(no subject)
God, I'm fucking homicidal.
I'm sorry, I know my anger is terrifying, but you'd be pissed too if your friends talked shit on you and half of them ignored you.
I just.. I feel really FUCKING alone right now and I hate feeling alone because it makes me feel like a freak and I don't NEED to feel like a freak.
And it's been really hard to fight the urge to cut over the past couple of days and I'm getting scared that I'm gonna break down and do it, and like, part of me really wants to, and part of me doesn't, and fuck, I'm sure there's some people who are gonna just ignore my request to not comment on this part of the entry and comment anyways, just to tell me how stupid I'm being and how I just need to grow up and snap out of it and maybe I do but I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
You can comment on the rest of this entry.
So about two weeks ago someone made a post that offended me, because I felt like he was directly attacking me [We'd been talking about something and he mentioned somebody who he doesn't like and I asked him not to talk shit on that person and he blew up at me and then made a post asking all his friends not to mention the person he doesn't like.. he made said post RIGHT after our IM conversation was finished], so I commented telling him I was offended and I got called a fucking hypocrite because I'm always talking about how I can post what I want in my LJ. FIRST of all, I never said he couldn't post what he posted. You can post what you want, but I reserve the right to get offended. Similarly, if I post something that offends you, I fully expect you to comment saying that I've offended you. THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIVEJOURNAL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE EVERYTHING THAT EVERYONE POSTS. But that drama made me feel like shit..
And I don't even know why I feel like shit because that drama happened two weeks ago, and I don't even know why I'm so angry, because I know I have no right to get angry.. but.. GAH FUCK!
I'm sorry I'm not always happy, and I'm sorry I can be a drama queen at times, and I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite, and I'm sorry I got so excited over seeing Clay, and I'm sorry that nobody cares about how much I like him, and I'm sorry I freaked out over the summer, and I'm sorry I'm in Wichita and not Lawrence, and I'm sorry I can't hold a job, or even GET one for that matter, and I'm sorry I'm probably gonna wind up some dumb crackwhore welfare mother, and do I need to go on medication? No, wait, I can't. Why? Because I'm 18 and not a student and therefore I have no health insurance. God, what the fuck is wrong with me? It doesn't matter that I didn't have the money to go to KU, I should have gone anyways.. and maybe I'm just being a melodramatic drama queen, but I don't fucking care. You know what? I'm sorry that I'm a melodramatic drama queen. I'm sorry that I have a cold and therefore don't feel like doing much. Stephanie got over her cold in two days, I should have been able to as well. I'm sorry I'm not attractive and I'm sorry I'm fat and I'm sorry that I have so many scars on my arms and legs and so there's a lot of clothes I can't wear.
I just want to be happy all the time. I mean, generally, I'm a happy person, but I get like this and I don't ever wanna get like this. I don't wanna get depressed, and I don't wanna feel like shit, and I don't want to have urges to cut, and I just.. I wanna be the stereotypical teenager? You know? I mean, I know this isn't who I am, but sometimes, I wanna be that girl that everyone loves. I wanna be that girl who's amazingly beautiful and thin and has the perfect boyfriend and makes straight A's and can wear whatever she wants because she doesn't have scars all over her body. I wanna be the girl who listens to the right music, watches the right shows, likes the right movies, does everything right.
But no, I listen to punk rock and Clay Aiken, I watch Degrassi and American Idol and Charmed and Joan of Arcadia, I like Harry Potter for crying out loud.. I'm the big fat loser who people pretend to like, but talk about how much of a freak she is once she's left the room.
I've just been thinking all summer that maybe I'm just meant to be alone. I mean, people live their lives alone, right? Almost all of my friends are already engaged, and I'm the loser who's only had three boyfriends her entire life, only one of which was serious. And I'm the loser who's completely in love with a guy who couldn't care less about her, and is already engaged to a dear friend of hers. And I can't just leave him alone.. I took him off my buddy list and I couldn't keep him off, I had to put him back on. And I could die and I really don't think he would care. And that's not me being a drama queen, that's the truth right there.
I just really feel like shit right now, and I'm sorry to make you all have to deal with it too, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. I'm sorry. I'm going to bed now.
