A Reflection...
I am 33 years old, a mother and a wife. My daily life is so very normal, average american, I never would have believed I could be here. My husband works long hours and we struggle to pay bills, my kids have issues, like any kid, health problems, finances, it's just all so very normal. That in itself, all that can be seen from the surface is a quiet acknowledgement that I have arrived. This is that place I always yearned for, the place of "normal". I am satisfied in coming here, I am okay with being here however long I am destined to stay, I am in no hurry to leave. Always, there is a rushing disquiet that pulls me and says to me "come, there is more to do." But, I am getting tired. I have lived an emotionally eventful life. Perhaps life is less about what actually occurs and more about the inner experiences brought on by those occurrences. I do not know where my life will take me next. Who ever does? But, there is a fear, rumbling inside of me. I may have come to a road I am not prepared for, one in which I will be a less independent person, less capable, at least in the physical sense. I fear that my body will atrophy while my mind cries out for stimulation and new experiences. BUt, if that is what is coming, I cannot change it. Acceptance is my only option.
There have been emotional phases in my life, ushered in by people and evenets. I suppose I am in a settled place today, though I may not been fully satisfied, my life's aspirations only barely realized, I am somewhat content to reap what I have sewn and live a bit off the land, as it were. But I have been a child, full of wonder and awe, I have lived a nightmare come to life.I have seen true horror and lived every moment that comes after it. I lived a crazy, spiraling out of control, rebellious youth. I fell in love, only to be brought up short by the cold fingers of aggression. I experienced the rush of the darkness, fantasies that are considered normal these days, except my vampires didn't glitter. I learned to use others, learned to use my affection to acquire my desires and procure that which I needed, how to protect my heart from being hurt again. I lived through failure and heart break. I lived through starting over in a new place with a new love. I lived through letting my fear rule me, basing my decisions and assumptions upon only the worst possible outcome. I lived through hurting people I truly loved because of my own inability to be at peace. Then, I died. I lived through that, too. I awoke to find truth, faith, beauty, and hope laying a path before me to follow. I learned to dance, to love, to be alive. Then, I lived through a natural disaster and loss. I learned to let go. I learned rebirth. I learned to start over, this time with a clean slate and a distinct purpose. Then, I lived bearing down and holding to that road until the goal is met. Then, I learned forgiveness. I learned the true meaning of selflessness. I lived allowing others to be accountable for their own actions. And I arrived here. A new experience.
I have been lucky all of my life to never have been truly physically ill. I have never had tonsillitis, appendicitis, or broken bones. My teeth were straight, my hair full, my complexion clear. My pain tolerance has always been high perhaps because any pain i had was intense but short lived.
I suppose it is time to make up for that. But, perhaps it has all been worth it, if this is the price I must pay, for above all, I have lived love. I loved a boy I met at a grocery store, and one who rode bulls on the weekends. I loved a boy with a classic mustang and one who had a demon's eyes. I have loved a high school beauty queen. I have loved above a river in the night air, by a spooky grave with a story to tell, under the full moon among dew damp grass and in the forest as daylight sparkled through the leaves. I have experienced affairs, the heartbeating stolen moments and heated kisses of forbidden love. have experienced the love of a man who left me, and the love of a man who came back for me, and a few who ran away with me, into the night. I have felt the fangs of love,too. The soul crushing hurt of angry words, and the joy of forgiveness and "making up". I have cried for lovers and because of them. I have loved what I cannot see, or touch. I have felt the love spawned by the tiniest finger, how it painfully implodes in my very being. I have endured hurts that are thrust upon me and I have endured the pain that comes from seeing myself hurt those I love, sometimes from never being able to express the knowledge that I know I was wrong, especially when that knowledge comes far too late. Love, not in it's tactile forms, but in the inner heart, that love that each individual can never express fully to another person, that which has no words, encompasses so many moments of my life. IN truth, whether my actions were right or wrong, my path evolved from fear or from faith in love....it could be said that every moment, every acton, was defined by a perception of love. Whether the highest high or the most agonizing low, being in love may be the very nature and reason for my existence.
I suppose that is the whole point. No mater that I am here, or that I was ever there, or that I may or may not ever arrive elsewhere, to have loved and been loved in return may be all that I was ever destined for and maybe that is okay.