(no subject)
Hey all,
So last weekend, and this weekend have been really weird emotionally. Last weekend I went to my parents to see my friend test for his 5th degree black belt (which he got, yay Jesse!), and it was so good to see him. Seeing him made me realize how much I missed him. How much I've been missing in my life. Cause, here's the thing. Life in State College is really easy - get up, go to work, come back, hang out by myself or with other really laid back friends and game. Cook. Read a lot. But it doesn't make me feel alive and it doesn't challenge me. I'm coasting here, not making plans for my future, not figuring out what I want to do, and not having the close, intimate friendships I need (except for one person).
Seeing my friends last weekend, not just Jesse, but all of them, and being back at my dojang made me realize how emotionally numb I've been over the past year. I think part of it was Ryan dying, and the grieving process that was so much harder than it needed to be because I didn't have my closest friends with me. And June 12th, Friday, was the one year anniversary. And I feel now like I can get on with things, like I was taking a break from caring. And I want to care, I want to not be this shell of a person that I've been. I miss me.
You know what else I miss? Tae Kwon Do, not just the physical exertion and the patterns and the discipline and the enjoyment of the art itself, but the people. No less than 6 people asked me if I was coming back, like they really wanted me to come back. And I realized how much of a family that was to me in high school, how close I really got to those people. I miss that. And Jesse is a huge huge part of that - when I saw him and hugged him it was like being home. Last time I saw him was my 21st birthday, and he called me “my girl” (which I didn't mind coming from him) when he hugged me; and he's said that he's glad I'm his family before. And I feel so guilty for losing touch over the past few years. And yea, I love him, he knows that. I wanted to kiss him at the test. I don't know if he knows that part.
And my other friends - Jon, Ray, Rosy - it was good to see them. I feel like I've been ignoring them too, to the detriment of our relationships. Ray has been through so much in the past year or two and I feel like I should have been there though some or all of that. And I feel like we can't communicate like we used to, which bums me out. Jon's become so...jaded? Bitter? Cynical? And maybe he's always been that way and I didn't notice, but I don't think he was this extreme about it before. I'm worried about him. And Rosy had so much on her plate to worry about, money, jobs, finances - you know, the same thing probably most of the US populous is worrying about.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like some of the people who would have helped me a year ago probably think I'm crazy or something. I certainly haven't been myself in about a year. I'm starting to come out of that, but still...I'll figure it out. I suppose.
In other news, at the test, a lot of the other people there who knew me from before called me ma'am. In that environment it's a sign of respect, of their acknowledging that you've earned this title, that you've earned their respect. It's the first time anyone's called me that in that context since I came out, and I found that I didn't hate it. In fact, I was rather touched that they still acknowledge me that way. I mean, if I was going to go back I might ask to be called sir anyhow, but I didn't mind the ma'am. When people you admire, that you look up to and respect as artists and teachers and people, acknowledge that you are still a black belt and a fellow Tae Kwon Do artist and remember you - well, there is no bad in that.
And I also reverted to formality (except with Jesse and Phil, who I consider close friends) - Mr./Mrs./Ms. Fill-in-the-Blank, and sir and ma'am and the bowing - like I had just been there the week before. It felt natural; I guess it should after 6 or 7 years of it, even if it's been a long time since then. I dunno, it still felt like I belonged. I don't know what to do about that yet either.
Xan
So last weekend, and this weekend have been really weird emotionally. Last weekend I went to my parents to see my friend test for his 5th degree black belt (which he got, yay Jesse!), and it was so good to see him. Seeing him made me realize how much I missed him. How much I've been missing in my life. Cause, here's the thing. Life in State College is really easy - get up, go to work, come back, hang out by myself or with other really laid back friends and game. Cook. Read a lot. But it doesn't make me feel alive and it doesn't challenge me. I'm coasting here, not making plans for my future, not figuring out what I want to do, and not having the close, intimate friendships I need (except for one person).
Seeing my friends last weekend, not just Jesse, but all of them, and being back at my dojang made me realize how emotionally numb I've been over the past year. I think part of it was Ryan dying, and the grieving process that was so much harder than it needed to be because I didn't have my closest friends with me. And June 12th, Friday, was the one year anniversary. And I feel now like I can get on with things, like I was taking a break from caring. And I want to care, I want to not be this shell of a person that I've been. I miss me.
You know what else I miss? Tae Kwon Do, not just the physical exertion and the patterns and the discipline and the enjoyment of the art itself, but the people. No less than 6 people asked me if I was coming back, like they really wanted me to come back. And I realized how much of a family that was to me in high school, how close I really got to those people. I miss that. And Jesse is a huge huge part of that - when I saw him and hugged him it was like being home. Last time I saw him was my 21st birthday, and he called me “my girl” (which I didn't mind coming from him) when he hugged me; and he's said that he's glad I'm his family before. And I feel so guilty for losing touch over the past few years. And yea, I love him, he knows that. I wanted to kiss him at the test. I don't know if he knows that part.
And my other friends - Jon, Ray, Rosy - it was good to see them. I feel like I've been ignoring them too, to the detriment of our relationships. Ray has been through so much in the past year or two and I feel like I should have been there though some or all of that. And I feel like we can't communicate like we used to, which bums me out. Jon's become so...jaded? Bitter? Cynical? And maybe he's always been that way and I didn't notice, but I don't think he was this extreme about it before. I'm worried about him. And Rosy had so much on her plate to worry about, money, jobs, finances - you know, the same thing probably most of the US populous is worrying about.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like some of the people who would have helped me a year ago probably think I'm crazy or something. I certainly haven't been myself in about a year. I'm starting to come out of that, but still...I'll figure it out. I suppose.
In other news, at the test, a lot of the other people there who knew me from before called me ma'am. In that environment it's a sign of respect, of their acknowledging that you've earned this title, that you've earned their respect. It's the first time anyone's called me that in that context since I came out, and I found that I didn't hate it. In fact, I was rather touched that they still acknowledge me that way. I mean, if I was going to go back I might ask to be called sir anyhow, but I didn't mind the ma'am. When people you admire, that you look up to and respect as artists and teachers and people, acknowledge that you are still a black belt and a fellow Tae Kwon Do artist and remember you - well, there is no bad in that.
And I also reverted to formality (except with Jesse and Phil, who I consider close friends) - Mr./Mrs./Ms. Fill-in-the-Blank, and sir and ma'am and the bowing - like I had just been there the week before. It felt natural; I guess it should after 6 or 7 years of it, even if it's been a long time since then. I dunno, it still felt like I belonged. I don't know what to do about that yet either.
Xan