Being an Objective and Entirely Unbiased Commentary on the Canadian National Election
I keep saying that if I ever hear the word 'election' again, I will bite somebody's head off, but here I am, making another political post. Mostly because the national debate totally cracked me up and was millions of times more entertaining than the American one (and because our election is tomorrow), but there you have it. (Really, I'm just sick.)
I tried to make fun of everyone in equal amounts, but some people are easier to mock than others.
CAST
STEPHEN HARPER, Prime Minister, Conservative leader, and Official Prick
STEPHANE DION, Leader of the Opposition, Liberal leader, and card-carrying member of the Intelligentsia
GILES DUCEPPE, Bloc Quebecois Leader (AKA separatist)
JACK LAYTON, NDP leader and loose cannon
ELIZABETH MAY, Green Party leader and National Spitfire
Moderator STEVE PAIKIN, whose job is to look terribly amused and prevent the above from clawing each other to death or causing other bodily harm
The Scene: A Round Table (because we like to maintain illusions of chivalry) around which ALL are sitting, surprisingly diplomatically located, i.e. LAYTON and HARPER are not next to each other.
MODERATOR: Okay, so how about we play a little game, and go round the table with some introductions. My name is Steve, and I like woolly sweaters, puppies, and long walks on the beach. Ms May?
MAY: Thanks, Steve. So, Mr Harper, if you want to actually answer the questions tonight, that would be cool.
HARPER: Uh... How about no?
LAYTON: Either you don't care, or you're incompetent!
HARPER: Tax reduction package! Money to the people! *iz condescending*
DION: *waits politely*
MAY: You're out of touch with people, if you don't think people who are worried about losing their jobs and their homes!
DION: *waits politely*
MAY: Mr Harper, do you still think the unemployed are still doing just fine? Because you really should read the OEC report!
LAYTON: Yeah, I don't know where you're getting your information! Have you noticed the economic crisis?
DION: We need a government that believes in the government being there for the people!
LAYTON: So why did you let him stay in power so long?
DUCEPPE: Reimbursable tax credits?
MODERATOR: And with that warm-up round of Oh, burn, let's move on to some questions! Are those jobs gone for good?
HARPER: No! It's why we have a cunning science and technology plan!
DUCEPPE: How about... reimbursable tax credits!
MAY: You claim to care about family... So why are you making them move across the country?
LAYTON: We could be self-sustainable, if you guys hadn't been tools! Green cars! Lumber! We wouldn't have to buy our own shit back!
DION: I told you guys that we should keep the manufacturing industry going, but no... But we, too, have a cunning plan!
DUCEPPE: Is it tax reimbursement?
HARPER: We're already doing the very specific things that you are suggesting.
EVERYONE ELSE: Erm... no.
HARPER (clutching at straws): It's not a recession, it's an economic slow down!
EVERYONE ELSE: Oh, dear, here come the delusions.
EVERYONE: DEVOLVES INTO MADNESS.
LAYTON (breaks free of shouting match): WHERE IS THE PLAN?
MODERATOR: You all say you won't go in deficit ever. Is that really realistic?
HARPER: Of course!
MAY: Which is why you're buying coast guard ships overseas rather than having them built here?
MODERATOR: Question two! Sustainable economy? Taxes?
DION: We have a cunning plan!
DUCEPPE: Ooooh, ooooh, I know zis one! Tax reimbursement?
DION: No, saving the environment.
HARPER: I can has a greenhouse gas reduction plan? I can! I can! We need to make sure our economy and our environment are in balance!
LAYTON: His plan is obviously delusional, because it's not really a plan.
DUCEPPE: We could actually use Kyoto!
ALL TOGETHER: No reimbursements?
DUCEPPE: Well... that too. However, the polluters have to pay!
MAY: Saving the environment will actually help the economy, kids. I shall quote Bill Clinton to prove it! And point you in the general of Sweden and Germany!
DION: Yeah!
ALL: *blinks* Are people actually agreeing?
EVERYONE BUT HARPER: Actually, we all kind of do...
MODERATOR: Cool! Open floor on the topic of the environment!
