps up and tries to drag you down into the deep abyss of the world. I saw it comeing. These things come and go from time to time, but I didn't want it to come to me this time. I decided my system needed a good waking up. I had found myself and now the time had come to start the reinvention stage. It isn't hard to find yourself once you get a bit of alone time. Its not hard at all. You have to start living with yourself and blaming yourself when things go wrong. You don't have that other person there taking all the blame. You have to do all the praising of yourself, and so forth and so on. I had been sick this past week as well. Bad head cold, lots of snot, but I'm rambling. Just stalling until I can get back to talking about my dreams. Of which there was a good one last night.
So Friday I decided to drink some coffee. Had had caffeine in about a month. Trying to lose weight and all. That shocked my system some, which brought on the idea to shock my system completely. Complete and utter loss of all comfort zones. So Friday turns into Saturday, which was had an awsome BESM D20 game with long lost friends. Then I went home, and can't remember when my head finally hit the pillow. It was some 38 hours awake though. Then sunday was D&D, and again no sleep for the weary. Oil light on the car came on Sunday as I was leaving. Didn't stay on, just a flicker. So yesterday I go to get the oil changed. No problems there. I get about 2 miles down the road when the car gets extremely hot, so I pull over and call Deans. Now I have no car, they have it for repairs. They took me to college. I finished up my day there and had to ride the bus home. Almost fell asleep in math, and missed windows admin completely. I got home around 4pm or there abouts. Maybe 3:30. Puttered around on the computer, caught myself falling asleep, so I drag my ass to bed for a two hour nap until dinner. That two hour napped turned into a 14 hours of heaven.
I dreamt of her again. She's always there, even when she isn't. My dreams have lost their details though. Brain has gotten fuzzy around the edges almost as if I'm viewing my dreams through thick distorted hazy glass. However, this one still has bits and pieces attached to it. More feelings than any real images, but we shared a bed. It had the feeling of being some military function, like one of those winter parties they like to have. We were there together, and of course the highlight being that we shared a bed. Not sexually, but the closeness and cuddling meant more. Of course that always means more. The beginning of a relationship is always much better than the middle or end. I believe I again gave her the speach. The same speach I plan on giving her in real life one day. I should just do it, but its hard to find the time, and really when I look deep down, they all scare the shit out of me. But the speach is all about regret and not wanting to die regretting not having known them better. To let the oppertunity slip away without even fighting for it.
Should they be reading this anytime soon, Happy Birthday Illya and Stef.
So Friday I decided to drink some coffee. Had had caffeine in about a month. Trying to lose weight and all. That shocked my system some, which brought on the idea to shock my system completely. Complete and utter loss of all comfort zones. So Friday turns into Saturday, which was had an awsome BESM D20 game with long lost friends. Then I went home, and can't remember when my head finally hit the pillow. It was some 38 hours awake though. Then sunday was D&D, and again no sleep for the weary. Oil light on the car came on Sunday as I was leaving. Didn't stay on, just a flicker. So yesterday I go to get the oil changed. No problems there. I get about 2 miles down the road when the car gets extremely hot, so I pull over and call Deans. Now I have no car, they have it for repairs. They took me to college. I finished up my day there and had to ride the bus home. Almost fell asleep in math, and missed windows admin completely. I got home around 4pm or there abouts. Maybe 3:30. Puttered around on the computer, caught myself falling asleep, so I drag my ass to bed for a two hour nap until dinner. That two hour napped turned into a 14 hours of heaven.
I dreamt of her again. She's always there, even when she isn't. My dreams have lost their details though. Brain has gotten fuzzy around the edges almost as if I'm viewing my dreams through thick distorted hazy glass. However, this one still has bits and pieces attached to it. More feelings than any real images, but we shared a bed. It had the feeling of being some military function, like one of those winter parties they like to have. We were there together, and of course the highlight being that we shared a bed. Not sexually, but the closeness and cuddling meant more. Of course that always means more. The beginning of a relationship is always much better than the middle or end. I believe I again gave her the speach. The same speach I plan on giving her in real life one day. I should just do it, but its hard to find the time, and really when I look deep down, they all scare the shit out of me. But the speach is all about regret and not wanting to die regretting not having known them better. To let the oppertunity slip away without even fighting for it.
Should they be reading this anytime soon, Happy Birthday Illya and Stef.