All this from a nicotine craving.
Good excuse for if your lawn lights on fire.
"You should have seen it, a million fire flies hit the lawn going about fourty miles an hour, I swear".
Brad...stop smoking pot on our lawn.
Well guess where I am..It's going to be hard to believe..Arcadia, BIG SHOCKER! haha.It was good to be back, we drove around, I bought a cowbiy hat, Whittney dyed her hair and we got to see Erik and Joey! It feels like we were only gone for a few days but at the same time it feels like I haven't seen them in forever. Erik made us food, righteous. I was excited,. who wouldn't be over food? That's right. Jesse called tonight wanting to talk to me abotu the conflict we had, in all honesty I wasn't planning on talking to him for awhile, I needed to think abotu everything as cliche as that sounds. But I am glad we talked, he pretty much just asked how I felt with the whole situation and I told him EXACTLY how I felt, and I had some time to myself to really think about what I had to say and how to word it, because that's what usually get's me, it's not what I have to say it's how I word it that screws me over. I had to make sure I didn't assume how he felt or tell him how he has to feel which he always accuses me of doing. He asked me why I threw such a big temper tantrum last night, and I flat out told him it was because he always accused me of being jealous when all along I knew exactly how he felt but another girl, well obviously if I care about him so much and I know he moved on to someone else and he didn't even tell me but I always knew it, why wouldn't I get upset? He made me feel so stupid and guilty about being jealous when all this time I had a reason to be. I hate how he regrets what happened between us, all it should have done is realize were better off as friends, right? I guess not..Were so flawed in the same way, I mean were both so jealous, yet we deny we are, were stubborn and scared, insecure and clingy, we both run to Whittney with our problems and I cringe at this one, but yes, we can both be a hypocrite at times. Whitt told me some things he said about me when he was mad last night, and of course I said hurtful things too, but I mentioned that I bet he was going to cut up all the pictures he has of me, and what happened, he told Whitt that he was so mad that he was about to cut me out of a picture where I am kissing him, but I was so into the kiss he would have to cut off half of his face. Hardee har har, we have a funny boy on our hands, haha, no actually it was real funny. I laughed. Anyways he tried apologizing to me and I basically told him not to apologize for having feelings because I'm not going to apologize. I told him how out of place and akward I felt with him in Tallahasse and that I kept thinking the whole time by asking myself why did it feel so weird and different, I wondered if one of us changed or if it was the situation. He just didn't seem to be the same Jesse I fell in love with here in Arcadia. I don't know if I can go up there again, I would be perfectly fine if he came down here to visit, but it's so shitty to be around a friend yet feel so alone. eek. So towards the end of the phone call he just mentioned the fight was over something stupid and that were bestfriends and he doesnt want anything to ruin the friendship, I told him I understood and that he really is the most amazing guy I ever met and I never admired someone so much as I have with him, but I don't want the friendship to be so pushed on when all within one week it was pushed so far back. It has to have a little repair I guess you can say, It can't just go back to normal, I don't know if it ever can. I never want to loose him again but I never want to be as hurt as I have been with him again. There have been guys that broke my heart and there have been friends that have also, but I never felt so broken hearted as the time where he broke it. I don't know how it's going to be next time we are all together I can't promise anything. He told Whitt that everything is fine between us and that we are friends again, but I never said we were, I never said we weren't...All I know is that he's a part of me weather I like it or not. And I feel bad for Whitt because she has to have two bestfriends that can barely get along nowadays. I know it bothers and upsets her, and I think he's scared he's going to either come inbetween the friendship with me and her or him and her, which it won't. I don't ever want her to think I want her to choose, I would never make her give him up, I would never let her...Because once you have someone like Jesse in your life you should do everything you can to keep him there, and I admire her for doing so, I don't know if it's too late for me to take full advantage of having him in my life, but If I can't keep him in my life, then I'm so glad him and Whitt have eachother because he needs someone so bad, and who could I trust better than Whitt? I really would trust his life in her hands..That's really fucked up, what I just said. haha. I shouldn't be putting his life in anyone's hands, haha. I was kinda bitter about things with him for awhile but I realized I shouldn't be, I viewed him too much in one way, but he's just as guilty as me, he can say he isn't but oh boy how he is. I can't really say I regret things that happened in the past because that's hurtful but I definatley wish things would have happened differently. He said he's suspicous over the things I said to him, like about appreciating the things he's done for us and about the friendship. And that scares me sooo much. If he thinks I lie about what I say to him and how I feel, that makes me nervous. And I rarely ever say "I love you", the only people I have said it to besides my family have been Whittney and Jesse. It's rare that I say it and when I do say it, lord how I really mean it. And I say it to Jesse, and it started becoming routine where I have told him that a lot, and after I say it I always tell him not to doubt it, and he never once said that he does, or that he doesn't believe me. but it just makes me think, oh gosh, if he doesn't believe half the stuff I say to him or believe that I care, how about if he thinking my I love you's are meaningless? That's the tricky thing about saying "I love you", kids. You REALLY have to mean it, and once you say it, you can't take it back, and that person will always remember you said those words and will either cherish them or hold it against you. Where in this case I have said it many of times, and I know he hears me but I don't know if he believes me. When I hear him say he loves me, sometimes I feel like it's because he has to. Would we really fight this way if we loved eachother as much as we say we do? Anways before he got off the phone he told me he loved me and I just handed it over to Whitt. I can't do it, I can't tell him I love him....Number one I have never been good at saying it, and I am not questioning if I love him or saying that I don't, it's just that I feel like I'm a puppy that's been kicked. I'm scared and this friendship proved it's best not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm scared if I'll ever be able to tell him those words again, and I can't act like I never told him those words or say I never meant them, what do I say if he asks why I don't say it back anymore? ugh, well I don't know, and I'm feeling kinda bad that I put the friendship on hold but I need two things, time, a lot of it...and to be around him again, I once convinced myself I couldn't live without him, but then again I would have done anything for the Jesse I use to love.
x_Kinda funny lonely feeling I'm not in love, you know it's not love_x x_I still see you lying next to me so deep that I didn't even bleed-let me go back to sleep I can laugh all I want inside I still am empty so deep-I remember every glance you shot me_x
Sorry for the long post
But hey, at least I'm letting you guys in on my life fuckers...Feel special...pffffft
Britt, with two t's, gosh.