I would like everyone to know my true nature.
Laura: how did you get to be so open, is there anything that you don't like to discuss?
Nick: um
Nick: not really.
Nick: ill pretty much discuss anything
Nick: as for getting to be so open, i guess i just have respect for honest
Nick: y
Nick: =honesty
Laura: very noble of you.
Nick: thanks
Laura: The explanation of what your birth month says about you seems pretty accurate. What do you think of it?
AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave
and fearless.
Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to
console others. Too generous
and egotistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty
for praises.
Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when
provoked. Easily jealous.
Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly.
Independent thoughts. Loves
to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in
the arts, music and
defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance
against illnesses. Learns
to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and
caring. Loves to make
friends .
Nick: I'm not so sure about the Attractive part
Nick: And the pride part
Nick: and im not talented in music
Nick: the rest is fine
Nick: By the way, feel free to leave as many comments as you like
Nick: i like those too, cuz when i get a comment, i get email
Nick: and email makes me feel speshul
Laura: I think you underestimate how attractive you are, I can't vouch for the pride or music thing... so even if I comment on one of your earliest entries, you'll still know about it?
Nick: yes.
Laura: you seem to have this thing for women, and their approval of you, why is that?
Nick: what do you mean?
May 8th:
You know, I just can't help it.
I love women.
March 24:
Rate me on a scale from one to ten, factoring in physical attractiveness, personality, and likelihood of dating me.
March 12:
four girls hit on me.
three fought over me.
two said i was hot.
one was cute.
zero came home with me.
bitch say what!?
Nick: i mean
Nick: i know what youre asking, but howd you realize?
Laura: it's not obvious?
Nick: nobody else has ever mentioned it.
Laura: well, I don't see why they haven't
Nick: theres a few reasons that i know of
Laura: they are?
Nick: first i have like, an extreme lack of self confidence
Nick: so i feel the need to reassure myself through other people as much as possible
Laura: (and internet surveys)
Nick: thats how i do it
Nick: i dont have enough confidence to just ask people flat out what they think of me
Nick: so i do this survey shit to...sort of see what people say about me
Nick: this leads us to reason 2
Laura: good, I was hoping
Nick: which is to see if anyone seems to have any genuine interest in me
Nick: if so, i pretty much automatically take an interest in them in hopes that i can ask them out or whatever and stop feeling lonely all the time.
Nick: but obviously
Nick: it hasnt yet succeeded
Laura: really, I get the impression that some of the chic's are hitting on you, at least in a playful way.
Nick: yeah but thats because i do it to them too
Nick: i hit on them and make it seem like a joke, and if they go along with it, i say to myself "hey, maybe they're doing what im doing"
Nick: if they dont im like "alright, now youre just scarin em"
Laura: haha, what a situation to be in.
Nick: yeah
Nick: i guess im rather insecure, to put it mildly.
Laura: is there a third reason?
Nick: i guess
Nick: i just dont feel like i have anyone
Nick: i mean i have ian and steve and jake
Nick: but theyre all guys, i cant relate to them in some things i need to get out of my system
Nick: like i cant just call them up and spill my guts cuz its fuckin weird
Laura: how about Autumn? can you spill your guts on her?
Laura: As much as you are preoccupied with women, are you choosy about which ones you're preoccupied by?
Nick: um.
Nick: yes and no.
Nick: i pretty much go for anyone at the start, but after talking to them like once or twice i pretty much either......qualify them as a possibility or an impossibility
Nick: and, as horrible as it is, the impossibilities getr virtually ignored after they are ruled as such
Laura: so, you've never liked an extreemly attractive woman, even if she's an impossibility?
Laura: (I meant despite the fact that she might be an impossibility)
Nick: even though extremely attractive women are usually ruled as a possibility at first sight, if they're total bitches to me the first time i talk to them, ill never give them a second glance
Laura: I'm so glad! It makes me sick when guys drool over women they know they can't have, or that they shouldn't want to have.
Nick: heh, thanks i guess
Laura: do you think that you have problems getting attention from others, because you wait for them to initiate things?
