When You’re Gone (Take Me Back to When I Used to Be Me) | Lukai
When You’re Gone (Take Me Back to When I Used to Be Me)
Luhan/Kai ; nc-17 (for mentions of killing and blood) ; 3949 words
kai is a murderer escaping the law. luhan is merely a fellow colleague he meets. he finds humanity in the innocent eyes of a boy but loses himself in stupidity and doubt.
The surface of an iceberg is like the conscious and unconscious mind of a person. Visible portions, the tip of the berg, are easily noticed, easily seen. Yet, their true shape depends much on the areas you cannot see, the parts that are under the water, hidden and sheltered. Our conscious mind is open for others to pick at, us included, but our unconscious mind is closed. It's these dark, semi-invisible areas that are the most vulnerable to attack.
It is also the most dangerous.
The first time Kai kills is because he is curious.
Death piques his interest simply because he is a rash, foolish young teenager, like all the others. Unfortunately, unlike them, he decides to put his morbid thoughts into action.
He tries it a day before he leaves for the city.
Victim One is a boy by the name of Do Kyungsoo. He is a year older than him and lives a couple a streets away in a lonesome, decrepit home. He is your typical introvert, shy and afraid of crowds. Kai sees him alone half the time, which makes him an easier kill. He doesn’t have to worry about anyone else coming between them. Apparently he has family issues too, not that Kai cares about it
He just wants a decent kill
Kai strikes in the evening of his departure, ready and waiting in the shadows after days of observing his adorable little victim. Kyungsoo, sadly, did not struggle as much as Kai had hoped he would. Instead, the boy stares into his killer's eyes with an unwavering gaze of defiance.
His eyes are a little too large, the whites a little too bright. Yet that makes it all the more exhilarating as he watches the light fade from his victim's eyes, unblinking, taking away Kyungsoo’s last with a small Swiss Army knife in the darkness of an alleyway
A simple slit to the throat does the trick. Blood trickles down his gloved hand in rivulets, staining them a lovely red. Casually, he studies the red stains already soaking into his glove. Such a lovely colour, he thinks, but I will be a needing a new glove it seems.
Kai darts out of the alleyway, discarding any evidence. This power he never knew intoxicates him. He feels invincible. The kill has unlocked a secret chamber, opening a floodgate of hidden power: a power to play with life and to dictate it as he will.
He loves it.
No one ever figured out who it was. All they found was a bleeding body, cold in death, sprawled on the muddy gravel, eyes wide open.
The second time Kai kills is because of vengeance
Their family barely settles down for a couple of months before his younger brother comes home with empty eyes and a broken soul. His parents are horrified after finding out that their own son has been bullied and raped by a senior at their high school.
Watching his young brother crumble day by day, Kai could not help but boil in anger silently. He allows what little emotion he still feels to take over him and carefully schemes his way to carry out his revenge on the person that has caused his brother misery.
This victim is a harder kill but just as exciting, perhaps even more so. Maybe it’s because this time, he is killing with a goal in mind; he wants to hurt and cause pain. He wants this person to suffer the same pain that his brother had to suffer. All at once
Kris Wu is tall, blonde and filthy rich, exactly the type of person that Kai tends to hate. This is mostly due to the fact that he has never had any good encounters with rich teenagers; most of them end up as stuck-up, haughty heirs of large companies which they later bring to the ground by their own incapable hands. Kris is a perfect example. He looks down on his fellow schoolmates, and manipulates the little friends he has just because he has a lot of cash to spare.
No one will miss him, Kai concludes as he waited for his victim one quiet afternoon in a deserted corridor leading to the school building.
His target comes through here every day, he notices, because this corridor is a direct exit to the back of the school, which Kris frequents. For whatever reason, Kai has no interest in finding out, but it makes things a lot easier.
The muffled scream when Kai pulls him into a janitor’s closet is unheard as with the kicking and the struggling. Even though Kris is at least a couple centimetres taller than Kai is, Kai has no problems trying to stop his crude attacks of defending himself.
There is fear in Kris eyes, and Kai realises that, hmm, this is something he will enjoy - injecting fear into people
Kris has the audacity to question why Kai would want to do to him. Kai merely smirks in response, before pulling Kris towards his face and hisses a name into his ear.
“Taemin.”
Just that one word and Kris knows that he is going to die.
One of the cleaners discovers Kris Wu in the morning, school tie wound tightly around his neck. One of his arms is twisted into a disturbing position, his legs smashed and splintered.
Kai disappears and his parents will never know where he went.
The third time Kai kills is because he is bored
His third kill is a pretty-looking boy around his age. He is petite but very charming. There is no denying that this lad might have been a lady’s man if he tried, but he is more attracted to males so there was no chance of that happening.