HARPER: Oh, shit.
EVERYONE ELSE: And this is where we actually get to look competent!
QUESTION: Doctor crisis!
LAYTON: We have a plan to increase our doctors by 50%-we'll forgive their student debts! Whereas Harper wants to hand it over to the provinces! *snorts* Leadership, indeed.
DUCEPPE: How about the national government respects Quebec! *tosses in gratuitous aboriginal reference*
MAY: I blame the 90's-the cutbacks soooooo didn't work. We need people who actually believe in universal health care to fix this.
DION: What she says!
HARPER: I agree with our national spitfire, but we've been working with the provinces and giving them money, just FYI.
LAYTON: You heartless bastard, you lie! You betray the memory of Tommy Douglas!
HARPER: Unlike all of you, I actually use the public health care system.
ALL: We've never used private clinics! *devolves into madness*
HARPER (breaking free: Actually, I have a plan! I like public health care!
DION: *waits patiently*
MODERATOR: Mr Dion?
DION: I have a better plan!
LAYTON: Well, at least his isn't hiding under that really hideous sweater vest.
HARPER: Hey, at least I don't have a pervy mustache.
LAYTON: This sexy thing?
MAY: Actually, I blame the 90's and the international pressure to rip apart our sacred trust. And if you like it so much, why did you call us a failed North American state?
HARPER: *winces* I knew my crazy youth would come back to beat me to death in the form of this crazy spitfire.
MODERATOR: Time to diffuse the sexual tension... Stephane Dion, wanna help us out?
NEW QUESTION: What do the arts mean to you?
DUCEPPE: They are deeply important to me... My entire family is involved in theatre-it is why my delicate flushes are feigned so naturally!
MAY: I totally read that Atwood article! We must support the creative class-no matter their point of view!
DION: Hear, hear!
HARPER: My family is very artistic, too! And I play the piano... Terribly, of course. We've actually got a plan-tax credits for kids pursuing artistic activities!
LAYTON: But... the artists can't afford that!
MODERATOR: So... are Conservatives barbarians?
DION: Yup! The arts are their enemies!
DUCEPPE: Yesh.
HARPER: You people are ridiculous!
MAY: No, they aren't barbarians, and Harper doesn't hate the arts... He just doesn't really like them! And thinks it will help him to make little mean-spirited digs.
MODERATOR: Ooookay...
NEXT QUESTION: What's up with the violent crime increase?
MAY: It's not actually going up-the news is misleading. However, stricter laws are good, and we need to ban handguns!
DION: Behind each crime, is a human tragedy. Therefore, we need to be tough on crime and its causes-poverty, addiction, mental illness.
HARPER: Actually, there is some increase in some parts of the country... *peels back suit to reveal spandex-y Superman outfit* And we're going to fight it!
ALL: So did not need to see that.
LAYTON: Which is why you didn't get around to funding those youth programs?
MAY: I have an inspiring story to share, kids, because sharing is caring! I know a police officer who had to write up reports for young offenders because they weren't functionally literate. Now he volunteers for a literacy program at the local library... Brings tears to my eyes.
ALL: *ignore moment of potential personal and emotional growth*
HARPER: I soooo didn't cut that!
LAYTON: O, RLY?
DION: How about we trust our judges? It might look like we actually know what we're doing...
HARPER: Well, it's the judges that we're giving additional discretion too...
LAYTON: What about the aboriginal situation?
MODERATOR: Is that really his fault?
LAYTON: No, but we need to do something collectively.
MODERATOR: Right, children! How about Afghanistan?
LAYTON: We need to be a voice for peace!
MAY: We left behind a vacuum last round-we need to find out what they want. Everything we've done will turn them to the Taliban-we need to turn poppies into drugs with medicinal properties instead!
DION: Gradual removal is cool!
HARPER: We need to let the Afghans do it for themselves! And it's a UN-approved mission.
LAYTON: Erm... And we don't trust you because...?
ALL: Because, erm, you were the only one out of us who thought Iraq was a good idea?
HARPER: We're... not in Iraq.