Nick: yes.
Laura: It amazes me that you can go from being a gentelman in one entry, to such a dark and dependant (no offense intended) shortly thereafter, how can you have such radically opposing qualities, and not have them conflict.
Nick: any examples?
Nick: and it takes a lot more to offend me
Laura: um, just a sec
Nick: ok
Laura: okay, lets compare January 25th, and the courtesy you show in that entry with March 6th at 2:12, or the despair of March 10th
January 25:
The doctor had a supremely thick Russian accent and I could hardly understand a goddamn word he said, but as soon as he read on my form that I indicated I was on Fluoxetine (Prozac; anti-depressants), I was immediately disqualified from entering any branch of the Armed Forces. I then left the Medical Hall and talked to my recruiter, who was pretty upset that I told them I was on meds, as he wanted me to lie and say I wasn't on anything. But, the way I see it is, if I'm volunteering, and they have the fucking nerve to reject a volunteer to serve their own fucking country, then why should I bother even trying to work for them? It's pointless. It's stupid and fucking pointless.
So then my recruiter drove me home and I got in at 9:33 this morning, went to my room, put music on, and cried my fucking eyes out because now my only choice is more school, and god damn I HATE school and I hate everything ABOUT school and was really hoping I never ever ever had to do any more schooling.
Things happen for a reason my ass.
March 6:
Dude, I'm in Tabby's away message!
This is the best thing ever!
March 10, 2:12 pm:
since im pretty fucked up in the head and soon to be dead im going to ignore anything you guys think or say about this because i dont care anymore
March 10, 5:31 pm:
death reminds me of god
neither answer my prayers
Nick: ah
Nick: hm, march tenth is rather morbid.
Laura: you can bemoan all of these things, but in real life you don't display it.
Nick: i try my best.
Laura: you try your best to display it, or hide it?
Nick: hide.
Laura: any reason?
Nick: gets me in trouble
Laura: understandable
Laura: if it didn't get you into trouble, what do you think you would be like?
Nick: i thought for sure youd point out dec 10, 2003.
So, this year is a bad year to be alive. Worse than usual. I have a great number of regrets and losses due to my own negligence and carelessness.
I cut about 14 days of school in the last three and a half weeks. I really hate it there. Every morning, I wake up and feel that I'd be better off taking a head-first dive out the window. And I'm right: I would be. But then, that would upset some people, so I figured, I'd wait a bit, until I have to move out next year, then when nobody cares anymore, I'll do it. Or, I could just do something horrible and get expelled from the family business, like Michael did with the exception of two of my cousins and myself, and then do it, because then there wouldn't be a funeral, and nobody would give a shit anyway because I'd be labeled a horrible person and undeserving of life in the first place.
I'm rambling.
Nick: if it didnt get me in trouble
Nick: id be dead
Nick: or did you mean if i werent dead?
Laura: well, I didn't mean anything, if you think you'd be dead then I take that as your first answer, but since you proposed the idea, how about if you weren't dead?
Nick: id be a crazy goth bastard with a lot of scars on my arms and i wouldnt talk to anyone.
Laura: Most of the people you know seem to have been introduced to you by, or are at least acquainted with Ian, do you have other people that you like to hang out with?
Nick: just jake.
Nick: i cant make friends on my own
Nick: in fact out of everyone i know now, aut's the only one i introduced myself to
Nick: and even that was an accident
Laura: accident?
Nick: yeah
Nick: we were both digging all the cheez-its out of the snacks at youth invasion and we started fighting over them
Laura: ah, yes, I remember now.
Laura: do you not want to be friendly of your own accord?
Nick: i cant initiate conversations
Laura: Is it that you can't or that you don't want to?
Nick: i cant
Laura: you've tried?
Nick: once or twice
Laura: and failed?
Nick: it mostly consists of "hi, im nick." and then "k, bye then."
Laura: were you introducing yourself to a person that seems social enough to typically want to carry on the conversation, or were you saying hi to an antisocialite that would be as uncooperative about responding to you, as you are about initiating the conversation?
