fic: it is what it is, [spn]
Summary: coda for "The Mentalist" set between 7.06 and 7.07.
Notes: Not really sure what I think about season 7 but figured that I better break my Season 7 cherry, lol. This is for Darcy because for some reason she wanted to write season 7 fic. And because she's awesome, talented and a really good friend who puts up with my neurotic, spazzy emails (true story). Love you hun!
We hit a wall and we can't get over it
Nothing to relive
It's water under the bridge
You said it, I get it
I guess it is what it is
It's been a week since Sam walked away from Dean and he's had a lot of time to think. Well as much time as one could have while having vivid hallucinations about their time in hell. He's gone from being angry, to understanding why Dean did to being angry again and really it's just exhausting. He thinks about calling but he can't bring himself to do it because he might up to face up to the fact that he's possibly being childish about this. He knows that Dean needs him on side more than ever, and he knows that Dean's going to be going out of his mind with worry. But he's not sure that Dean knows how much he hurt him. Sam thought that his brother was ready to trust him again but apparently he's still paying for his past mistakes. And well…he's tired. Maybe he's being selfish but he just wants a clean slate, he wants to start over, he wants Dean to trust him enough to tell him what the hell is going on with him. That's what hurts him the most, Dean lying to him over and over. The situation regarding Amy's situation and consequent death is just the tip of the iceberg. Sam knows that he can be irrational sometimes. Maybe he wasn't impartial to the Amy situation. Okay, so he really wasn't but that doesn't make what Dean did right. Plus, he knows that's just a small part of the bigger picture and he just wishes that he didn't have to coax every little truth out of his brother's mouth. He wishes that Dean would just come to him. Just once.
Truthfully though, Sam just needs a bit of a breather. He's tired of Dean walking around on eggshells around him. Sam's tired of waiting for the hallucinations to get the better of him. He just wants to his job and pretends that he's normal, that he can function just like everybody else. He's good at what he does. Sam doesn't need to watch while Dean and Bobby treat him like some sort of freak constantly. He can't help being affected by the same things over and over again because that's just how life is. It's like a never-ending rollercoaster of disappointment and sometimes he just wants it to stop. He just wants to be Sam Winchester, he wants his heart to stop being so heavy and full of trepidation. Sam wants to feel fearless. But not like before when the his greed for strength and power consumed him. He wants to recapture that feeling of being able to anything as long as he had Dean by his side. He wants them to be…them again. Sam's not stupid though, he knows that it's just not that easy but he wishes that it could be.
But he's wise enough to know that it'll never happen.
So pretending that he's in his own world for a while? It's the best thing for him.
Right?