My recent attempts at reading fanfic...
Have gone something like this. (I name no names and point no fingers! Except in the general direction of shitfic, which is to say everywhere.)
SUMMARY: Lots of hawt sex! I suck at sumeries!
ME: Sumarians? Who is sucking off Sumerians? What on God's green earth do they have to do with Harry Potter fanfic? *clicks* What can possibly go wrong?
FIC: La, la, la, smut... His throbbing manhood... Her throws of ecstasy... DRIPPING ORIFICES!
ME: DRIPPING ORIFICES?! I think I would have preferred the ancient Sumerian sex...
A dripping orifice doesn't sound like it belongs to a human being; it should only exist on oozing swamp monsters and aliens from planets like that one that Yoda spends a couple of decades hanging out on. The dripping orifices probably belong to the fourth, unknown danger of the Fireswamp (which means that they should stay in The Princess Bride, where they belong).
Dripping orifices are not sexy; they are dangerous.
Since, dear flistly creatures, I am very fond of you, and would hate to see you fall prey to the hazardous creatures equipped with dripping orifices through the evolutionary process, I present you with a guide to protection from soul-sucking dripping orifices.
1) It must be remembered that avoidance is key to staying safe from the Unnamed Creature of the Dripping Orifice. Thus, be sure to abstain from entering the Fireswamp/landing on Yoda's creepy little planet in hopes of being trained as a Jedi Knight/approaching any sort of geographical formation that looks as though slime would be a benefit to evolution.
2) If you must approach such a location because you are running from the evil Prince Humperdink/Luke Skywalker on a mission/a free-spirited adventurer seeking honour, glory, and the spreading of your seed, bring protection! This may come in many forms: a lightsaber should you be so inclined, a wand, even an ordinary, run of the mill sword (esp. if made by the dead father of the man you just vanquished). There are other options, such as repellent, that can be purchased, but we prefer these because of the phallic and somewhat misogynistic symbology that fanfic writers appear to be inherently equipped with.
3) If you find yourself taken in by the mucous-oozing hole in spite of these precautions, do not fear! Just make sure that you are equipped with the proper lubrication for slippery removal (we recommend the tingling mint-flavoured stuff, as it will hold the foul taste and revolting stench at bay). This step is particularly vital: it is important to remember that what appears to be a slippery hole may be dry and thus painful during the extraction process on the inside.
4) Once outside, run wherever you like, for you have nothing else to fear. Nothing, for even the swords, wands, and lightsabers of others are preferable to the certain doom of a dripping orifice.
Gosh, that phallic and misogynistic imagery again. It must be significant-maybe I'll go write some slash.
SUMMARY: Lots of hawt sex! I suck at sumeries!
ME: Sumarians? Who is sucking off Sumerians? What on God's green earth do they have to do with Harry Potter fanfic? *clicks* What can possibly go wrong?
FIC: La, la, la, smut... His throbbing manhood... Her throws of ecstasy... DRIPPING ORIFICES!
ME: DRIPPING ORIFICES?! I think I would have preferred the ancient Sumerian sex...
A dripping orifice doesn't sound like it belongs to a human being; it should only exist on oozing swamp monsters and aliens from planets like that one that Yoda spends a couple of decades hanging out on. The dripping orifices probably belong to the fourth, unknown danger of the Fireswamp (which means that they should stay in The Princess Bride, where they belong).
Dripping orifices are not sexy; they are dangerous.
Since, dear flistly creatures, I am very fond of you, and would hate to see you fall prey to the hazardous creatures equipped with dripping orifices through the evolutionary process, I present you with a guide to protection from soul-sucking dripping orifices.
1) It must be remembered that avoidance is key to staying safe from the Unnamed Creature of the Dripping Orifice. Thus, be sure to abstain from entering the Fireswamp/landing on Yoda's creepy little planet in hopes of being trained as a Jedi Knight/approaching any sort of geographical formation that looks as though slime would be a benefit to evolution.
2) If you must approach such a location because you are running from the evil Prince Humperdink/Luke Skywalker on a mission/a free-spirited adventurer seeking honour, glory, and the spreading of your seed, bring protection! This may come in many forms: a lightsaber should you be so inclined, a wand, even an ordinary, run of the mill sword (esp. if made by the dead father of the man you just vanquished). There are other options, such as repellent, that can be purchased, but we prefer these because of the phallic and somewhat misogynistic symbology that fanfic writers appear to be inherently equipped with.
3) If you find yourself taken in by the mucous-oozing hole in spite of these precautions, do not fear! Just make sure that you are equipped with the proper lubrication for slippery removal (we recommend the tingling mint-flavoured stuff, as it will hold the foul taste and revolting stench at bay). This step is particularly vital: it is important to remember that what appears to be a slippery hole may be dry and thus painful during the extraction process on the inside.
4) Once outside, run wherever you like, for you have nothing else to fear. Nothing, for even the swords, wands, and lightsabers of others are preferable to the certain doom of a dripping orifice.
Gosh, that phallic and misogynistic imagery again. It must be significant-maybe I'll go write some slash.