I am Lost And Dont Know What To Do.....
Hello:
As you know, I am Sikolto,
Screamer to my Hungarian Friends,
Tom, To My English Friends:
I had what had to be the worst manic attack that I have ever had in my life. At this moment I am still shaking, I am nervous and it all came down to something as simple as going to Wal-Mart during the day. I don't do days very well.
I am a night person. I am agoraphobic and because of something that happened to me when I was very small, about 11 to 13, that I have never dealt with , I choose to stay inside and iI choose to not to be around many people. Whenever I am out, during the day, I usually have to let someone to drive. I do not handle pressure very well. I begin to go into episodes that mimic "Rain-Man".
I cannot speak, I cannot be inside unless it is on my terms, if inside, that is a joke, because I do not know how to interact with others. I cannot stand crowds. What can I say? I am a God blessed freak that needs not attention but just some guidance., I want to act like a normal "Human being". For God's sake, I feel like Piece of crap and I cannot take it at times.
I go to my Priest who tells me that I need to talk to the Lord and he says that he will guide me into the right direction. Um, well, so far, I guess the suicide attempts one of which worked and got me to flat line twice in a hospital on Christmas Eve 2007 was not enough to let him know that I needed some one give me some into my situation. Damn! I didn't come there for a counsel by a word of mouth, I need answers and this is by a person that is suppose to be the voice of the all mighty.
My Mother, Bless her heart, goes to a Pentecostal Church and tells me that I do not need the drugs, that is just the Demons inside of me that are causing me to have these things to happen to me. Well, So far they seem to be working, I watch her from the back and there she is waving hands over me like they are going to change me. Sorry mom, I do not it is going to work at least at this time. I love her for thinking it is my demons but they are mine and no those bad nights we play Parcheesi together.
When I shop, I look at the floor not to be disrespectful. I count the tiles. I count light switches, I count door locks, Not to keep from disrespectful to anyone, just to keep my mind away from persons. I cannot stand interaction. When I go out to eat I sit near a window, so I can see outside.
This is the normal routine. My lovely future spouse who has been very supportive of me was suppose to be meeting me back at the shoe department decided to make a detour to wherever she God Forsaken went on a stint into a Women's Wardrobe department. I keep my phone on so I can keep in touch with her and this time she decided to leave it in the van.
I freaked. I just lost it. Here I was and this was not the time that I didnt not need to be out of touch with her. I didm have one attendant ask me if I needed help with anything but I think it was more of a ruse to see if I was trying to take anything. You know how they do, maybe it was just my paranoia. At least there was someone that was there that was talking an interest in me.
No matter what that meant. I finally met my Fiance, and we went about our shopping. I was a bit frustrated I have to admit because I felt as if I had been abandoned. Not only frustrated! I do not do well in stores and she knows this. I think the worst thing about this is that my counselor that is suppose to be there at MHMR (Mental Health, Mental Retardation) was not available because it was a weekend.
My Counselor gave me her e-mail her the other day and I, Like the freak that I am read each and every bit of every mail service that I have on a daily basis. No matter who it is and no matter if it is junk or not. This is one time that I needed that response and there it was not.
I just hope that I can make this work and find some solice in all of this
SIKOLTO
Tags:children, mental illnessLocation:Listening To The Rain As It Quietly And Softly PattersMood:uncomfortableMusic:Grand Funk Railroad "Closer To My Home"
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As you know, I am Sikolto,
Screamer to my Hungarian Friends,
Tom, To My English Friends:
I had what had to be the worst manic attack that I have ever had in my life. At this moment I am still shaking, I am nervous and it all came down to something as simple as going to Wal-Mart during the day. I don't do days very well.
I am a night person. I am agoraphobic and because of something that happened to me when I was very small, about 11 to 13, that I have never dealt with , I choose to stay inside and iI choose to not to be around many people. Whenever I am out, during the day, I usually have to let someone to drive. I do not handle pressure very well. I begin to go into episodes that mimic "Rain-Man".
I cannot speak, I cannot be inside unless it is on my terms, if inside, that is a joke, because I do not know how to interact with others. I cannot stand crowds. What can I say? I am a God blessed freak that needs not attention but just some guidance., I want to act like a normal "Human being". For God's sake, I feel like Piece of crap and I cannot take it at times.
I go to my Priest who tells me that I need to talk to the Lord and he says that he will guide me into the right direction. Um, well, so far, I guess the suicide attempts one of which worked and got me to flat line twice in a hospital on Christmas Eve 2007 was not enough to let him know that I needed some one give me some into my situation. Damn! I didn't come there for a counsel by a word of mouth, I need answers and this is by a person that is suppose to be the voice of the all mighty.
My Mother, Bless her heart, goes to a Pentecostal Church and tells me that I do not need the drugs, that is just the Demons inside of me that are causing me to have these things to happen to me. Well, So far they seem to be working, I watch her from the back and there she is waving hands over me like they are going to change me. Sorry mom, I do not it is going to work at least at this time. I love her for thinking it is my demons but they are mine and no those bad nights we play Parcheesi together.
When I shop, I look at the floor not to be disrespectful. I count the tiles. I count light switches, I count door locks, Not to keep from disrespectful to anyone, just to keep my mind away from persons. I cannot stand interaction. When I go out to eat I sit near a window, so I can see outside.
This is the normal routine. My lovely future spouse who has been very supportive of me was suppose to be meeting me back at the shoe department decided to make a detour to wherever she God Forsaken went on a stint into a Women's Wardrobe department. I keep my phone on so I can keep in touch with her and this time she decided to leave it in the van.
I freaked. I just lost it. Here I was and this was not the time that I didnt not need to be out of touch with her. I didm have one attendant ask me if I needed help with anything but I think it was more of a ruse to see if I was trying to take anything. You know how they do, maybe it was just my paranoia. At least there was someone that was there that was talking an interest in me.
No matter what that meant. I finally met my Fiance, and we went about our shopping. I was a bit frustrated I have to admit because I felt as if I had been abandoned. Not only frustrated! I do not do well in stores and she knows this. I think the worst thing about this is that my counselor that is suppose to be there at MHMR (Mental Health, Mental Retardation) was not available because it was a weekend.
My Counselor gave me her e-mail her the other day and I, Like the freak that I am read each and every bit of every mail service that I have on a daily basis. No matter who it is and no matter if it is junk or not. This is one time that I needed that response and there it was not.
I just hope that I can make this work and find some solice in all of this
SIKOLTO
Tags:children, mental illnessLocation:Listening To The Rain As It Quietly And Softly PattersMood:uncomfortableMusic:Grand Funk Railroad "Closer To My Home"
SpeakLinkEditEdit TagsRememberTell a FriendTrack Comments