Byun Baekhyun may have been the most unfortunate soul in the world to be chosen by him. Kai notices him in a café reading a book. There is no particular reason; the thought of ruining a pretty face suffices.
Instead of the usual ambush, Kai tries a new tactic. This time, he attempts to get to know this victim a little first, get closer to him and then strike. So Kai decides to enter the café and introduce himself to this good-looking stranger by treating him to a latte.
Baekhyun is too welcoming and lets his guard down too quickly. Kai is a stranger to him, yet he willingly pours his life story out to him. In about an hour, Kai finds out that Baekhyun is a sophomore at the Korea National University of the Arts, majoring in Vocal Music. Baekhyun also has an unrequited crush on his best friend Chanyeol who refuses to see him as anything more than a best friend, maybe because there is a high possibility that Chanyeol is straight
Even though Kai appears to be totally interested and nods his head constantly in acknowledgement, he isn’t actually listening. His mind wanders and imagines how the red of the blood will paint the skin of the pretty victim in front of him and he almost shivers with the glee of creating a new masterpiece. This may just be his best work yet.
A cute blonde waiter with large eyes arrives to hand them the bill and Kai bids his new found ‘friend’ goodbye, with promises of calling after exchanging numbers.
Three nights later he asks Baekhyun out for a dinner and movie, under the pretext of being friends. Baekhyun agrees readily.
When the dinner and movie is over, they take a stroll through the park, talking and chattering about unimportant things. Baekhyun is especially talkative that night and Kai decidea to give him that privilege to keep talking. After all, he isn’t going to be able to talk for a long time, not after what he is about to do.
Softly, Kai pulls Baekhyun in for a kiss. But Baekhyun’s lips barely meets Kai’s before the strong, cloying smell of chloroform enters his nose and he collapses back in a dead faint.
An hour later, Kai watches Baekhyun stir awake and try to make sense of what is happening with the blind fold around his eyes. As Kai speaks, Baekhyun recognises his voice and asks him for help.
“You have such a pretty face.”
“You will be a lovely piece of work.” He whispers into Baekhyun’s ears as his victim catches on and starts quaking uncontrollably. Unsheathing a new knife, he traces the outline of Baekhyun’s cheek bones as he trembles even harder.
“Shhh, Baekhyun. Don’t move - you will ruin my masterpiece.”
The front of the navy blindfold has now become completely soaked with Baekhyun’s frightened tears as Kai cuts into his pale, flawless skin.
“I’m sorry you can’t find love.” Kai says, tone casual and completely unapologetic. “Good night.”
Painful cries tear through the silence of the park but no one hears… and no one helps.
The next day, there is a news report of a nineteen year old boy’s body found in a secluded corner of the central park. Different patterns are traced and cut into the boy’s body, a most unusual kill. No one could find out who has done it because the murders are too random, too strange. None of them link together and the police are at a dead end because they cannot even name a suspect.
Kai is smart and gets away scot free yet again.
Kai finds himself back at the Café where he met Baekhyun because it sells one of the best lattes he has ever had. Pasted on the glass door however is a new sign. Now hiring: new Barista. Inquire at counter if interested.
He wonders whether he ought to try out for the job. Lately he has been rather short on cash. He can’t live on spare change and small notes alone, not for long anyway
The familiar aroma of roasted coffee beans waft into his nose when Kai pushes open the door to the shop. That cute blonde waiter he saw last time rushes up to him when he enters and offers to show him to a seat
“Oh, I’m actually asking about your new spot. According to that sign out there you are hiring..?” Kai says, smiling. He looks completely harmless.
Realisation dawns and the boy leads him to the counter.
After half an hour and a successful interview later, Kai lands a job as the Café’s new barista.
The next morning he makes his way to the café and sees the blonde setting up the shop in preparation for the customers.
Kai realises that the blonde is extremely attractive. The soft glow of the morning accentuates a pretty profile and distinct features. He has gentle eyes and mannerisms and is altogether too sweet for his liking
Blonde Doe-Eyes introduces himself as Luhan, an exchange student from China studying in Korea. He also jumps at the chance to teach his skills to a newfound student when the manager suggests it. Kai can’t really protest because he does have to learn his way around the place.
It seems that Kai has no talent with latte art. He has no problem manoeuvring his way with a knife; he has no problems with brewing the coffee or using the machine either. But he definitely has problems drawing a leaf on top of a cup of espresso.
On the other hand, Luhan is extremely adept at it, drawing intricate designs on top of the foam and serving customers pretty cups of coffee.
At the end of the day Kai gives up on latte art and strikes a deal with Luhan.
“You do the art, and I will make the coffee.”
Luhan has no problems with it and Kai is extremely thankful that he doesn’t have to handle another canvas of coffee topped with cream again
They become fast friends. Completely opposites of each other, they squabble constantly over petty issues in the café. Kai actually enjoys himself at the café, with Luhan as his friend.
