(no subject)
Freedom. What is it and why do I want it so badly. Five years of my life I gave away to the military. I handed them my life and my freedom and told them to do with me as they will, and they took full advandage of that. I couldn't complain, I had to take it as it was because that is what I agreed to fully. So I did my time waiting for the day when I would get my freedoms back only to find that I never really had them to begin with.
Fuck! It was all suppose to be so simple. I had a car and a motorcycle and a family to come back to that I had hoped would let me live in peace and quiet and allow me to slowly readjust to what it meant to be human again. Instead it feels like I'm being hounded day and night by those I love. Stop whatever you are doing and pay attention to me. What if I don't? They get upset and demand even more of my time to calm their hurt feelings. I love my family and my girlfriend I really do. Don't get me wrong. Its just that life was so much simpler and less complicated when I had the time at the end of the day drenched in solitude to contimplate everything. There are things that I just don't want to do right now. One of them is deal with humanity and everything that comes with it.
I'm perfectly happy just sitting here. Not leaving the house. Not dealing with people and the stupidity that comes with dealing with stupid people. I don't want to get a job, I had one, it caused me great misery. I wanted to pick up my life just as I left it, only now its changed in every way imaginable. Dawn says that I can go off and do whatever I want to do but then gets upset when I do. Like late night Denny's runs to just smoke and talk amoungst friends. She sets a curfew. She doesn't want to go, but she doesn't want to be left alone. How am I suppose to deal with that? It frustrates me to no ends. I give her free leave to go out and do whatever she wants to do. One of the best examples was I had to go to a seminar so I could get free schooling. It was early in the morning and I had no clue how long it would last. She wanted to go as well so we could go shopping afterwards for who knows what. So she insist upon going along, only to call me (and I hate cell phones and people who use them) in the middle of it disrupting the whole thing. Then gets horribly upset when it takes longer than she expected it to.
I've got so many things going on in my life. Unemployment wants me to make an honest search for a job when I don't want a job or expect to get one. Now they want me to come in to prove that I have been searching for a job. College isn't giving me credit for the classes that I've already completed. I have a car payment which is something that I've never had outside of my motorcycle which wasn't a problem because I always had more than enough money. I have insurance to pay. My parents are now making me pay for utilities which is something they would have been paying already on the house that they invited me to come live in again. How in the hell does the world expect me to get by? Dawn wants a job but can't get one so I'm supporting her as well. I don't know where half my money is going. Its not going into my pocket thats for sure. The Reserves are a giant foot up my ass when the last thing I want to think about is the military and what it wants from me. I'm stressed most of the time. I've started getting head aches. I'm not eating right and my health isn't doing all that well. I'm falling apart and I have no health insurance or dental insurance to fix the tooth the the fucking military fucked up. It feels like all the freedom that I want isn't there. None of it. Whats in it for me? Where is my fair share for giving away my life to fight for the country that couldn't care less about me.
Fuck! It was all suppose to be so simple. I had a car and a motorcycle and a family to come back to that I had hoped would let me live in peace and quiet and allow me to slowly readjust to what it meant to be human again. Instead it feels like I'm being hounded day and night by those I love. Stop whatever you are doing and pay attention to me. What if I don't? They get upset and demand even more of my time to calm their hurt feelings. I love my family and my girlfriend I really do. Don't get me wrong. Its just that life was so much simpler and less complicated when I had the time at the end of the day drenched in solitude to contimplate everything. There are things that I just don't want to do right now. One of them is deal with humanity and everything that comes with it.
I'm perfectly happy just sitting here. Not leaving the house. Not dealing with people and the stupidity that comes with dealing with stupid people. I don't want to get a job, I had one, it caused me great misery. I wanted to pick up my life just as I left it, only now its changed in every way imaginable. Dawn says that I can go off and do whatever I want to do but then gets upset when I do. Like late night Denny's runs to just smoke and talk amoungst friends. She sets a curfew. She doesn't want to go, but she doesn't want to be left alone. How am I suppose to deal with that? It frustrates me to no ends. I give her free leave to go out and do whatever she wants to do. One of the best examples was I had to go to a seminar so I could get free schooling. It was early in the morning and I had no clue how long it would last. She wanted to go as well so we could go shopping afterwards for who knows what. So she insist upon going along, only to call me (and I hate cell phones and people who use them) in the middle of it disrupting the whole thing. Then gets horribly upset when it takes longer than she expected it to.
I've got so many things going on in my life. Unemployment wants me to make an honest search for a job when I don't want a job or expect to get one. Now they want me to come in to prove that I have been searching for a job. College isn't giving me credit for the classes that I've already completed. I have a car payment which is something that I've never had outside of my motorcycle which wasn't a problem because I always had more than enough money. I have insurance to pay. My parents are now making me pay for utilities which is something they would have been paying already on the house that they invited me to come live in again. How in the hell does the world expect me to get by? Dawn wants a job but can't get one so I'm supporting her as well. I don't know where half my money is going. Its not going into my pocket thats for sure. The Reserves are a giant foot up my ass when the last thing I want to think about is the military and what it wants from me. I'm stressed most of the time. I've started getting head aches. I'm not eating right and my health isn't doing all that well. I'm falling apart and I have no health insurance or dental insurance to fix the tooth the the fucking military fucked up. It feels like all the freedom that I want isn't there. None of it. Whats in it for me? Where is my fair share for giving away my life to fight for the country that couldn't care less about me.