OMG What The Hell Have I Done To Deserve This ???
Where do I begin? I picked up my son at the bus station on Sunday the 18th and it seemed like it would be a great visit if not change for him after the first 18 years of his life being as difficult as it was. I should have known something was up when his maternal family started talking less and less to him as the days went on. It would be very
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I too have a grown son who grew up away from me and who seems determined to never let his behaviour match the maturity of his physical body.
He has not ever been diagnosed with anything but I suspect he's not like he is because he's 100% normal!
However, like your son he seems bent on getting what he wants when he wants it - even if it means spending a whole two weeks worth of income in two days and then spounging off everyone else to make do til his next pay.
He seems determined to never face up to what he does - always expecting others to bail him out and fix it for him - only to then go off and screw it all up yet again!
When he left home at 18 I told him I would not lend him money but I would not see him go hungry - so he used to spend all his money and then come to me for food and also expected me to put him up every time he got evicted from not paying rent.
Finally when he was 21 I sat him down and told him that while he was still my son, he was no longer my 'child', so it was now entirely his reponsiblity to feed, clothe and shelter himself. I would not help him any more.
At first he tried to ignore it and would phone asking for help. When I persistently said no (without giving an excuse, but simply because I had said i would say no) he began to notice and stopped asking.
Unfortunately it wasn't enough to inspire him to get a job and keep a roof over his own head and he ended up sleeping on the streets. Still I would not help him. It would be just like throwing money down a bottomless pit. It would all be gone in two days and he would be in the same position again.
So far I have no solution to it...:(
For the record, I think it's the hardest thing for a parent to say no to their offspring when they come to you acting needy. Saying no goes against all our natural instincts - but it is definitely the right thing to do.
I take care not to show him I am angry. I always say it's good to see him when I see him (even when I KNOW he's only come around to try to spounge money from me), and I always tell him I love him, but equally calmly I now always refuse to help.
I feel it's the only way to either get it through to him he needs to change, or get it through to him that maybe he needs professional help somehow.
I really do wish my disorder had been diagnosed before I had children, so I didn't have to pass on the predisposition to this sort of stuff to them. But what's done is done and sometimes the best way to show we love them is to be firm, even when it IS hard.
You are doing well. Sometime down the track he will see what you've done and appreciate it. Stick to your guns.
*hugs*
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