However, he feels a nagging feeling of loss. He hasn’t found a new target in ages. He misses the joy of killing.
One night he tries again. He must get himself back in the game. He picks up a prostitute on the streets and lures the unlucky girl in. It’s a usual alleyway job, but this time he isn’t as careful
As his knife digs and slices into her body, as he allows the blood to stain his clothes, he doesn’t notice a small figure on the open road staring at him in horror before darting away.
Of course, Kai is extremely surprised when Luhan brings it up. He had not even noticed that someone had seen him. The knife next to them on the counter taunts and mocks him when they talk in the storage room of the cafe. There is the urge to take it up and stab this beautiful boy in front of him, just to get rid of the witness.
“So, Kai you are a murderer.&rdquo
“Yes” Kai grits, fists tightening. Should I kill him too?
“So are you going to kill me for finding out?&rdquo
Luhan’s expression is sickeningly sweet. His face is in his permanent smile, eyes still gleaming with amusement. It seems more like a child asking for a new puppy, than a person asking whether he is going to be murdered
But behind those words, Kai hears a sick yearning.
“… No.&rdquo
“Why?” Luhan presses. “Aren’t you afraid that I will tell on you?”
Yes, why aren’t you killing him? “I don’t know.” Kai turns away, leaving the question unanswered, hanging in the air. Maybe I want you to live.
Days pass, weeks follow. There are no policemen chasing after him, no news report in the media from anonymous tipper. Kai breathes easier.
Luhan accepts him into his life quickly, too fast for Kai to adjust. But Luhan grows on him, even with all his annoyingly sweet antics that throw him off every time
For some reason or other, Kai still hasn’t killed him. It has been a month since Luhan found out about his secret. And yet he is still keeping him alive. He does not understand his own motives of allowing Luhan to live
What is more surprising is the fact that Luhan seems to have stuck himself even closer to him ever since Kai confirmed that he is indeed a wanted man.
Luhan has offered him to stay in a spare room at his apartment two weeks ago and he agrees, to Kai’s own surprise and chagrin. He then reasons with himself that he agreed because he has nowhere to stay.
Living with Luhan is undeniably enjoyable. This is mostly due to the fact that Luhan does everything for him because it is in his nature to be nice. He cooks, cleans and even helps do Kai’s laundry when he finds it’s been piling up a little too much.
Kai can’t help but trust this boy. He starts telling him everything. That his name isn't actually Kai, but Kim Jongin. That he has two dogs, a brother and family somewhere in Seoul. He tells him about his first kill, his second and his third.
It is one of their usual nights, they are having dinner and Kai decides to bring up one topic he has always worried about
“Why do you live with me?”
“What?” Luhan looks up from his spaghetti, noodles trailing from his open mouth.
“Why do you live with me, knowing I’m a murderer?”
Luhan smiles and swallow his mouthful of food. “You’re decent.”
“You are not afraid..?”
“What is there to be afraid of? If you do end up killing me, I can’t really do anything to stop you, can I? I’m not scared of death. After all, Dumbledore once said, ‘Death is but the next great adventure.’ ”
There is a twinkle in his eye as he says it, and Kai says nothing because he doesn’t know how to answer.
Kai does not complain when Luhan joins him in bed one cold, thundering night. The warmth of Luhan’s arm and body is comforting and he likes it.
But he doesn’t know why.
These nightly visits become more frequent. Innocent cuddles evolve into purposeful caresses. When Luhan kisses him, whispering “Jongin”, Kai does not hold back
Luhan whispers the three words to him that night, and Kai returns them.
The dreams begin 3 weeks later.
Every night he dreams of a cute blonde boy hovering over him, grinning down at him, kissing him, before the police thunders through the door and drags him away in handcuffs. Luhan smirks at him in victory.
Or he dreams of Luhan killing him instead.
He wakes up in terror daily, panting and afraid. Luhan is always next to him, jolted awake by his nightmares. Luhan tries to ask him what’s wrong but Kai decides that this was something he cannot tell.
It makes sense that Luhan will want to get him thrown into jail. After all, he is a murderer. Maybe Luhan never wanted him in the first place. Maybe he never believed him. Maybe everything so far has been a ploy to keep him close so that it is easier for him to strike, so that Kai can get out of his life much faster. These doubts manifest in Kai's mind, taking root. Before long, Kai believes it was all an elaborate lie. The hugs, the kisses, even the sex, everything that they enjoyed together, must have all been a scheme. Luhan is playing with him like how Kai plays with his victims. Because no one can be that nice for no reason.