DION: Because you weren't in office at the time...
HARPER: That was an error! I took them at face value!
DUCEPPE: Are you admitting to making an error?
Harper: That was...
DUCEPPE: My ears, they deceive me!
ALL: *faints*
MODERATOR: So, as we bring about the smelling salts to revive our national leaders, I'll have yet another random read out a question!
NEXT QUESTION: I'm just hanging out building my shed... And I'm curious. What is the first thing you would do if you get in office?
LAYTON: Replace that ridiculous tax cut with with money into infrastructure.
DUCEPPE: I don't want to be Prime Minister, and I have the ridings cunningly arranged so that it won't happen, but... I'd start helping the manufacturing sector, the seniors, applying Kyoto, and... Help out the Quebec nation. I'm Bloc. It's what I do.
MAY: I'd really like to help you build the shed, because as a single mother, I know how to multi-task! So, while I do that, I'll also deal with carbon emissions.
DION: We need to take care of the economic crisis! You savings, your mortgage, your pension, because we, alone out of the parties, love you!
HARPER: We're going to make tax cuts! And have tax credits! And help out small business!
LAYTON: Protect the people who are facing these issues, you tool!
HARPER: I thought that's what I was doing...
MAY: Oooh! Oooh! Idea! Let's reduce income taxes and increase carbon taxes!
DION: http://www.thegreenshift.ca, bitches.
MAY: My head, it hits this desk, and I don't know why!
FINAL QUESTION: So, why should I actually vote? How can I decide between you group of hypocrites?
DUCEPPE: We need to pay attention to what people do after the election!
MAY: We're losing public trust, because of broken promises-so we need to vote with what you believe in, and always demand better, regardless of party! And, since I'm the only one who hasn't yet been corrupted by proximity to the Parliament buildings, I'm the only one to trust.
DION: Well, we as the Liberals generally do good stuff!
HARPER: We're lucky to be a democracy-and we should exercise that. Just look at our platform!
LAYTON: You don't have a platform this round... *prods Harper's sweater* Besides, it's time for a new party! I'll bring the beer. Socialist beer.
DION: I like to change my mind when I feel it is advantageous-but only for the better! I only wish to be clear on what I want to do... but I'm not sure what that is!
LAYTON: Which is why we have all these broken promises? Harper never promised to give Exxon a tax cut!
MODERATOR: Okay, that's it my duckies! Fabulous job all of you, and I suppose we'll see how all this turned out when we vote! However, Stephen Harper, you are an arrogant little tool; Stephane Dion, you'll rock on diplomatic missions, but not so much in debates; Jack Layton-see above comments re: Harper; Giles Duceppe, thanks for wasting our time... And a very special thank you to our national spitfire, Elizabeth May, who will probably never come closer to power than where she is right now, but it's still awesome that she was better at debating than all the rest of you.
As you may have noticed, I cannot stand Harper-he's a smug bully who can't foster a variety of opinion, and, notably, was the only one in the campaign who has been going to town with smear ads, which are always a sure way to earn my permanent contempt and loathing. The fact that he waited so long to release his platform creeps me out a bit, and doesn't give off the sense of really being committed to it-to me, it says that he's relying on his personal charm to get him in office, and he has all the charisma of a cardboard box. No, scrap that, the cardboard box is winning.
I do actually really like Dion, but I think he's too much of an intellectual to really have mass appeal, which is a shame because his tendency to wait his turn and listen to other people (notice all the intelligent people who are prominent in the Liberals) strikes me as classy and intelligent rather than weak. I'd like the NDP and think that they would make a strong opposition, if not for Layton, because dear God is he insane. Just doesn't know when to shut his mouth or mince his words, and I shudder to think what his idea of peace talks would be.
I was, however, highly impressed with May-she was in a room full of people with much more experience than her, more credibility on the national stage, etc., and she held her own, managing to critique Harper and not pull a Jack Layton. She knows that the chances of winning even a seat for her party are slim, but she still took the whole thing seriously and, well, did her job as party leader, and I have a lot of respect for that. At the moment, I'm torn between voting Liberal and voting Green-the former would be strategic, but... but... Sigh. I suppose it will come down to an impulse decision tomorrow.
