Dad
Two years ago today was the last day of my father's life. Sad and weird, weird and sad. Time stretches and buckles and it feels like longer and also like no time at all. I miss him every day, but he gets more and more remote. I remember him clearly, but the feeling of what it was like to have a dad is no longer natural. On the bright side, it doesn't feel so much like a gaping hole in my life anymore, but I kind of wish it did.
I feel like a bad person for saying this, but I don't know if I would necessarily change things to have him back again. A lot of good has happened-- for instance, my mother's become much less narrow-minded. She's given up her childhood programming and limitations and is finally learning that there are other options out there, and in the process, she's finally accepted her children in all their complications and forgiven us for not being the compliant Christian automatons she used to want. I got to see my grandfather three weeks before he died. I got to reconnect with my family. None of that would have happened if my dad hadn't died.
At the same time, I am keenly aware, especially now, of how much I want my dad's advice. My life is exploding in directions I never imagined and don't know how to handle. My dad always kept me level. Would he be proud of what I'm doing now? Would he approve of the direction in which my life is going? Would he approve of the new directions in which I want to take it? I don't know. And even if I do, I need to hear it. I've been trying to make my dad proud of me my whole life. I need to free myself from the fear that he won't be.
Mew. I love you, dadzor.
I feel like a bad person for saying this, but I don't know if I would necessarily change things to have him back again. A lot of good has happened-- for instance, my mother's become much less narrow-minded. She's given up her childhood programming and limitations and is finally learning that there are other options out there, and in the process, she's finally accepted her children in all their complications and forgiven us for not being the compliant Christian automatons she used to want. I got to see my grandfather three weeks before he died. I got to reconnect with my family. None of that would have happened if my dad hadn't died.
At the same time, I am keenly aware, especially now, of how much I want my dad's advice. My life is exploding in directions I never imagined and don't know how to handle. My dad always kept me level. Would he be proud of what I'm doing now? Would he approve of the direction in which my life is going? Would he approve of the new directions in which I want to take it? I don't know. And even if I do, I need to hear it. I've been trying to make my dad proud of me my whole life. I need to free myself from the fear that he won't be.
Mew. I love you, dadzor.