(no subject)

Nov 07, 2005 20:13

Hey Livejournal. It's been a long time.

Uhhhh, I've had stuff to talk about, but I'd sooner work through it myself, I guess. So I did. But a lot of it wasn't me, it was just... stuff.

My friends from home and I were all falling apart, but after we fell apart and experienced a few things, I guess we realized how much we really need each other. Something like that. Matt dropped out of school and I felt like I was pretty close behind him for awhile. He was always the one who said he couldn't open up to anyone because he thought it was a weakness, and then it ended up being the thing that brought him down. He hasn't talked to me since he left school. I heard it from his cousin. Which is kind of the worst part about it, I think. He did used to be able to talk to me. All the time. And to think that whatever our respective first college semesters entailed last year could kill something like that... well, I don't really know what to say about it all, really. I'm sad for him. I wish I could do something, but I can't. So I'll just watch and hope, I guess.

Kim is dating another winner. I guess at least she's moved on from Ronnie, but my sister met him and her roommate used to date him. So, he's like 30. And has spent time in jail. She's trying to save the world one boyfriend at a time. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. And you can't change someone if you don't have the energy to help them realize it's a problem. If she's happy, then it's cool. I guess we haven't really been actual friends for a few years now. She's been putting Erin and I on the backburner after whoever she was dating since junior year - just keeps coming back to hang out when the relationship inevitably fails. I know it's shitty to say; but it's a lot harder to watch.

J and I are cool again, which I am so thankful for. Whatever mood he had found himself in for last year and the summer is over and he's back to himself. Or maybe I'm back to myself. Either way, thank god. I missed him a lot.

Ryan and I are fab. I miss the hell out of him. Every day, especially when I actually get to talk to him. But I know that these feelings aren't fake. I'd be okay if we broke up tomorrow and never dated again, but if we lost our friendship, I don't really know what I'd do. It's not the relationship I value, for once. It's the actual person. I'm just so comfortable with him, I don't need to have my name written all over him or scream to everyone that I'm Ryan's girlfriend or that Ryan is my boyfriend. I've never been in a relationship like that, and maybe that's why it works. There's very little jealousy, but there's a lot of support. He's a catch, even if he won't be my catch forever.

Overall quality of life is good. It's comfortable. It's happening.

I've had so much on my mind lately though. I've decided I want to change the world. Uncorruptly. And that if I could be someone else for a day, it'd be Bono. I want to make people feel good about helping people, instead of guilting them into it, like I do now. I want to make a lot of other people happy. I want to work on something that is bigger than me or my whole life. I want the stuff that I do in my life to outlive my body.

Gandhi said "My life is my mission." Well, I want it to be. I take so little for granted now. And overall, I'm just happy to be alive. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. I love learning and I love my education. I love my future.
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