Right, back to papers.
I tried to make fun of everyone in equal amounts, but some people are easier to mock than others.
CAST
STEPHEN HARPER, Prime Minister, Conservative leader, and Official Prick
STEPHANE DION, Leader of the Opposition, Liberal leader, and card-carrying member of the Intelligentsia
GILES DUCEPPE, Bloc Quebecois Leader (AKA separatist)
JACK LAYTON, NDP leader and loose cannon
ELIZABETH MAY, Green Party leader and National Spitfire
Moderator STEVE PAIKIN, whose job is to look terribly amused and prevent the above from clawing each other to death or causing other bodily harm
The Scene: A Round Table (because we like to maintain illusions of chivalry) around which ALL are sitting, surprisingly diplomatically located, i.e. LAYTON and HARPER are not next to each other.
MODERATOR: Okay, so how about we play a little game, and go round the table with some introductions. My name is Steve, and I like woolly sweaters, puppies, and long walks on the beach. Ms May?
MAY: Thanks, Steve. So, Mr Harper, if you want to actually answer the questions tonight, that would be cool.
HARPER: Uh... How about no?
LAYTON: Either you don't care, or you're incompetent!
HARPER: Tax reduction package! Money to the people! *iz condescending*
DION: *waits politely*
MAY: You're out of touch with people, if you don't think people who are worried about losing their jobs and their homes!
DION: *waits politely*
MAY: Mr Harper, do you still think the unemployed are still doing just fine? Because you really should read the OEC report!
LAYTON: Yeah, I don't know where you're getting your information! Have you noticed the economic crisis?
DION: We need a government that believes in the government being there for the people!
LAYTON: So why did you let him stay in power so long?
DUCEPPE: Reimbursable tax credits?
MODERATOR: And with that warm-up round of Oh, burn, let's move on to some questions! Are those jobs gone for good?
HARPER: No! It's why we have a cunning science and technology plan!
DUCEPPE: How about... reimbursable tax credits!
MAY: You claim to care about family... So why are you making them move across the country?
LAYTON: We could be self-sustainable, if you guys hadn't been tools! Green cars! Lumber! We wouldn't have to buy our own shit back!
DION: I told you guys that we should keep the manufacturing industry going, but no... But we, too, have a cunning plan!
DUCEPPE: Is it tax reimbursement?
HARPER: We're already doing the very specific things that you are suggesting.
EVERYONE ELSE: Erm... no.
HARPER (clutching at straws): It's not a recession, it's an economic slow down!
EVERYONE ELSE: Oh, dear, here come the delusions.
EVERYONE: DEVOLVES INTO MADNESS.
LAYTON (breaks free of shouting match): WHERE IS THE PLAN?
MODERATOR: You all say you won't go in deficit ever. Is that really realistic?
HARPER: Of course!
MAY: Which is why you're buying coast guard ships overseas rather than having them built here?
MODERATOR: Question two! Sustainable economy? Taxes?
DION: We have a cunning plan!
DUCEPPE: Ooooh, ooooh, I know zis one! Tax reimbursement?
DION: No, saving the environment.
HARPER: I can has a greenhouse gas reduction plan? I can! I can! We need to make sure our economy and our environment are in balance!
LAYTON: His plan is obviously delusional, because it's not really a plan.
DUCEPPE: We could actually use Kyoto!
ALL TOGETHER: No reimbursements?
DUCEPPE: Well... that too. However, the polluters have to pay!
MAY: Saving the environment will actually help the economy, kids. I shall quote Bill Clinton to prove it! And point you in the general of Sweden and Germany!
DION: Yeah!
ALL: *blinks* Are people actually agreeing?
EVERYONE BUT HARPER: Actually, we all kind of do...
MODERATOR: Cool! Open floor on the topic of the environment!
HARPER: Oh, shit.
EVERYONE ELSE: And this is where we actually get to look competent!
QUESTION: Doctor crisis!