From then on, he is unable to look at Luhan the same way again. Everything the other does makes Kai suspicious. When Luhan cooks and works in the cafe, he starts to suspect whether there might be poison in the food he is eating. When Luhan is on the phone, he starts to wonder whether he was giving clues to the police about his whereabouts. When they cuddle at night he starts worrying whether Luhan might get a knife and stab him.
One night Luhan tries to kiss him and he flinches away. Things change from there.
He retreats back into his shell, he refuses to open up. Nothing Luhan does can draw him out.
They don’t sleep together anymore; they barely even talk. Work hours are rearranged and Kai takes the night shift. Meals are eaten together in silence but gradually, even that disappears.
Luhan is on the phone more frequently as Christmas nears. Kai is almost certain the people he is talking to are the police. He needs to strike first before the other makes his move. Luhan knows too much. Far too much.
It’s a cold day in mid-December when Kai calls him up to the rooftop, wanting to talk. Luhan responds as quickly as he did when they first met.
“Jongin, why’d you want to meet me here for?” Luhan asks tightening his scarf around him, breaths coming out in little white puffs
Kai says nothing and merely pulls him into a hug, breathing into his hair. Can’t have him realising what I’m going to do. The familiar scent of strawberries enters his nose. He misses holding him like this. He misses the times when they used to do everything together. He misses the warm nights when they would cuddle. He also misses the nights when he makes Luhan moan into his pillow as they move together
He almost wants to stop killing him
“You know, if you wanted to hug me, we could have done it somewhere warmer.” Luhan chuckles but snuggles into his shoulder. “I missed you.” The last part is whispered.
“Luhan, would you ever do anything against me?” Kai asks, as he strokes the small of Luhan’s back.
Luhan pulls away from the hug and looks him directly in the eye. “I will never.”
Liar
“That’s good.” Kai pulls away Luhan’s scarf as he moves in for a kiss, his body weight pushing into the others until his back hits the walls of the roof. As they kiss, Kai feels Luhan smile and wrap his arms round his neck.
Do it soon, he tells himself.
But he doesn’t want to stop, not now. Not when the moment felt so perfect and he realises that, yes, he does still feel love in his heart.
But no, this is all a lie. Luhan is a lie. He is the one pulling at his strings, leading him in. Kai is smart. He isn’t going to be lead any further
This little puppy with doe-like eyes knows too much. He is dangerous.
Kai pulls away and he pushes just as Luhan whispers “I love you” into his ear.
Like strings cut from a puppet, Kai watches Luhan flip over the wall, body arching backwards in a free fall. Luhan's eyes are wide with surprise and confusion as they meet his own dark horrified ones
Luhan closes his eyes and laughs. He spreads his arms and flies, ready to embrace the stone pavement that will meet him in death.
Luhan’s last three words echo in his ears. I love you
What made you think he wanted to kill you, Kim Jongin?
The regret crashes into him like the waves of an ocean. As if in mockery, his body moves involuntarily, throwing him against the barrier. His fingers are outstretched to catch some part of Luhan, but he is falling too fast. He is too late.
People scream as Luhan's body hits the pavement with a definite crash. Crimson blood covers the gravel, the red painting the pavement like a gruesome piece of artwork. A crowd gathers instantly, surrounding the body.
People below him look up and start to point at the figure on top of the roof. Kai continues to stare at them, eyes lifeless, body stiff, without any thought of escaping before someone found him. Behind him, there was a scuttle of footsteps. The door to the roof opens and out pour five or six men donning navy blue suits, the protectors of the city.
Even then, Kai never takes his eyes off the broken body lying on the pavement. When the police question him about Luhan's death, accuse him of murder, Kai merely nods mutely
The feeling of the handcuffs, cold against his wrists awakens him as the police lead him away
They walk past the site of Luhan's fall. Kai squirms in his captive's hold, trying to get closer. The police try to keep their grip on him, but he fights and resists. The crowd's murmurings became louder as he steps into the cold blood that soaks into the heel of his leather boots and stares into the face of the one he supposedly loves. The blood felt redder then it did from above. It was just as stunningly beautiful as when he killed Do Kyungsoo and Byun Baekhyun. But this time, there is no joy.
The rest of the body is mangled, but Luhan's beautiful face remains perfect, frozen in a ghostly smile.
A smile Kai realises he has fallen for, yearned for and ended.
The fourth time Kai kills is because he is stupid
5 months later, in a dingy, musty old cell, the prison wardens discover a body hanging from the wooden rafters.
He is smiling too.
The last time Kai kills is because he was gone.
a/n: well i hope you guys like this? :>
dedicated t xianyun, here's your belated birthday fic!! don't kill me please?
and thank yo pureaspaper or helping me beta.
and als seadiffraction or your help with smoothing out the plot.
YOU GUYS \o/
comment neh? ;; thank you!