Brain dumps count as therapy, right?
I am slowly going mad.
Given enough time alone, I will automatically reflect on the bad things in my life that are making me so.
I haven't gone to class in probably a week now. Every day this week, I just fell back asleep every morning and skipped class. I'm afraid that I've missed five arabic classes as of now, and my professor may/may not fail me for this. Knowing him, however, I would get a warning email giving me a chance to drop the class and take it again in the spring.
My mom's paycheck got cut by 5% and her stock option got taken away, so I'm going back to HCC in the spring. Talking to my parents about things the possibility of me staying at HCC through next fall to get my associate's has been discussed.
I am not in control of my own emotions, much less how they escape me. I'm pushing everyone away, and no matter how much I regret my actions nobody is listening. I can't really blame them, but it'd be nice to have support.
The worst thing running through my mind is the whole thing with Amanda. Sadly, yes, I am just as hopeless about this situation as I was a few months back. I think about how good things once were, and just feel completely shattered by how shocking it is that so recently I had something so good, that disappeared so fast. Then I look at how things ended, and I find myself confused, hurt, and upset. Which leads me to how she is handling things at present, and I'm left even more hurt and upset, not to mention jealous. I mean, I wish I could bring myself to the point she has hit, where I'm pretty much the last thing on her mind, and she is just living life. But I have nothing to take my mind off of things, since I can only see Brooks for like a day a week, if that, and when work is slow there's nothing happening.
I 100% regret the point my actions hit on sunday, and especially that I dragged other people into the depression my life is hitting. I realize that the things I'm facing are not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but given how poorly my brain is functioning these days, that message will never hit home no matter how much I am reminded of it and how much time I spend thinking about it. As previously stated I can only apologize so much, and just hope that my message is received. But at this point I know it's not; nobody is listening to me here either. Apparently nobody knows me as well as I thought too: medications aside, I had hoped that my close friends would realize just how screwed up my line of thought and rationale would have to be to sink as low and take what action I did. Plus, I'm not allowed alcohol for at least another few weeks, so that's another escape of mine taken away.
I hope this is read by the right people, and they talk to me about it soon.
I don't know how much of this I can take.
Given enough time alone, I will automatically reflect on the bad things in my life that are making me so.
I haven't gone to class in probably a week now. Every day this week, I just fell back asleep every morning and skipped class. I'm afraid that I've missed five arabic classes as of now, and my professor may/may not fail me for this. Knowing him, however, I would get a warning email giving me a chance to drop the class and take it again in the spring.
My mom's paycheck got cut by 5% and her stock option got taken away, so I'm going back to HCC in the spring. Talking to my parents about things the possibility of me staying at HCC through next fall to get my associate's has been discussed.
I am not in control of my own emotions, much less how they escape me. I'm pushing everyone away, and no matter how much I regret my actions nobody is listening. I can't really blame them, but it'd be nice to have support.
The worst thing running through my mind is the whole thing with Amanda. Sadly, yes, I am just as hopeless about this situation as I was a few months back. I think about how good things once were, and just feel completely shattered by how shocking it is that so recently I had something so good, that disappeared so fast. Then I look at how things ended, and I find myself confused, hurt, and upset. Which leads me to how she is handling things at present, and I'm left even more hurt and upset, not to mention jealous. I mean, I wish I could bring myself to the point she has hit, where I'm pretty much the last thing on her mind, and she is just living life. But I have nothing to take my mind off of things, since I can only see Brooks for like a day a week, if that, and when work is slow there's nothing happening.
I 100% regret the point my actions hit on sunday, and especially that I dragged other people into the depression my life is hitting. I realize that the things I'm facing are not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but given how poorly my brain is functioning these days, that message will never hit home no matter how much I am reminded of it and how much time I spend thinking about it. As previously stated I can only apologize so much, and just hope that my message is received. But at this point I know it's not; nobody is listening to me here either. Apparently nobody knows me as well as I thought too: medications aside, I had hoped that my close friends would realize just how screwed up my line of thought and rationale would have to be to sink as low and take what action I did. Plus, I'm not allowed alcohol for at least another few weeks, so that's another escape of mine taken away.
I hope this is read by the right people, and they talk to me about it soon.
I don't know how much of this I can take.