Fic: The Party That Wouldn’t End
Title: The Party That Wouldn’t End, or, A Story of Rescues and Revenge
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Ron/Hermione
Summary: A semi-crack!fic that... hell, I don't even know how to explain it.
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, I'm just making up stories for my own enjoyment.
A/N: I was going through all my old fanfic files and found this. Written sometime around November 2004. Probably one of the crackiest things I've ever written.
The Party That Wouldn’t End
or
A Story of Rescues and Revenge
“It has begun...”
All of the presents had been opened, all the food had been eaten, and all the drink had been drunk. Fred and George were definitely very drunk. Hermione looked happy, and Ron was certainly looking at her. In fact, he wouldn’t stop looking at her. Ginny noticed this and whispered something into Fred’s ear, who, in turn, whispered something into George’s ear. That’s when it all started…
Ginny walked down the stairs with a bounce in her step, announcing that she had an announcement to make. “I have an announcement to make,” she told the room. “Would everyone be so kind as to move into the living room?” As the Weasleys, and a few other miscellaneous friends and obscure relatives gathered in the living room, Ginny pulled Harry aside and whispered something in his ear. They went up the stairs as quietly as possible; all the while giggling conspiratorially, (Harry also had too much to drink). That’s when she set the ball rolling…
A few minutes after all this had taken place, the friends, family members, and obscure relatives began to get restless. Ginny chose this moment to reappear with yet another announcement. “As many of you may think, the presents have all been opened and displayed by our dear Hermione. However, there is still one left. Please forgive me, as it is a last minute gift, Hermione. That is all, now let the show begin!” She magically dimmed the lights, and as the friends, family members, and obscure relatives whispered to each other excitedly at the prospect of a show, Hermione had other thoughts. Not necessarily happy thoughts. That’s when the show began…
George entered the “stage” wearing what appeared to be a brown, bushy wig and a skirt. Hermione’s eyes widened in alarm. Ron put his head in his hands, knowing what was sure to come next. The rest of the audience was mixed between chuckling at George and looking around in confusion. Ginny took it all in stride. Harry came out next, wearing black robes and a ski mask over his face. He and George had a magnificent battle with Fred and George’s fake wands, yelling curses and hexes that did absolutely nothing owing to their slurring of the words. This battle lasted quite a long time, and Ginny finally stepped in and said, nudging Harry, “A few hours later…” Harry took the hint and shouted “Stupefy!” It came out as “Stufy” and George made a great show of falling in slow motion. As Harry/Death Eater advanced on George/Hermione, (very slowly, for dramatic effect), Fred jumped out, brandishing another fake wand and wearing one of Ron’s old maroon Christmas sweaters. Fred/Ron attacked Harry/Death Eater from behind and George/Hermione scrambled out of the way of the fierce, comical struggle. After many “almost”-punches and quite a few “sort of”-kicks, Fred/Ron tackled Harry/Death Eater and pinned him to the ground. The audience applauded the three boys. Hermione glared a glare that should have sent Ron into hiding, had he been guilty of the scene before them. Ron looked back at her with a look saying “I didn’t plan this, don’t blame me!” Fred and George bowed and Harry tried too, but passed out. Ginny walked out in front and proclaimed the end of Act I. Then she and George dragged Harry out of sight. That’s when Hermione got really angry…
As the friends, family, and obscure relatives went back to the kitchen for more drinks and food, Hermione pulled Ron into a closet, shoving her lighted wand into his face.
“Hermione, this isn’t my fault,” he proclaimed hurriedly. Hermione’s icy glare softened into more of a snowy glare. Ron almost sighed in relief but thought better of it. A glare was still a glare after all.
Hermione then lied, “I wasn’t going to say it was your fault, Ron.” Ron looked back at her skeptically.
“So why then did you drag me off into a closet? Trying to snog me senseless, are you?” He asked her with his trademark lopsided grin. Hermione whacked him with a towel that had been hanging on a nail in the wall.
“No, you intolerable git! We need to get back at them!”
“And how, may I ask, are we going to manage that? Anyway, what if I don’t want to help you?”
“I have a plan. And you’re going to help me because you know what happens next in that story they’re reenacting. And I don’t think you want everyone to see that, do you?” Hermione said with a wickedly sweet smile.
“Hermione, this is insane. I’ll listen to your plan but if I don’t like it, I’m leaving. I don’t care that much about everyone knowing.”
