We all hide things...

[silencedeyes]

I am so afraid to let go, but I realized last night, the one thing I want more than anything, I will never have if I don't just let go. No risk no reward, right? What am I holding on to, anyways, pain from the past, the past that I was to young to control. My philosophy over the years has been 'it's my pain I will hold on to it if I want to" (having a theme of it's my party I will cry if i want to), but I don't need too. Maybe that is why I keep having flashbacks. I won't let go of what happened. It is not my fault. I don't think it was anyways. Can a four year old have control over anything??? Why am I still freaking out about this... I was fucking almost 15 years ago...

I am fully aware that I keep saying the same thing over and over but, I am trying to reassure myself that just because I open myself up, I am not automatically opening myself up to being hurt. Does that happen? Can you not have one without the other?

Sorry for the woe is me lately...