I'm a horrible person; I don't see why everyone thinks I'm not

Aug 25, 2009 01:20

So things are finally looking up for me I think. I am wary of getting too excited about it though, because the rug could come up from under me at any time despite what anyone else says.

So the college issue has been solved: I start school August 31st and I've already gotten my textbooks and everything. I'm excited but no one can tell the difference. I guess that tells me how much these people really know about me but I'm not totally forthcoming about myself so I understand the lapse. *sigh*

Sunday's incident really put things into perspective for me, and I can finally look myself in the face and see it for what it is. I am not a nice person; however I also am not a terrible one- at least not yet anyway. I still have a whole lot of life to live.

Anyway- Sunday, one of the dancers at our church was leaving for college (she's going to the University of Maryland Eastern Shore and Sunday was her last day) So after they did their dance, they presented her with a gift from the dance ministry and her mom told her how proud she was of her and all that.

I couldn't help but feel a bit jealous of her- not because of anything our church did, but because of how well her life is going for her right now. Immediately after I felt that jealousy in my heart I felt ashamed of myself for even thinking something like that, even in passing.

Nothing I planned for myself thus far has really yielded any results; I didn't get any scholarships, except for my GEM scholarship and I was worried that I wouldn't get enough financial aid for the college I wanted to go to- but in the end it didn't even matter because I got wait listed by them and it didn't look like I would be going anywhere for college come fall. All my friends were telling me about their college acceptances and so happy when they got their letters and such... and it filled me with a deep sadness because I wouldn't be able to share something like that with my own family. Who gets excited about going to community college? You can always get into one and my mother wasn't totally excited about it but she's glad I'm even going to college.

Then I think back to Chantese and how happy her mother was about her daughter's accomplishments and I was so envious because, in a way, I felt like I had failed my own mother and let her down. She's always had such high expectations of me from an early age- wanting me to use my talents to their fullest and bless other's with what I have, while still concentrating on my school-work and getting good grades. I was never the straight A student she wanted me to be, but I always gave my all to school and I was always proud of myself even if she wasn't. After all this time, and after all my hard work and I couldn't even get into university... it made me hate myself for awhile, though I smiled and kept going with my life. It really weighed on my mind and after church I felt... off. I sat an thought about it awhile, but on the best of days my face is an open book. I talked to my mom about it on the way home and she told me that everyone has their own successes and sometimes it might take a bit longer to reach them compared to others. She told me I had to stop thinking that I was any less of a woman for not getting into a four-year straight out of high-school, and that community was better anyway since I won't even start classes form my major until at least sophomore -junior year. This way I can save some money, and I can always transfer later. Later, at the supermarket, I ran into Shykera's mother and she told me much the same. I can't let anything or anyone make me feel like what i've done isn't important and to just be patient and believe that things will work out for the better. I was so glad I ran into her Sunday evening- she told me just what I needed to hear I am so thankful for that.

Now I am ready to attack this thing with a new mind and a fresh perspective. This isn't the end, merely a small setback- though things didn't quite go as planned, as long as I actively work to improve them, I will still reach my own personal success. I won't enter this new chapter of my life with a spirit of complacency or defeat because I haven't been beaten yet. Maybe this wasn't the right time to go away, I still need some time to grow as a woman first but when it IS time... I'll be ready.

school, thoughts, life

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