I'm sorry, I know my anger is terrifying, but you'd be pissed too if your friends talked shit on you and half of them ignored you.
I just.. I feel really FUCKING alone right now and I hate feeling alone because it makes me feel like a freak and I don't NEED to feel like a freak.
And it's been really hard to fight the urge to cut over the past couple of days and I'm getting scared that I'm gonna break down and do it, and like, part of me really wants to, and part of me doesn't, and fuck, I'm sure there's some people who are gonna just ignore my request to not comment on this part of the entry and comment anyways, just to tell me how stupid I'm being and how I just need to grow up and snap out of it and maybe I do but I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
You can comment on the rest of this entry.
So about two weeks ago someone made a post that offended me, because I felt like he was directly attacking me [We'd been talking about something and he mentioned somebody who he doesn't like and I asked him not to talk shit on that person and he blew up at me and then made a post asking all his friends not to mention the person he doesn't like.. he made said post RIGHT after our IM conversation was finished], so I commented telling him I was offended and I got called a fucking hypocrite because I'm always talking about how I can post what I want in my LJ. FIRST of all, I never said he couldn't post what he posted. You can post what you want, but I reserve the right to get offended. Similarly, if I post something that offends you, I fully expect you to comment saying that I've offended you. THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIVEJOURNAL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE EVERYTHING THAT EVERYONE POSTS. But that drama made me feel like shit..
And I don't even know why I feel like shit because that drama happened two weeks ago, and I don't even know why I'm so angry, because I know I have no right to get angry.. but.. GAH FUCK!
I'm sorry I'm not always happy, and I'm sorry I can be a drama queen at times, and I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite, and I'm sorry I got so excited over seeing Clay, and I'm sorry that nobody cares about how much I like him, and I'm sorry I freaked out over the summer, and I'm sorry I'm in Wichita and not Lawrence, and I'm sorry I can't hold a job, or even GET one for that matter, and I'm sorry I'm probably gonna wind up some dumb crackwhore welfare mother, and do I need to go on medication? No, wait, I can't. Why? Because I'm 18 and not a student and therefore I have no health insurance. God, what the fuck is wrong with me? It doesn't matter that I didn't have the money to go to KU, I should have gone anyways.. and maybe I'm just being a melodramatic drama queen, but I don't fucking care. You know what? I'm sorry that I'm a melodramatic drama queen. I'm sorry that I have a cold and therefore don't feel like doing much. Stephanie got over her cold in two days, I should have been able to as well. I'm sorry I'm not attractive and I'm sorry I'm fat and I'm sorry that I have so many scars on my arms and legs and so there's a lot of clothes I can't wear.
I just want to be happy all the time. I mean, generally, I'm a happy person, but I get like this and I don't ever wanna get like this. I don't wanna get depressed, and I don't wanna feel like shit, and I don't want to have urges to cut, and I just.. I wanna be the stereotypical teenager? You know? I mean, I know this isn't who I am, but sometimes, I wanna be that girl that everyone loves. I wanna be that girl who's amazingly beautiful and thin and has the perfect boyfriend and makes straight A's and can wear whatever she wants because she doesn't have scars all over her body. I wanna be the girl who listens to the right music, watches the right shows, likes the right movies, does everything right.
But no, I listen to punk rock and Clay Aiken, I watch Degrassi and American Idol and Charmed and Joan of Arcadia, I like Harry Potter for crying out loud.. I'm the big fat loser who people pretend to like, but talk about how much of a freak she is once she's left the room.
I've just been thinking all summer that maybe I'm just meant to be alone. I mean, people live their lives alone, right? Almost all of my friends are already engaged, and I'm the loser who's only had three boyfriends her entire life, only one of which was serious. And I'm the loser who's completely in love with a guy who couldn't care less about her, and is already engaged to a dear friend of hers. And I can't just leave him alone.. I took him off my buddy list and I couldn't keep him off, I had to put him back on. And I could die and I really don't think he would care. And that's not me being a drama queen, that's the truth right there.
I just really feel like shit right now, and I'm sorry to make you all have to deal with it too, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. I'm sorry. I'm going to bed now.