LAYTON: We have a plan to increase our doctors by 50%-we'll forgive their student debts! Whereas Harper wants to hand it over to the provinces! *snorts* Leadership, indeed.
DUCEPPE: How about the national government respects Quebec! *tosses in gratuitous aboriginal reference*
MAY: I blame the 90's-the cutbacks soooooo didn't work. We need people who actually believe in universal health care to fix this.
DION: What she says!
HARPER: I agree with our national spitfire, but we've been working with the provinces and giving them money, just FYI.
LAYTON: You heartless bastard, you lie! You betray the memory of Tommy Douglas!
HARPER: Unlike all of you, I actually use the public health care system.
ALL: We've never used private clinics! *devolves into madness*
HARPER (breaking free: Actually, I have a plan! I like public health care!
DION: *waits patiently*
MODERATOR: Mr Dion?
DION: I have a better plan!
LAYTON: Well, at least his isn't hiding under that really hideous sweater vest.
HARPER: Hey, at least I don't have a pervy mustache.
LAYTON: This sexy thing?
MAY: Actually, I blame the 90's and the international pressure to rip apart our sacred trust. And if you like it so much, why did you call us a failed North American state?
HARPER: *winces* I knew my crazy youth would come back to beat me to death in the form of this crazy spitfire.
MODERATOR: Time to diffuse the sexual tension... Stephane Dion, wanna help us out?
NEW QUESTION: What do the arts mean to you?
DUCEPPE: They are deeply important to me... My entire family is involved in theatre-it is why my delicate flushes are feigned so naturally!
MAY: I totally read that Atwood article! We must support the creative class-no matter their point of view!
DION: Hear, hear!
HARPER: My family is very artistic, too! And I play the piano... Terribly, of course. We've actually got a plan-tax credits for kids pursuing artistic activities!
LAYTON: But... the artists can't afford that!
MODERATOR: So... are Conservatives barbarians?
DION: Yup! The arts are their enemies!
DUCEPPE: Yesh.
HARPER: You people are ridiculous!
MAY: No, they aren't barbarians, and Harper doesn't hate the arts... He just doesn't really like them! And thinks it will help him to make little mean-spirited digs.
MODERATOR: Ooookay...
NEXT QUESTION: What's up with the violent crime increase?
MAY: It's not actually going up-the news is misleading. However, stricter laws are good, and we need to ban handguns!
DION: Behind each crime, is a human tragedy. Therefore, we need to be tough on crime and its causes-poverty, addiction, mental illness.
HARPER: Actually, there is some increase in some parts of the country... *peels back suit to reveal spandex-y Superman outfit* And we're going to fight it!
ALL: So did not need to see that.
LAYTON: Which is why you didn't get around to funding those youth programs?
MAY: I have an inspiring story to share, kids, because sharing is caring! I know a police officer who had to write up reports for young offenders because they weren't functionally literate. Now he volunteers for a literacy program at the local library... Brings tears to my eyes.
ALL: *ignore moment of potential personal and emotional growth*
HARPER: I soooo didn't cut that!
LAYTON: O, RLY?
DION: How about we trust our judges? It might look like we actually know what we're doing...
HARPER: Well, it's the judges that we're giving additional discretion too...
LAYTON: What about the aboriginal situation?
MODERATOR: Is that really his fault?
LAYTON: No, but we need to do something collectively.
MODERATOR: Right, children! How about Afghanistan?
LAYTON: We need to be a voice for peace!
MAY: We left behind a vacuum last round-we need to find out what they want. Everything we've done will turn them to the Taliban-we need to turn poppies into drugs with medicinal properties instead!
DION: Gradual removal is cool!
HARPER: We need to let the Afghans do it for themselves! And it's a UN-approved mission.
LAYTON: Erm... And we don't trust you because...?
ALL: Because, erm, you were the only one out of us who thought Iraq was a good idea?
HARPER: We're... not in Iraq.
DION: Because you weren't in office at the time...
HARPER: That was an error! I took them at face value!
DUCEPPE: Are you admitting to making an error?
Harper: That was...