Nick: i dunno.
Nick: probably the latter
Nick: *twiddles his thumbs*
Laura: um, just maybe that's why you were unsuccessful at the conversation.
Laura: do you write your journal for yourself, or nebby people like me?
Nick: two reasons
Nick: see what people think/say/write about me
Nick: and keep my sanity intact
Laura: It seems like a lot of the earlier journal were more or less a report on your day, and the latest ones are more personal, why?
Nick: i had no interest in it early on, i only updated cuz tabby and them told me to
Nick: i thought it was dumb
Nick: now i think its interesting.
Nick: so i write what i want
Laura: on Nov. 15th you mention a need for change, did you change?
I've been this way for far too long.
A change must occur soon; I don't know if I can go on like this.
Nick: that change was referring to a female companion
Nick: so, no. i didnt change a thing.
Laura: My mistake
Nick: more like my mistake
Nick: i still need that change
Laura: yeah, I thought if you'd gotten the change it would be rather noticable in the journal, but it isn't. Instead suicide seems to be a big theme, why do you think about it so much?
Nick: i can never stop thinking about it
Laura: there's nothing that is guarenteed to distract you from the subject?
Nick: no.
Laura: well, what kind of life do you have if you use it to always think about death?
Nick: its not like i sit down and just say "hmm, ill think about suicide now. yeah thats fun."
Nick: i mean, i dont really think about it when im with a few select people
Nick: but other than that i look around and when i see stuff like a pencil or something, my first thought is always "that could kill me if i tried."
Nick: it doesnt come up nearly as often as it used to
Nick: but it hangs around
Laura: so what you meant was when you're left with your own thoughts, you naturally start thinking about killing yourself? what is different now, from when you used to?
Nick: now i try to keepmyself occupied as long as possible
Nick: for example, you can probably see how many more entries there are in may 2004 than in, like, october of 2003
Laura: exactly, and that helps, even when your thinking by yourself, as long as your thinking of other people (and what they think of what you're writing) that deters you from suicidal ideas?
Nick: yeah usually
Laura: good, keep it up
Nick: also why i spend so much time with online surveys and quizilla
Laura: the computer seems to be a big outlet for you, do you think you would have found a different outlet if the computer didn't exist?
Nick: i dunno
Nick: maybe
Laura: Under your bio, you end by saying that you attempt to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as you desire them to be. Do you think there is such a place, would that place be your ideal afterlife?
Nick: my ideal afterlife wouldnt have things more nearly as i desire them to be
Nick: theyd be exactly as i desire them to be
Nick: and no. there is no place.
Nick: there used to be, but its been gone for a while
Laura: what was it, and where'd it go?
Nick: writing. i quit.
Laura: this substitute world is in your imagination/ previous writing?
Nick: id make up some cool world and write stories about it
Nick: that was my substitute world
Laura: even though you quit writing about it, is it still present?
Nick: i dont know
Laura: If you could ask anything of a person, what would you ask?
Nick: do i choose the person?
Laura: yes
Nick: in general or for a specific event applying solely to me?
Laura: solely you
Nick: i dont know. im selfish, theres a lot of things i want from a lot of people and im not getting any of it
Laura: do you let them know what you want from them?
Nick: no.
Laura: it's hard for them to give it, in that case
Nick: im not expecting it from them
Laura: you don't have to expect it, but how do they even have a chance at making you happy if you don't let them know how to do so.
Nick: if i went around telling everyone to make me happy, thatd be the most fucked up, selfish thing possible.
Laura: I'm not saying to order people around, or guilt them into doing something they don't want to do, but just an awareness of what you would like out of them, might influence how they treat you.
Nick: my friends treat me wonderfully
Nick: i cannot ask for anything more
Laura: okay, nevermind then
Nick: if anything they should ask me for something in return
Laura: I'm just saying, if you get the chance to tell her what you think, don't be afraid to say it. If it's true, it will speak volumes on it's own, and you kinda have to trust that she'll let you know if you're making a bad move. Be willing to mess up, she might be worth it.
