your chasing the ghost of a good thing...
11/09/04
I know its been a few days since i've written. I just hadnt gotten around to it. I was kinda busy with school. I'm also trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
But lets go back to where i left off last time...
I was able to finish the report i was working on. I stayed up really late and I woke up super early to go finish it at the library at school. I finished it just on time. Thats what matters right? I just hope i wrote it correctly.
umm i dont remember what i did the days after that so i'll just skip until this past friday.
Friday was fun. Monic, Nydia, Angelica, Rick, Chilo and I went to eat at Lin's. It was really good I wanna go again. After that we went to the island. I locked my keys in my car. I had to 40 bucks to get them out. that sucked. Then we went to Jordans house and left Angelica there with him. We went to the beach and drank bacardi. I just drank one cuz i was gonna have to drive back to brownsville. We were attacked by a bat and it freaked us out. The sky looked beautiful though. We came home and that was that.
Saturday. not so good. had an argument with my mom. argued about clothes not being folded. then it turned into how i dont do anything. maybe i dont do much around the house. i guess maybe i am partially guilty of that charge. but i'm a "kid" of course i dont want to. But I do go to school and get decent grades. I also have a job and am responsible for most of my financial needs. I'm a failry well behaved kid. I dont do anything too rebellious. I duno. But is folding clothes and washing dishes that important? maybe i'm viewing it from then wrong perpective. but when she said "i do things for you even if i dont want to, and i dont hvae to, but i still do them" that was the end. i dont think she realized the weight of her words. it hurt me a lot. I had to go to work after all that and it was wierd. i showed up with red eyes. amanda asked me what was wrong. i tried to shrug it off and hide it. it didnt work. the wound was still too fresh. i eneded up in the back room with tears coming out. it was kinda funny cuz amanda didnt know what to do. she figured i was better by myslef so she went back to the front. i just sat in the bathroom and tried to suppress it. after 10 min i went back to the front and it was a lil awkward, but then it was ok. i just tried to suppress it for the rest of the night. after work i broke down in my car. i drove around for a while. i knew it was becasue i felt bad about earlier, but then it was more than that. but i didnt know what i was feeling so bad about. i just felt empty. it scared me, because i couldnt identify the feeling. i wanted to just keep driving away. but i knew i had to come home. so i did.
Sunday.woke up and went to church. came home and ate pizza. my mom acted like if nothing had happened. completely just blew it off. that made me mad. i didnt want to talk to her. i went to my room. played the guitar for a little bit. then i fell asleep. woke up and went to work. i came to the conclusin that i dont like being there. I feel very out of place when i'm there. yeah i know, i'll take some of the blame for disconnecting myslef. but i dunno. its different. i dont feel like explaining it. so work ended. drove him. got the same feeling again. but i didnt want to increase it. so i just came straight home and fell asleep so i didnt have to deal with it.
Monday. woke up feeling sick. took a night time tea by accident in the morning. i could barely stay awake at school so i came home and fell asleep for a good while. woke up to take gilbert to work. layed around for a while and then went back to school. found out that i had a test the next day for psychology. did as much as i could of the review until 2:30 a.m then fell asleep.
that brings me to today. Tuesday. woke up at 6:45 a.m to go to school and finish the review before my piano class. i cant miss anymore classes. then went to psychology and took the test. came home changed and went to best buy. it was cool for the 1st day. i still feel sick. my mood is better. then end.
I dont know whats wrong with me. I know how it started. but it just got worse. everything seemed to get to me. now i dont even recognize why i feel this way. I dont like feeling super down. then i dont know why it just goes away. and then i can feel ok for a while. i hope i dont contimue this way. it freaks me out. i feel crazy. i hope its just me. i hope it'll pass. i've been this way in the past. i just hope it doesnt last long.
i want to go back to 7th-9th grade and stay there. nothing mattered then.