It's kind of a funny story.
There was a time recently when I recalled that I had a LiveJournal in existence in the internet world. I was determined to seek it out, not only to read for amusement, but for comparison. Oddly enough, I found it. Even more strange, I remembered the ridiculous passwords I was using at that age. It was a blast from the past that I wasn't sure if I missed or wanted to forget. I think I'll also leave everything "as is," so maybe I can give my head a nice shake when I read things back to myself. Even my bio is wildly inappropriate. There was a girl at one point in thrived in chaos and attention. Someone who wanted to be a known a certain way, even if she wasn't that way at all. There was an abundance of ego pooling at my feet as I died inside. It was a blessing and a sin in the same breath.
My last entry was in 2007. I'm not quite sure what happened at that point, or where exactly my life lead. It almost looks like I dropped off the face of the Earth, which is something I've mastered greatly at this point in my life. I will note that it is totally insane how much life can change and how quickly time passes by. It's now 2016, and I'm sitting at my kitchen table in my apartment with a cup of coffee. I'm waiting to go to work at my 9-5 job to what hopefully will be a good day. I'm quite boring these days. What used to be a thriving extrovert has formed into an introvert who does her best to blend in with her surroundings. I don't really associate with anyone and am perfectly fine with that. The people of my past are a reminder of what I used to be, mostly a person I don't wish to remember. My life isn't overly amazing. I'm not married. I don't have children. I don't smoke cigarettes or party anymore. The hormonal sexual being that I was has completely vanished into something almost a-sexual. With age came changes. I also wish to bring about even more changes with each day passing.
I often wonder what life would be like if I kept living the way I was living before. Bouncing off the walls while simultaneously job hopping to support the next blunt roll. Always meeting strangers off the internet without any fear. Running away every time shit got tough (something I still kind of do). I knew there was so much cover on what I was really feeling inside. I would be a liar if I would say that I didn't miss it a little sometimes. There was always a story to tell, good or bad. These days, it's more like what I had for dinner last night. What my rabbit, Buddha, did that was so cute. My refrigerator stopped working. I need to buy a new car. Is that what it all as come to?
I also think about what would happen if I started drinking again. Three and a half years on a dry run and it crosses my mind more often than ever. I feel like sobriety has brought me into a world of recluse. All of my interactions feel so forced and people drain my energy. Coming from a girl who absolutely used to hate being alone, it sounds absolutely insane. It's all I want now. Most days, even interacting with my significant other feels like a chore. It's not anxiety or anything like that. There is no connection. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There's not pity needed, it's what I feel. The party scene isn't my thing anymore and AA was too much for me. If only there was something in the middle. Drinking normally isn't an option for me. I feel my most peace when I'm perched up in the woods somewhere, alone, in silence. There's even some content lying within my mind that I have a chance to sort through my thoughts when I can.
I've been pen and paper writing throughout the years to try and keep up with my thoughts, though it can be time consuming. Sitting in front of my laptop screen feels a little more productive at times. Sorting on my words through a keyboard tends to be a little more fluent. I'm not here for anyone to read my shit. I don't expect them to. Writing here today felt necessary.
My last entry was in 2007. I'm not quite sure what happened at that point, or where exactly my life lead. It almost looks like I dropped off the face of the Earth, which is something I've mastered greatly at this point in my life. I will note that it is totally insane how much life can change and how quickly time passes by. It's now 2016, and I'm sitting at my kitchen table in my apartment with a cup of coffee. I'm waiting to go to work at my 9-5 job to what hopefully will be a good day. I'm quite boring these days. What used to be a thriving extrovert has formed into an introvert who does her best to blend in with her surroundings. I don't really associate with anyone and am perfectly fine with that. The people of my past are a reminder of what I used to be, mostly a person I don't wish to remember. My life isn't overly amazing. I'm not married. I don't have children. I don't smoke cigarettes or party anymore. The hormonal sexual being that I was has completely vanished into something almost a-sexual. With age came changes. I also wish to bring about even more changes with each day passing.
I often wonder what life would be like if I kept living the way I was living before. Bouncing off the walls while simultaneously job hopping to support the next blunt roll. Always meeting strangers off the internet without any fear. Running away every time shit got tough (something I still kind of do). I knew there was so much cover on what I was really feeling inside. I would be a liar if I would say that I didn't miss it a little sometimes. There was always a story to tell, good or bad. These days, it's more like what I had for dinner last night. What my rabbit, Buddha, did that was so cute. My refrigerator stopped working. I need to buy a new car. Is that what it all as come to?
I also think about what would happen if I started drinking again. Three and a half years on a dry run and it crosses my mind more often than ever. I feel like sobriety has brought me into a world of recluse. All of my interactions feel so forced and people drain my energy. Coming from a girl who absolutely used to hate being alone, it sounds absolutely insane. It's all I want now. Most days, even interacting with my significant other feels like a chore. It's not anxiety or anything like that. There is no connection. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There's not pity needed, it's what I feel. The party scene isn't my thing anymore and AA was too much for me. If only there was something in the middle. Drinking normally isn't an option for me. I feel my most peace when I'm perched up in the woods somewhere, alone, in silence. There's even some content lying within my mind that I have a chance to sort through my thoughts when I can.
I've been pen and paper writing throughout the years to try and keep up with my thoughts, though it can be time consuming. Sitting in front of my laptop screen feels a little more productive at times. Sorting on my words through a keyboard tends to be a little more fluent. I'm not here for anyone to read my shit. I don't expect them to. Writing here today felt necessary.