Three drunken nights

[silent_crow]

Title: Three drunken nights
Genre: broken pieces
Rating: harmless

Written for dxs triangle drabble challenge , theme #19

Comments

[rheakurokawa]

i'm sorry. we both need to be locked into a room and slap each other whenever we feel these thoughts coming. ahahahah. we are not weirdos actually though. most writers, artists, creators go through the exact same thing. and i've read and listened to a few to know that. it's part of who we are

oh die. he is, isn't he? i discovered that by writing him and i didn't know where it came from. everywhere he was written like this sunny perfect wonderfully profoundly unflawed thing. and then he broke, little by little, fissure by fissure. to me die is like that. and toshiya is like that too. and shinya too. i haven't written kyo, except for a few words in a small drabble. but to me die and toshiya always always somehow are these broken things. i dunno. i guess i shift my own feeligns on them, but also write them as i perceive them. i am most sensitive with toshiya for some reason. and i thought die is the most similar to myself. i found pieces of myself, aspects of myself in most of the people i've written, but in expectatio die is my closest. i think. i dunno. i feel quite close to paris.london kaoru too. mostly because i identify with kaoru in some things and in some others just look at him. i dunno. but in terms of empathy, toshiya breaks me. it's sometimes impossible to the point of physical pain to write him. sometimes even to watch him. and i cna't explain it. he probably isn't even like that. who knows.

so i do understand a lot of what you say about shinya. i haven't written shinya in a while. in a good while now. not from his head, not from his mind, his feelings. it was always die. i should go back to him one day. perhaps.

i miss die. i miss die a lot actually. and die/shinya. i keep saying it and i know that, but it's true. it;s something i can't explain well. those months that took writing in expectatio, we were together always. i was there, in his house, his bed, on his balcony, felt everything he felt. we connected in a way i haven't with a fictional character too many times. he's arguably one of the most favorite things to write for me.

i don't even know why i say this. does it have anything to do with what we were talking? i dunno

and yes, standards. it's ok to have them. i've been in a lot of fury and rage towards my writing in the past months and it drained me a lot. and i still have no idea where i stand. i am still lost. sometimes more than i admit. but i dunno. i think i'll just accept the status quo for a while. not care about vicious haters, or past acomplishments, or anything. i'll try not to get to involved emotionally. to not expect. just... be the conduct and allow the words to go on paper. because i can't write otherwise. i stumble mself. and what you said there, in the beginning... about jealousy etc. i feel it too and it's natural. and i feel selfdoubt a lot too. and a lot of things. lack of importance. i feel like a fraud. or like really incompetent imbecile having nothing to say. i often ask myself thigns those turds asked themselves and accused me of in that rotting place and so on. i do question all the time. but i think it's time to sometimes just let go and stop. let go.