Nick: um
Nick: not really.
Nick: ill pretty much discuss anything
Nick: as for getting to be so open, i guess i just have respect for honest
Nick: y
Nick: =honesty
Laura: very noble of you.
Nick: thanks
Laura: The explanation of what your birth month says about you seems pretty accurate. What do you think of it?
AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave
and fearless.
Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to
console others. Too generous
and egotistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty
for praises.
Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when
provoked. Easily jealous.
Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly.
Independent thoughts. Loves
to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in
the arts, music and
defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance
against illnesses. Learns
to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and
caring. Loves to make
friends .
Nick: I'm not so sure about the Attractive part
Nick: And the pride part
Nick: and im not talented in music
Nick: the rest is fine
Nick: By the way, feel free to leave as many comments as you like
Nick: i like those too, cuz when i get a comment, i get email
Nick: and email makes me feel speshul
Laura: I think you underestimate how attractive you are, I can't vouch for the pride or music thing... so even if I comment on one of your earliest entries, you'll still know about it?
Nick: yes.
Laura: you seem to have this thing for women, and their approval of you, why is that?
Nick: what do you mean?
May 8th:
You know, I just can't help it.
I love women.
March 24:
Rate me on a scale from one to ten, factoring in physical attractiveness, personality, and likelihood of dating me.
March 12:
four girls hit on me.
three fought over me.
two said i was hot.
one was cute.
zero came home with me.
bitch say what!?
Nick: i mean
Nick: i know what youre asking, but howd you realize?
Laura: it's not obvious?
Nick: nobody else has ever mentioned it.
Laura: well, I don't see why they haven't
Nick: theres a few reasons that i know of
Laura: they are?
Nick: first i have like, an extreme lack of self confidence
Nick: so i feel the need to reassure myself through other people as much as possible
Laura: (and internet surveys)
Nick: thats how i do it
Nick: i dont have enough confidence to just ask people flat out what they think of me
Nick: so i do this survey shit to...sort of see what people say about me
Nick: this leads us to reason 2
Laura: good, I was hoping
Nick: which is to see if anyone seems to have any genuine interest in me
Nick: if so, i pretty much automatically take an interest in them in hopes that i can ask them out or whatever and stop feeling lonely all the time.
Nick: but obviously
Nick: it hasnt yet succeeded
Laura: really, I get the impression that some of the chic's are hitting on you, at least in a playful way.
Nick: yeah but thats because i do it to them too
Nick: i hit on them and make it seem like a joke, and if they go along with it, i say to myself "hey, maybe they're doing what im doing"
Nick: if they dont im like "alright, now youre just scarin em"
Laura: haha, what a situation to be in.
Nick: yeah
Nick: i guess im rather insecure, to put it mildly.
Laura: is there a third reason?
Nick: i guess
Nick: i just dont feel like i have anyone
Nick: i mean i have ian and steve and jake
Nick: but theyre all guys, i cant relate to them in some things i need to get out of my system
Nick: like i cant just call them up and spill my guts cuz its fuckin weird
Laura: how about Autumn? can you spill your guts on her?
Laura: As much as you are preoccupied with women, are you choosy about which ones you're preoccupied by?
Nick: um.
Nick: yes and no.
Nick: i pretty much go for anyone at the start, but after talking to them like once or twice i pretty much either......qualify them as a possibility or an impossibility
Nick: and, as horrible as it is, the impossibilities getr virtually ignored after they are ruled as such
Laura: so, you've never liked an extreemly attractive woman, even if she's an impossibility?
Laura: (I meant despite the fact that she might be an impossibility)
Nick: even though extremely attractive women are usually ruled as a possibility at first sight, if they're total bitches to me the first time i talk to them, ill never give them a second glance
Laura: I'm so glad! It makes me sick when guys drool over women they know they can't have, or that they shouldn't want to have.
Nick: heh, thanks i guess
Laura: do you think that you have problems getting attention from others, because you wait for them to initiate things?
Nick: yes.
