let the cigs burn holes in my heart then..........
kicked out of bonsal for a year...cant go back til september
tried to get into fallbrook high today...they wouldnt let me because im too far behind in credits
55 credits and im supposed to have 120 now
now i have to sign up for fucking ivy
i remeber how once upon a time i wanted to go to yale and
i suppose thats completely out of the picture anyway
so now i think ill either graduate with a sad diploma or ill drop out
go to cosmotology school
do my own hair enough
might as well learn to do it better
and maybe ill go to a piercing college for 6 months as well
requires little school afterall
there's not much left for me anyway
i want to be out on the road again
i want to get my licence and go
maybe during christmas or the summer
i want to learn to play the guitar so i can start my band
i need music
i live for it yet its killing me
i want to be in a band and if i learn to play then i can start one. Grostesque dollies
i know people who would be in it with me
this is my future
its not there
im fucking wasting away
cant truly let anyone in
wish i could
the people i did let in have no part in my life anymore
i just want to be free
i want to drown myself in drugs for the next couple of years until im 18
but i wont be that stupid
in the end i cnt drown out the pain
and who's to say
im quite a person huh?
vegan, virgin, 16 yrs old, never had a boyfriend, "freak", and ive lost myself completely
i dont know how to get it back
i can put on as much makeup, dye my hair as much as i want, pop an endless amount of pills, smoke until im in a hazy cloud, wear whatever i want,sleep deprive, sleep, and cut as much as i want but nothing will drown it out. my heart feels vapid and shallow and its weighing down my chest so much it just hurts. its the kind of pain that just sticks with you and doesnt leave. what is it? lonliness? somehow i dont think even having someone would get rid of it...not that i have anyone anyway. its the pain that makes it hard to breath.
i remeber a lot of things
now that im back it is all swarming back at me
bits and pieces like a slideshow
i remeber:
staying awake all weekend on the phone trying to keep colin talking so he didnt die because he kept popping all the pills he could find and he couldnt get out of the house
i remeber hanging out in the abandoned building with sofia, walter, matt, and evan
i remeber lighting up in the car with sofia and matt....two seater so sofia sat on my lap and we just drove...whereever?
fuck i just want to plunge a knife into my chest to get the pain to stop...to feel real pain...to feel alive
i remeber listening to one song over and over...just like im doing now
insanity
i remeber buying a pregnancy test for emily
i remeber laying in my room stroking my dogs head listening to music....dark room...bad music...one candle
straight week of being on something everyday and begging meisha for pills
the graveyard....peace
shana....beach....vintage sanctuary
sitting at home waiting for time to pass
the car.....arizona's bad driving....the malls....clepto..........................stealing everything.....cow tipping....hoping the fence....ripping pants.....sleeping in church parking lot...brittany breaking down becasue she missed her sister...felt bad....my brother.....they tried to kill themselves.......staying up all night everynight.....chris driving off with the car...the jail...hopeful glimpses...speaking through the doors at night when security wasnt around....vasaline............................love.....heartbreak....hot hot heat....mae....delirious road driving....traffic for hours....THE END
eyes a passageway to the soul
walmart bathrooms, portland, tangerine mints with light cigarettes, the sound of an acoustic.
yummmmmmmmm......i am in desperate need for a camel...i havent smoked in over 6 months
so where does this leave me now?
still argueing with my dad
still dont want to be here
still not enjoying my mum's company for very long
still wasting away my time
im watching my brother turn into my dad
he's throwing things and slamming things and breaking things almost daily and then next moment he's a sweet little angel....dont know how to comprehend this much
i think perhaps we are in purgatory?
"smiles are fathomless lies rooted with phycotic cries"
tried to get into fallbrook high today...they wouldnt let me because im too far behind in credits
55 credits and im supposed to have 120 now
now i have to sign up for fucking ivy
i remeber how once upon a time i wanted to go to yale and
i suppose thats completely out of the picture anyway
so now i think ill either graduate with a sad diploma or ill drop out
go to cosmotology school
do my own hair enough
might as well learn to do it better
and maybe ill go to a piercing college for 6 months as well
requires little school afterall
there's not much left for me anyway
i want to be out on the road again
i want to get my licence and go
maybe during christmas or the summer
i want to learn to play the guitar so i can start my band
i need music
i live for it yet its killing me
i want to be in a band and if i learn to play then i can start one. Grostesque dollies
i know people who would be in it with me
this is my future
its not there
im fucking wasting away
cant truly let anyone in
wish i could
the people i did let in have no part in my life anymore
i just want to be free
i want to drown myself in drugs for the next couple of years until im 18
but i wont be that stupid
in the end i cnt drown out the pain
and who's to say
im quite a person huh?
vegan, virgin, 16 yrs old, never had a boyfriend, "freak", and ive lost myself completely
i dont know how to get it back
i can put on as much makeup, dye my hair as much as i want, pop an endless amount of pills, smoke until im in a hazy cloud, wear whatever i want,sleep deprive, sleep, and cut as much as i want but nothing will drown it out. my heart feels vapid and shallow and its weighing down my chest so much it just hurts. its the kind of pain that just sticks with you and doesnt leave. what is it? lonliness? somehow i dont think even having someone would get rid of it...not that i have anyone anyway. its the pain that makes it hard to breath.
i remeber a lot of things
now that im back it is all swarming back at me
bits and pieces like a slideshow
i remeber:
staying awake all weekend on the phone trying to keep colin talking so he didnt die because he kept popping all the pills he could find and he couldnt get out of the house
i remeber hanging out in the abandoned building with sofia, walter, matt, and evan
i remeber lighting up in the car with sofia and matt....two seater so sofia sat on my lap and we just drove...whereever?
fuck i just want to plunge a knife into my chest to get the pain to stop...to feel real pain...to feel alive
i remeber listening to one song over and over...just like im doing now
insanity
i remeber buying a pregnancy test for emily
i remeber laying in my room stroking my dogs head listening to music....dark room...bad music...one candle
straight week of being on something everyday and begging meisha for pills
the graveyard....peace
shana....beach....vintage sanctuary
sitting at home waiting for time to pass
the car.....arizona's bad driving....the malls....clepto..........................stealing everything.....cow tipping....hoping the fence....ripping pants.....sleeping in church parking lot...brittany breaking down becasue she missed her sister...felt bad....my brother.....they tried to kill themselves.......staying up all night everynight.....chris driving off with the car...the jail...hopeful glimpses...speaking through the doors at night when security wasnt around....vasaline............................love.....heartbreak....hot hot heat....mae....delirious road driving....traffic for hours....THE END
eyes a passageway to the soul
walmart bathrooms, portland, tangerine mints with light cigarettes, the sound of an acoustic.
yummmmmmmmm......i am in desperate need for a camel...i havent smoked in over 6 months
so where does this leave me now?
still argueing with my dad
still dont want to be here
still not enjoying my mum's company for very long
still wasting away my time
im watching my brother turn into my dad
he's throwing things and slamming things and breaking things almost daily and then next moment he's a sweet little angel....dont know how to comprehend this much
i think perhaps we are in purgatory?
"smiles are fathomless lies rooted with phycotic cries"