I suppose it's time
...that I return to my real Lj like the prodigal son. How long has it been? I don't really know. Does it really matter? There is so much going on. So much.
I'm sitting in the hospital ring now. I'm on my 6th evening of being here, wearing my 6th iv, very close to my next dose of delaudid. I'm still on liquid only foods. My right hand is hard to type with as every finger has been poked many times. We will start using the other hand for blood sugar checks tomorrow.
Somewhere amid my pain drug induced dreams and my lack of a weeks worth of my sanity meds, through the swirling craziness in my brain and all that was false trying to claw me down, I heard a truth. It was jolting and I don't know how to deal with it. But it was truth nonetheless.
Many years ago, I asked god to make a choice for me. I said give me a family or give me a career, but whichever you choose for me, give me one now. From that moment forward, I have been struggling to build a career. Even though two weeks later, I found that I was pregnant. God answered my prayers and I have never listened. And every career I try to build crashes and burns or doesn't feel right or....something. The only thing that really makes me happy in life is my family. So now I wonder, what do I do?
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