Laura: It amazes me that you can go from being a gentelman in one entry, to such a dark and dependant (no offense intended) shortly thereafter, how can you have such radically opposing qualities, and not have them conflict.
Nick: any examples?
Nick: and it takes a lot more to offend me
Laura: um, just a sec
Nick: ok
Laura: okay, lets compare January 25th, and the courtesy you show in that entry with March 6th at 2:12, or the despair of March 10th
January 25:
The doctor had a supremely thick Russian accent and I could hardly understand a goddamn word he said, but as soon as he read on my form that I indicated I was on Fluoxetine (Prozac; anti-depressants), I was immediately disqualified from entering any branch of the Armed Forces. I then left the Medical Hall and talked to my recruiter, who was pretty upset that I told them I was on meds, as he wanted me to lie and say I wasn't on anything. But, the way I see it is, if I'm volunteering, and they have the fucking nerve to reject a volunteer to serve their own fucking country, then why should I bother even trying to work for them? It's pointless. It's stupid and fucking pointless.
So then my recruiter drove me home and I got in at 9:33 this morning, went to my room, put music on, and cried my fucking eyes out because now my only choice is more school, and god damn I HATE school and I hate everything ABOUT school and was really hoping I never ever ever had to do any more schooling.
Things happen for a reason my ass.
March 6:
Dude, I'm in Tabby's away message!
This is the best thing ever!
March 10, 2:12 pm:
since im pretty fucked up in the head and soon to be dead im going to ignore anything you guys think or say about this because i dont care anymore
March 10, 5:31 pm:
death reminds me of god
neither answer my prayers
Nick: ah
Nick: hm, march tenth is rather morbid.
Laura: you can bemoan all of these things, but in real life you don't display it.
Nick: i try my best.
Laura: you try your best to display it, or hide it?
Nick: hide.
Laura: any reason?
Nick: gets me in trouble
Laura: understandable
Laura: if it didn't get you into trouble, what do you think you would be like?
Nick: i thought for sure youd point out dec 10, 2003.
So, this year is a bad year to be alive. Worse than usual. I have a great number of regrets and losses due to my own negligence and carelessness.
I cut about 14 days of school in the last three and a half weeks. I really hate it there. Every morning, I wake up and feel that I'd be better off taking a head-first dive out the window. And I'm right: I would be. But then, that would upset some people, so I figured, I'd wait a bit, until I have to move out next year, then when nobody cares anymore, I'll do it. Or, I could just do something horrible and get expelled from the family business, like Michael did with the exception of two of my cousins and myself, and then do it, because then there wouldn't be a funeral, and nobody would give a shit anyway because I'd be labeled a horrible person and undeserving of life in the first place.
I'm rambling.
Nick: if it didnt get me in trouble
Nick: id be dead
Nick: or did you mean if i werent dead?
Laura: well, I didn't mean anything, if you think you'd be dead then I take that as your first answer, but since you proposed the idea, how about if you weren't dead?
Nick: id be a crazy goth bastard with a lot of scars on my arms and i wouldnt talk to anyone.
Laura: Most of the people you know seem to have been introduced to you by, or are at least acquainted with Ian, do you have other people that you like to hang out with?
Nick: just jake.
Nick: i cant make friends on my own
Nick: in fact out of everyone i know now, aut's the only one i introduced myself to
Nick: and even that was an accident
Laura: accident?
Nick: yeah
Nick: we were both digging all the cheez-its out of the snacks at youth invasion and we started fighting over them
Laura: ah, yes, I remember now.
Laura: do you not want to be friendly of your own accord?
Nick: i cant initiate conversations
Laura: Is it that you can't or that you don't want to?
Nick: i cant
Laura: you've tried?
Nick: once or twice
Laura: and failed?
Nick: it mostly consists of "hi, im nick." and then "k, bye then."
Laura: were you introducing yourself to a person that seems social enough to typically want to carry on the conversation, or were you saying hi to an antisocialite that would be as uncooperative about responding to you, as you are about initiating the conversation?