“Fine, now listen…”
And that’s when they concocted a plan of revenge…
Ginny walked into the kitchen, prepared to announce the second act but something stopped her. That something was the fact that her brother and the birthday girl herself were missing from the group of friends, family, and obscure relatives. She had just given up searching when Ron tried to walk toward the stairs without being noticed. The grin on his face was purely wicked and evil. Well, that’s never good, Ginny thought, almost ready to call off the rest of the performance. Then an uncontrollable urge to grin wickedly and evilly came over her as she skipped back to Fred and George’s room, where the cast was waiting. That’s when the plans all changed…
Harry, having been revived, sat in a chair watching Fred, who was tinkering with something or other on the workbench. George was standing between the door and a bed. Ginny practically bounced into the room, swing the door open wide and knocking George onto the bed where he promptly passed out. Ginny revived him with a wave of her wand and said “The plan has changed. Ron and Hermione have some sort of diabolical plot in mind to get back at us. You know what that means, right boys?” Fred and George had identical blank looks plastered on their faces while Harry had a confused one plastered to his. “Oh, come on, you can’t be that pathetic,” Ginny exclaimed as she sat in the chair opposite Harry. “We have to give our audience a good laugh, while still pleasing our lovely birthday girl. We have to improvise a little. We have to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!” Harry was startled, Fred was unnerved, and George was positively frightened. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. What I meant to say was, we have to be more subtle, more sneaky. So here’s what we’re going to do…” Her voice had lowered considerably and the three boys leaned in to hear her. After George and Harry knocked their heads together quite loudly, Ginny decided it was best left to Fred to continue the narrative. And that’s when the plot thickened…
Hermione gathered the supplies needed from the closet Ron had left her in. Ron meanwhile was gathering supplies from both his and Ginny’s bedrooms. They met back in the closet five minutes later. “Okay, ‘Mione, here’s Ginny’s diary, her stuffed hippogriff, and some letters from this summer. What’ve you got?”
Hermione blushed at the use of his pet name for her and said, “I got a few mops, buckets, and Fred and George’s Fake Vomit. Did you get anything from their room?”
“No, that’s where Ginny and the others are meeting. I tried listening at the door but I think Ginny charmed it. I did get a few new products that Fred sent me a couple of weeks ago. Now, what exactly are we going to do with this stuff?”
“You’ll see. Now follow me.”
And as they left the closet, Ginny appeared beside them.
“Hello, Hermione, Ron. What are you doing in a closet? Never mind, I wanted to show you something. First though, can you tell me where my old stuffed hippogriff is? I can’t seem to find it anywhere. By the way, did anyone ever tell you how well you complement each other?” And with that, Ginny ran off into the kitchen to assemble the friends, family, and obscure relatives.
That’s when the plot really thickened…
“I now present to you the Second Act of this production, entitled ‘Ron and Hermi-‘”
“But I first present to you, the intermission entertainment, entitled ‘Fred and George’s Run-In with Filch and Snape,’” said Hermione, interrupting Ginny with a grin. The lights dimmed again, Ginny looked at Hermione in dismay, and the friends, family, and obscure relatives clapped enthusiastically. Hermione whispered something in Ginny’s ear and she ran up the stairs, presumably to tell her cast what had just been told to her. Hermione then started reading a letter,
“Dearest Brother Ron,
We bequeath to you our newest invention, the Super-Sticky-Extra-Slippery-Go-Anywhere Puddle. You can stick it anywhere you like, a wall, a desk, the floor, wherever. It’ll stick anywhere and anyone who touches it will just slide off, hence the name. This invention is from way back in our school days; almost two weeks ago. We figured the best person to test it on was Filch and blimey, it worked great. He was carrying a bottle of our old Fake Vomit at the time, and he didn’t take the time to notice the puddle in front of Snape’s dungeon. So, of course, he slipped and spilled the vomit everywhere. You know how it’s charmed to smell, and stick, and harden after a while? Well, when it touched the puddle, it became Super-Sticky-Extra-Slippery-Go-Anywhere-Fake Vomit. It was a real mess, especially when Snape himself came out and landed in the puddle. We had wanted to test the stuff on Umbridge but ever since her Imbecile Squad started following her around, we hadn’t gotten a chance to get close to her. Not that we really wanted to get near that old toad but it was our duty! Filch almost saw us hiding behind…”
Ron was acting out everything Hermione was saying, complete with puddles, vomit, and all. Little did he know that Ginny was planning something horrid just above his head. That’s about the time they thought they got revenge…
Ginny hurried downstairs just as Hermione and Ron were wrapping up their performance. Ron saw the look on his sister’s face and immediately demanded that she tell him what she was up to. Ginny smiled, Ron frowned, and the friends, family, and obscure relatives clapped, completely unaware what was going on behind the kitchen door.
“Ginny, wait. Please don’t do what I think you’re going to do. I’ll do any--, well, I’ll do almost anything, just please don’t continue your play,” Ron begged her. “What do you want me to do? I’ll do your chores for a month. No, wait, not a month… A week? Two weeks? Fine, a month? Please, Ginny, what do you want?” Ginny watched him with a thoughtful look on her face.
“Ron, you know why I did this don’t you?”
Ron nodded.
“It’s the only way you and Hermione would ever get together. Or so I thought. But, now that you’re begging… I have another idea. You have to admit to Hermione that you’re in love with her. That’s it. Not even in front of anyone. You two are perfect for each other, Ron, please do this!”
Ron’s eyes widened. Ginny clapped him on the back and said “You’ll be fine, Ron. Hermione’s waiting for you in my room.” Then she skipped through the door and told the friends, family, and obscure relatives that the rest of the play had been cancelled, due to the condition of the actors. Ron walked slowly up the stairs. His feet felt like they were full of lead. His heart was beating so fast he thought he might have a heart attack. His palms were sweaty. His breath caught in his throat as his hand clasped the door handle. He slowly, oh so slowly, pushed the door open to find Hermione sitting on her cot staring out the window, apparently lost in thought. He stepped into the room. Hermione turned to look at him. The door closed behind him. When they finally came out an hour later, they both had very silly grins on their faces.
And that’s the happy ending.
The End