Entie 'causez Marc saydded soz.
Well! its been a while since I actually wrote something with the least big of significance...I guess I should try...I guess not a lot has been going on in my life, or maybe I'm just more content at the moment, or I'm happier. I can't really...think. I used to be the kind of person who would think about everything in the world or in my life that is or was or will go wrong. And I suppose you could say that I still do...sometimes. But when you have problems like that, the right and obvious thing to do would be to change something. Even a little something. And I'm pretty sure I've changed a lot, in my life and the way I feel for the most part. I am extremely proud of the choices I have made and now continue to make. I have always understood that my life is MY life, and no one else's. I can be accused, criticized, belittled, and analized but I will always be strong willed and actually stand up for what I believe in. I look around, AGAIN in a cynical way...and see a lot of things that I really don't like. I hear a lot of things I really don't like too. I admit that people have and will always be the biggest problem with no solution in my life. At least the people I see walking around day to day, or have seen for the past six or seven years. It really makes me laugh at how lazy and god damn monotonous everyone is. Everyone just sits on their ass at their homes, begging for some entertainment, and then bitch about the entertainment. They talk about a new way of life or how the world should be, but then...back at page one. We still haven't lifted a finger or even made any consistant plans. "Yeah, this sucks and I wanna get out of here, so I'm gonna!" Five years later we are all still talk. Why doesn't anyone really WANT something? There is so much more world and life and list of things to do and see that just will not allow this small world to be satisfying. It BAFFLES me. It really does. I can't even begin to think of how unhappy I would be as my mom. Or as anyone else I know for that matter. There is no excitement, the only challenge is waking up day to day. Some people like to think that there are no alternatives, and that if they don't follow this way of living that they will be stuck with no money and no hope. They will shrivel and die. This American Dream. This getting drunk and high every weekend (or even everyday for a lot of people) we have nothing better to do boring waste of crap. WHAT THE HELL. I have been a procrastinator in a lot of aspects of my life for a good amount of time. I've talked and bitched and relied on the fact that I still have hope as an excuse for an escape someday. I went back and forth analizing and comparing ways of life, but never really found a place for my heart, other than my chest. And all this time part of what I really wanted was right in front of me, and the other part I already had. In this past month I have realized that I've finally found what I believe to be the missing part of my hope and ambition. I have honestly never found someone; friend, parent, lover, or acquaintance that has given me what I have now. I hopefully can now continue this dream with someone who truly loves me and makes me very happy, and vice versa. I just think to myself like 'wow, this is the real deal.' I am amazed at the power two people can hold in a connection. But even if this doesn't happen, I am confident in myself now and will be willing to get out of this cycle for good one way or another. I have never been so happy for more than a few hours of my life, and now this. I actually am able to just lay back and watch life without getting extremely upset. I can look at more positive things than negative. And I do believe I have a final set plan for my life. One that really makes me smile, and one that I can look forward to with an immense amount of trust. Thank you God for finally letting me see things in a new light. I must have done something right for this to happen. I really hope it lasts. Also! Marc! I am glad we are friends now. That is a really exciting idea to me.