DUCEPPE: My ears, they deceive me!
ALL: *faints*
MODERATOR: So, as we bring about the smelling salts to revive our national leaders, I'll have yet another random read out a question!
NEXT QUESTION: I'm just hanging out building my shed... And I'm curious. What is the first thing you would do if you get in office?
LAYTON: Replace that ridiculous tax cut with with money into infrastructure.
DUCEPPE: I don't want to be Prime Minister, and I have the ridings cunningly arranged so that it won't happen, but... I'd start helping the manufacturing sector, the seniors, applying Kyoto, and... Help out the Quebec nation. I'm Bloc. It's what I do.
MAY: I'd really like to help you build the shed, because as a single mother, I know how to multi-task! So, while I do that, I'll also deal with carbon emissions.
DION: We need to take care of the economic crisis! You savings, your mortgage, your pension, because we, alone out of the parties, love you!
HARPER: We're going to make tax cuts! And have tax credits! And help out small business!
LAYTON: Protect the people who are facing these issues, you tool!
HARPER: I thought that's what I was doing...
MAY: Oooh! Oooh! Idea! Let's reduce income taxes and increase carbon taxes!
DION: http://www.thegreenshift.ca, bitches.
MAY: My head, it hits this desk, and I don't know why!
FINAL QUESTION: So, why should I actually vote? How can I decide between you group of hypocrites?
DUCEPPE: We need to pay attention to what people do after the election!
MAY: We're losing public trust, because of broken promises-so we need to vote with what you believe in, and always demand better, regardless of party! And, since I'm the only one who hasn't yet been corrupted by proximity to the Parliament buildings, I'm the only one to trust.
DION: Well, we as the Liberals generally do good stuff!
HARPER: We're lucky to be a democracy-and we should exercise that. Just look at our platform!
LAYTON: You don't have a platform this round... *prods Harper's sweater* Besides, it's time for a new party! I'll bring the beer. Socialist beer.
DION: I like to change my mind when I feel it is advantageous-but only for the better! I only wish to be clear on what I want to do... but I'm not sure what that is!
LAYTON: Which is why we have all these broken promises? Harper never promised to give Exxon a tax cut!
MODERATOR: Okay, that's it my duckies! Fabulous job all of you, and I suppose we'll see how all this turned out when we vote! However, Stephen Harper, you are an arrogant little tool; Stephane Dion, you'll rock on diplomatic missions, but not so much in debates; Jack Layton-see above comments re: Harper; Giles Duceppe, thanks for wasting our time... And a very special thank you to our national spitfire, Elizabeth May, who will probably never come closer to power than where she is right now, but it's still awesome that she was better at debating than all the rest of you.
As you may have noticed, I cannot stand Harper-he's a smug bully who can't foster a variety of opinion, and, notably, was the only one in the campaign who has been going to town with smear ads, which are always a sure way to earn my permanent contempt and loathing. The fact that he waited so long to release his platform creeps me out a bit, and doesn't give off the sense of really being committed to it-to me, it says that he's relying on his personal charm to get him in office, and he has all the charisma of a cardboard box. No, scrap that, the cardboard box is winning.
I do actually really like Dion, but I think he's too much of an intellectual to really have mass appeal, which is a shame because his tendency to wait his turn and listen to other people (notice all the intelligent people who are prominent in the Liberals) strikes me as classy and intelligent rather than weak. I'd like the NDP and think that they would make a strong opposition, if not for Layton, because dear God is he insane. Just doesn't know when to shut his mouth or mince his words, and I shudder to think what his idea of peace talks would be.
I was, however, highly impressed with May-she was in a room full of people with much more experience than her, more credibility on the national stage, etc., and she held her own, managing to critique Harper and not pull a Jack Layton. She knows that the chances of winning even a seat for her party are slim, but she still took the whole thing seriously and, well, did her job as party leader, and I have a lot of respect for that. At the moment, I'm torn between voting Liberal and voting Green-the former would be strategic, but... but... Sigh. I suppose it will come down to an impulse decision tomorrow.
Right, back to papers.