anguish or languish
I'm tired of life. It's not that I want to die. I'm just tired. It's a wholly different feeling than anything I have ever felt. I try to find joy. I really do. I make such an effort.
I feel like my every breath is wasted. There is just nothing. I keep trying to make there be something.
But, I am not a success story. Being here- people say that counts. Keeping on- that counts, they say. But, Sisyphus keeps trying. And never gets anywhere. That's torment. It is.
I have failed at school. I have no career. I contribute nothing to society. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror or photos. Neither can he. I know this. He is not happy. He can't be not happy and be happy to be with me. My children see a failure, a fuck up, a silly person who is incapable of doing things right. I sink deeper and deeper into depression. I spend money trying to placate myself, trying to make others happy. I try to do meaningful things with the kids, make memories. They are kids. They don't care right now. I try to have conversations, but no one wants to talk. My entire household has sunk into technology and that is all they care about. I get told I'm yappy, chatty, etc. I'm always hungry. My stomach is always upset. I throw up almost every morning. Though my pain levels vary, I am always in pain. And I have realized that most of the things I ever wanted in my life, I will never have. The things that are important to me are not important to anyone else. No one respects me. No one desires me, either.
People say I'm still young. But they don't know that I already feel old. I should be in the best years of my life. I should be able to go out and dance. I should have a healthy sex life. I should have a job to go to. I feel bitter and resentful and I feel my heart hardening. I have no sympathy for others anymore. I have turned into someone else. I hate this person. And I hate everything and everyone who has made me this way. I wish I could wipe the slate clean and start over. I wish I could enforce my marriage vows. I wish I could find myself. I wish I didn't have to shut parts of myself off to keep my sanity. I wish I didn't think of every minute of every day as one step closer to the end, wasted.
Wasted - wasted intellect, wasted talent, wasted heart, wasted enthusiasm and optimism, wasted love, wasted hopes and dreams, wasted ability, wasted space, wasted skin, wasted effort, every breath I take in is a waste of oxygen.
I don't know how to do anything anymore but cry when I am alone and fake a smile if I can when I am not alone. I feel so empty inside. I always thought of I was brave enough and strong enough and good enough and I worked hard and never gave up, I could overcome everything.
But I can't even be touched without feeling the pity of others. It makes me sick. Maybe that's why I throw up so much. And how can I be happy with someone who isn't happy?
Well I wanted to do something today. But, the damn YouTube video I was trying to learn from won't play. Why? I don't know. Could I find another one? Probably. But, I am hurting. Inside and out. It makes me wonder if trees that rot from the inside feel pain. Because they can't cry or scream or anything. And that's how I feel. It's like that dream I always used to have where something terrible is happening, I'm on trouble and I need help, or I'm being chased. I open my mouth to scream my most bloodcurdling scream. But nothing comes out. Nothing.
I feel like my every breath is wasted. There is just nothing. I keep trying to make there be something.
But, I am not a success story. Being here- people say that counts. Keeping on- that counts, they say. But, Sisyphus keeps trying. And never gets anywhere. That's torment. It is.
I have failed at school. I have no career. I contribute nothing to society. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror or photos. Neither can he. I know this. He is not happy. He can't be not happy and be happy to be with me. My children see a failure, a fuck up, a silly person who is incapable of doing things right. I sink deeper and deeper into depression. I spend money trying to placate myself, trying to make others happy. I try to do meaningful things with the kids, make memories. They are kids. They don't care right now. I try to have conversations, but no one wants to talk. My entire household has sunk into technology and that is all they care about. I get told I'm yappy, chatty, etc. I'm always hungry. My stomach is always upset. I throw up almost every morning. Though my pain levels vary, I am always in pain. And I have realized that most of the things I ever wanted in my life, I will never have. The things that are important to me are not important to anyone else. No one respects me. No one desires me, either.
People say I'm still young. But they don't know that I already feel old. I should be in the best years of my life. I should be able to go out and dance. I should have a healthy sex life. I should have a job to go to. I feel bitter and resentful and I feel my heart hardening. I have no sympathy for others anymore. I have turned into someone else. I hate this person. And I hate everything and everyone who has made me this way. I wish I could wipe the slate clean and start over. I wish I could enforce my marriage vows. I wish I could find myself. I wish I didn't have to shut parts of myself off to keep my sanity. I wish I didn't think of every minute of every day as one step closer to the end, wasted.
Wasted - wasted intellect, wasted talent, wasted heart, wasted enthusiasm and optimism, wasted love, wasted hopes and dreams, wasted ability, wasted space, wasted skin, wasted effort, every breath I take in is a waste of oxygen.
I don't know how to do anything anymore but cry when I am alone and fake a smile if I can when I am not alone. I feel so empty inside. I always thought of I was brave enough and strong enough and good enough and I worked hard and never gave up, I could overcome everything.
But I can't even be touched without feeling the pity of others. It makes me sick. Maybe that's why I throw up so much. And how can I be happy with someone who isn't happy?
Well I wanted to do something today. But, the damn YouTube video I was trying to learn from won't play. Why? I don't know. Could I find another one? Probably. But, I am hurting. Inside and out. It makes me wonder if trees that rot from the inside feel pain. Because they can't cry or scream or anything. And that's how I feel. It's like that dream I always used to have where something terrible is happening, I'm on trouble and I need help, or I'm being chased. I open my mouth to scream my most bloodcurdling scream. But nothing comes out. Nothing.