and desolate it shall be...when you're gone...
i love how i always figure out the password every single time they get a new one...
sighhh. sucks being clever...
emp.ti.ness.
not a pleasant thing. that's why im basing my newest book on it. choosing one word to develop into an entire book isn't an easy task. why did you think im doing it? because it was easy? fuck no. i need a challenge. we knew that though. never content, never quite happy with the last piece of art, never able to look back at what i wrote a few noths before and still think it sounds as beautiful as when i sat down to write it. im such a sap. whatever works right? whatever fills the pages i suppose.
i have different views on this word and actually even a few different forms of the word i might use. 'desolate' is my first choice. the word desolate SOUNDS empty and alone, so it will probably convey my meanings very efficently. i think the word 'alone' is too simple. too flat. it's much too blah for the depth i want this book to have. so yes, i have come to the conclusion that 'desolate' will be just fine. maybe even better than just fine.
i tryed to talk to Roland about my book and i carried on a full-out conversation with myself once again. sure, he's all wrapped up in text books and last-minute final projects, but my god i could tell him the world was ending and he wouldn't even listen. he doesn't hear me. it's called selective hearing and i don't believe i've been selected.
*i've been beginning to think obsessively about things in the past few days that i wish weren't real. Andy is dying. Everyone's had faith for the past five years since he first got cancer, every person you'd talk to who knew him would say how strong he was and that he was doing so well fighting it. I'm certainly not saying that Andy is giving up or that he isn't strong because damn it he really is amazing to have gone through this much shit. It takes somebody with a lot of will and a lot of love for life to want to keep pushing and to try to make it back up again everytime you fall. I just don't know now though. It's not like anyone can help him anymore, they can't. Time is the only thing that he's got, and we don't have any idea how much of it is left. I dont want him to die..god i don't want him to die. I love Andy so much for being such a good friend to me and to practically everyone he knows. He's the most caring person i've ever met. And it's not just because he's sick..its just Andy. I dont want that desk to be empty and not know if he's coming back again. I dont want to be at work 2 minutes away from his house wishing that he'd come in like he used to and sit with me while i was on break. I don't want to see everyone crying at school or my mother or his because i can't handle emotion like that. I don't want to have to sit and think about how much it hurts to lose someone all over again like last March.
I don't want to lose him. But it's so real now that it scares me more than i ever thought possible.
Please, whoever reads this entry say a prayer for Andy and for his family. I don't care if you're not religious, neither am i but in times like these it couldn't hurt...