Nick: i dunno.
Nick: probably the latter
Nick: *twiddles his thumbs*
Laura: um, just maybe that's why you were unsuccessful at the conversation.
Laura: do you write your journal for yourself, or nebby people like me?
Nick: two reasons
Nick: see what people think/say/write about me
Nick: and keep my sanity intact
Laura: It seems like a lot of the earlier journal were more or less a report on your day, and the latest ones are more personal, why?
Nick: i had no interest in it early on, i only updated cuz tabby and them told me to
Nick: i thought it was dumb
Nick: now i think its interesting.
Nick: so i write what i want
Laura: on Nov. 15th you mention a need for change, did you change?
I've been this way for far too long.
A change must occur soon; I don't know if I can go on like this.
Nick: that change was referring to a female companion
Nick: so, no. i didnt change a thing.
Laura: My mistake
Nick: more like my mistake
Nick: i still need that change
Laura: yeah, I thought if you'd gotten the change it would be rather noticable in the journal, but it isn't. Instead suicide seems to be a big theme, why do you think about it so much?
Nick: i can never stop thinking about it
Laura: there's nothing that is guarenteed to distract you from the subject?
Nick: no.
Laura: well, what kind of life do you have if you use it to always think about death?
Nick: its not like i sit down and just say "hmm, ill think about suicide now. yeah thats fun."
Nick: i mean, i dont really think about it when im with a few select people
Nick: but other than that i look around and when i see stuff like a pencil or something, my first thought is always "that could kill me if i tried."
Nick: it doesnt come up nearly as often as it used to
Nick: but it hangs around
Laura: so what you meant was when you're left with your own thoughts, you naturally start thinking about killing yourself? what is different now, from when you used to?
Nick: now i try to keepmyself occupied as long as possible
Nick: for example, you can probably see how many more entries there are in may 2004 than in, like, october of 2003
Laura: exactly, and that helps, even when your thinking by yourself, as long as your thinking of other people (and what they think of what you're writing) that deters you from suicidal ideas?
Nick: yeah usually
Laura: good, keep it up
Nick: also why i spend so much time with online surveys and quizilla
Laura: the computer seems to be a big outlet for you, do you think you would have found a different outlet if the computer didn't exist?
Nick: i dunno
Nick: maybe
Laura: Under your bio, you end by saying that you attempt to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as you desire them to be. Do you think there is such a place, would that place be your ideal afterlife?
Nick: my ideal afterlife wouldnt have things more nearly as i desire them to be
Nick: theyd be exactly as i desire them to be
Nick: and no. there is no place.
Nick: there used to be, but its been gone for a while
Laura: what was it, and where'd it go?
Nick: writing. i quit.
Laura: this substitute world is in your imagination/ previous writing?
Nick: id make up some cool world and write stories about it
Nick: that was my substitute world
Laura: even though you quit writing about it, is it still present?
Nick: i dont know
Laura: If you could ask anything of a person, what would you ask?
Nick: do i choose the person?
Laura: yes
Nick: in general or for a specific event applying solely to me?
Laura: solely you
Nick: i dont know. im selfish, theres a lot of things i want from a lot of people and im not getting any of it
Laura: do you let them know what you want from them?
Nick: no.
Laura: it's hard for them to give it, in that case
Nick: im not expecting it from them
Laura: you don't have to expect it, but how do they even have a chance at making you happy if you don't let them know how to do so.
Nick: if i went around telling everyone to make me happy, thatd be the most fucked up, selfish thing possible.
Laura: I'm not saying to order people around, or guilt them into doing something they don't want to do, but just an awareness of what you would like out of them, might influence how they treat you.
Nick: my friends treat me wonderfully
Nick: i cannot ask for anything more
Laura: okay, nevermind then
Nick: if anything they should ask me for something in return
Laura: I'm just saying, if you get the chance to tell her what you think, don't be afraid to say it. If it's true, it will speak volumes on it's own, and you kinda have to trust that she'll let you know if you're making a bad move. Be willing to mess up, she might be worth it.