A remembrance
Tomorrow, it will have been three years since
I can't sleep. People keep calling. I am so tired, but trying to sleep means that you are unoccupied and free to think about things and that is the worst. It is almost OK when I am watching TV and not thinking about it.
I just can't believe it happened. It didn't happen. It really does feel like a dream. I just don't want to accept that it is real. It can't be. It isn't.
He was only 18 for gods sake. All I know is that he wasn't wearing his seatbelt and his truck flipped. He went out and his truck landed on him. There were four? other people in the car (all who are fine) and they got out and did cpr on him. They said they got him to breathe twice and open his eyes once. I dont want to forget anything. I hope he didn't suffer.
My dad called me at Chris' at midnight and told chris to drive me to the ER. I knew he was ok. He always is. I wasn't worried. I figured he would be coming home soon. When I got there and htey found out who I was they put me in a special room. Then a woman came by and was like "Is that Jessica Starring? Oh. Well, let me go get her dad to come out here first.." and he did and he told me that Chad wasn't with us anymore and I screamed. I screamed so loud (in my head it was loud) I kept saying "no". Then we went back to say goodbye to him.
I wanted to stay with him forever and just memorize his whole face. He was so cold... But he looked so real, alive. He looked like he was just in the hospital in a coma but without any machines hooked up or anything. I wanted him to wake up. This can't be happening. I held his hand and studied his chewed nails that look just like mine. He looked so normal, just like my Chaddy. We stayed with him for about two hours then the medical examiner came to take him so we left. We just walked out of the room and left my brother lying there. This is a dream. I want him back.
No one talked on the way home. Then we went to our rooms and I can't sleep. My heart hurts so much and I can't sleep. I don't want to think about it. I wish I had some sedatives or something so I could rest. Everything seems completly petty now that this happened. Little problems I had before are nonexistant. This isn't happening. This only happens to people you know. When I got home I kept smelling my hands because it smelled like hospital and like him tonight. The last time I talked to him was yesterday when he called to tell me I had a package at home. I remember thinking how great of a brother he was for calling me just to tell me that.
I didn't want to leave him.... I wanted to stay with him forever. I love you so much Chaddy.
I need to sleep, but i'm afraid to.
This didn't happen. It is a dream. It isn't real. God, please say this isn't real.
Current Mood: devastated
I will probably post this every year. I think about him all the time, but even my mind forgets the details.
"Men die, but sorrow never dies; The crowding years divide in vain, And the wide world is knit with ties of common brotherhood in pain." -Sarah Chauncey Woolsey
04/04/85 Michael Chad Starring 07/01/03
I can't sleep. People keep calling. I am so tired, but trying to sleep means that you are unoccupied and free to think about things and that is the worst. It is almost OK when I am watching TV and not thinking about it.
I just can't believe it happened. It didn't happen. It really does feel like a dream. I just don't want to accept that it is real. It can't be. It isn't.
He was only 18 for gods sake. All I know is that he wasn't wearing his seatbelt and his truck flipped. He went out and his truck landed on him. There were four? other people in the car (all who are fine) and they got out and did cpr on him. They said they got him to breathe twice and open his eyes once. I dont want to forget anything. I hope he didn't suffer.
My dad called me at Chris' at midnight and told chris to drive me to the ER. I knew he was ok. He always is. I wasn't worried. I figured he would be coming home soon. When I got there and htey found out who I was they put me in a special room. Then a woman came by and was like "Is that Jessica Starring? Oh. Well, let me go get her dad to come out here first.." and he did and he told me that Chad wasn't with us anymore and I screamed. I screamed so loud (in my head it was loud) I kept saying "no". Then we went back to say goodbye to him.
I wanted to stay with him forever and just memorize his whole face. He was so cold... But he looked so real, alive. He looked like he was just in the hospital in a coma but without any machines hooked up or anything. I wanted him to wake up. This can't be happening. I held his hand and studied his chewed nails that look just like mine. He looked so normal, just like my Chaddy. We stayed with him for about two hours then the medical examiner came to take him so we left. We just walked out of the room and left my brother lying there. This is a dream. I want him back.
No one talked on the way home. Then we went to our rooms and I can't sleep. My heart hurts so much and I can't sleep. I don't want to think about it. I wish I had some sedatives or something so I could rest. Everything seems completly petty now that this happened. Little problems I had before are nonexistant. This isn't happening. This only happens to people you know. When I got home I kept smelling my hands because it smelled like hospital and like him tonight. The last time I talked to him was yesterday when he called to tell me I had a package at home. I remember thinking how great of a brother he was for calling me just to tell me that.
I didn't want to leave him.... I wanted to stay with him forever. I love you so much Chaddy.
I need to sleep, but i'm afraid to.
This didn't happen. It is a dream. It isn't real. God, please say this isn't real.
Current Mood: devastated
I will probably post this every year. I think about him all the time, but even my mind forgets the details.
"Men die, but sorrow never dies; The crowding years divide in vain, And the wide world is knit with ties of common brotherhood in pain." -Sarah Chauncey Woolsey
04/04/85 Michael Chad Starring 07/01/03