Shambling towards a nap
I am faltering heavily, lately. I can't quite understand why. I know things are bad. But, there is a part of me that feels, perhaps in denial, that it can't truly be THAT bad. But, that is silly. Of course it can be that bad. Who am I kidding, right? The whole of the nation is going down the drain and my life is just another domino.
But, usually, I deal with things better than this. And usually, when I don't, it is a short term thing. But, this has been months now. Months. More than a few months. More than half a year. After this long, I am just getting exhausted. It is mentally draining to keep pulling my brain up by suspenders. The random funny things that happen in my life, that usually make me laugh, just leave me angrier and more tired.
For instance, I spent an hour last night trying to get a contact out of my eye. Thinking it must have sort of suction cupped itself on, I googled and did all the suggested things I could find and finally said forget it, ill deal with it tomorrow. Messed around with it some more this morning and now I am not at all sure there is even a contact in there. So, I just don't know. Normally, I would be killing myself with laughter over it. But, to say the least, I am not amused.
I don't know if things aren't well or I am not well, or both. Though some things aren't even optional, I find my mind wishing they were more and more often. How far is it from wishing, to wanting, to considering, to doing? Hopefully, farther than this next bag of powdered donuts.
I bought makeup yesterday. I absolutely did not have the money to. But, I really didn't fucking care. I am sick of being ugly. So, I bought it. And I put it on this morning, even though I am just sitting on the couch all day. I look better. Like I give a damn, even though I don't. Mostly, even though the scabs are visible, at least the red, angry skin from my nose to my collarbone is muted. More like something that is noticed secondarily, rather than a beacon drawing the eyes of even aliens from space. Better. It's just not fun answering the door to your teenager's friend and trying to cover your chin and neck while you talk. Or at the pharmacy, or grocery store, or anywhere else. So, I guess that is my transition from a girl who never needed makeup and therefore never wore any to a middle aged mom/wife who absolutely MUST wear makeup to not scare the neighbors.
I am supposed to be working on my school work. I have a project due tonight. I haven't done ANY of it. In fact, I haven't logged into class at all this week. I just don't give a shit. My mind is not engaged, my care is not enlisted. I have never felt so lazy towards any assignment, ever. It is the last project before my leave of absence, though. I know I should try. It's just....it doesn't feel worth it at this point. Why should I put out the effort for something that I may never get to use, ever? I have tried all of my old "focus" tricks. Nothing. Like kicking a horse that is so dead, it deflates when your foot hits it.
Maybe I need a nap. That does sound good. A nap. Work or nap? work or nap?
Ugh. Ill let you know how this turns out later.