Confession
The way I've been relating to the world for the past year and 8 months or so is a fake persona. It's Grace. I wanted to protect myself - she, though fictitious, does it better than anyone I knew. I wanted not to be noticed. There were a few people who saw right through that, or maybe it was something different. I made some amazing friends this year who I guess where meant to see throught it. Chad noticed me because I was "trying desperately not to be noticed." I didn't like you and you knew it pretty much right off the bat.
I'm not that way. I've noticed this ever since I started taking my Synthroid. Synthroid is for my thyroid because it's underactive and when it's underactive it can cause depression (check), constant fatigue (check), and losing interest (check), among other things.
I really am a pretty friendly and agreable person. I don't agree just to agree - if I disagree I'll have a little discussion about it. But the point is, I'm not Grace even though I tried so hard to be just like her. Sometimes I feel like Joan, but I know that I'm not her either.
I bet that if you asked Katie, Katrina, Caitlyn, Bonnie, or Chad to define me, explain me, describe me... they'd do an amazing job. Far better, more sincere, than I could do on my own. It's kind of scary that they know who I am and sometimes I have trouble not trying to be someone else. It's easier to be someone else. They're all mapped out for you. You know who they are. I can write Grace and Joan - I guess that gives me a little extra help trying to be them.
But I can't hide from me forever. I'm more hyper and exciteable than I'd like to be. I'm less harsh, less private than who I would like to be. I love people. (I hate some, but I love quite a few.) I get really excited when my rats are happy or when I can help out ratkind in some way. I love to shop, which seems so girly and spoiled, but I love it. I like doing my nails. I have a lipbalm dependence. I tell my friends I love them and I mean it in a scary kind of way.
I really do love Bonnie and Caitlyn and Katrina and Katie more than I've ever loved any friends before. Katrina and Katie really pulled me through some hard times, some relatively friendless times. Bonnie and Caitlyn have been there for me for over a year now. We're not really that much alike. We all have our little links. But we care and that's so important to me, to have people to care about that care about you.
I love my rats. They're my babies and I would do anything for them. Hell, I'm getting a job at a fucking fast food restaurant (if I can) to save up some money to pay any future vet bills. It means a lot to me when they get excited to see me just because I am who I am - their mommy.
I love Chad. He's everything I never thought I would find. I've always had this longing for something special in someone and it's never gone away until now. He means the world to me. He actually treats me like I'm everything he's ever wanted - he doesn't just say it. He thinks I'm gorgeous. He'll kiss me even after I've given one of the rats a kiss. He's good to me, he's kind, he cares. I feel like I see that missing with people sometimes - they stop trying to be kind. Not only would I really like to be with him for a very long time, but I can see it happening. I'm not saying it's for sure. I'm just saying that I'll do whatever I can.
Alright, I'm done now. I had to write and it just flowed out. I hope someone reads this, but if they don't, it's cool. It was for my benefit after all.
I'm not that way. I've noticed this ever since I started taking my Synthroid. Synthroid is for my thyroid because it's underactive and when it's underactive it can cause depression (check), constant fatigue (check), and losing interest (check), among other things.
I really am a pretty friendly and agreable person. I don't agree just to agree - if I disagree I'll have a little discussion about it. But the point is, I'm not Grace even though I tried so hard to be just like her. Sometimes I feel like Joan, but I know that I'm not her either.
I bet that if you asked Katie, Katrina, Caitlyn, Bonnie, or Chad to define me, explain me, describe me... they'd do an amazing job. Far better, more sincere, than I could do on my own. It's kind of scary that they know who I am and sometimes I have trouble not trying to be someone else. It's easier to be someone else. They're all mapped out for you. You know who they are. I can write Grace and Joan - I guess that gives me a little extra help trying to be them.
But I can't hide from me forever. I'm more hyper and exciteable than I'd like to be. I'm less harsh, less private than who I would like to be. I love people. (I hate some, but I love quite a few.) I get really excited when my rats are happy or when I can help out ratkind in some way. I love to shop, which seems so girly and spoiled, but I love it. I like doing my nails. I have a lipbalm dependence. I tell my friends I love them and I mean it in a scary kind of way.
I really do love Bonnie and Caitlyn and Katrina and Katie more than I've ever loved any friends before. Katrina and Katie really pulled me through some hard times, some relatively friendless times. Bonnie and Caitlyn have been there for me for over a year now. We're not really that much alike. We all have our little links. But we care and that's so important to me, to have people to care about that care about you.
I love my rats. They're my babies and I would do anything for them. Hell, I'm getting a job at a fucking fast food restaurant (if I can) to save up some money to pay any future vet bills. It means a lot to me when they get excited to see me just because I am who I am - their mommy.
I love Chad. He's everything I never thought I would find. I've always had this longing for something special in someone and it's never gone away until now. He means the world to me. He actually treats me like I'm everything he's ever wanted - he doesn't just say it. He thinks I'm gorgeous. He'll kiss me even after I've given one of the rats a kiss. He's good to me, he's kind, he cares. I feel like I see that missing with people sometimes - they stop trying to be kind. Not only would I really like to be with him for a very long time, but I can see it happening. I'm not saying it's for sure. I'm just saying that I'll do whatever I can.
Alright, I'm done now. I had to write and it just flowed out. I hope someone reads this, but if they don't, it's cool. It was for my benefit after all.