hand in unloveable hand
friday night everything that i thought might happen happened, perhaps. i fell into a thousand mirrors and woke up crying in the arms of some boy who has nothing better to do than listen to me scream, i suppose. i talked for an hour straight in darkened rooms and shut us up inside sterile kitchens, hoping to finally, finally break. i told him, "there's this girl. there's this girl, and she makes me want to _______." i was too drunk to remember how i finished the sentence. something about stars.
saturday morning i went to an unmade bed and slept until sunday afternoon, essentially, punctuated midway through by ill-timed phone calls. i never wanted to wake from the dreams i was having.* (you wouldn't have wanted to either.)
[also, this. and that's why i told him it was impossible for anyone to love me.
and here is a photo of my cousin and me at age four. i wish i still owned that hat.]
* and i wish i could tell you i was sad for any justifiable reason. but i'm sad because i'm lazy, i'm sad because i'm ugly, i'm sad because i care about things like this. i'm sad because i keep wishing the world would end, i'm sad because life isn't fair, i'm sad because i feel like i exist outside everyone else.
saturday morning i went to an unmade bed and slept until sunday afternoon, essentially, punctuated midway through by ill-timed phone calls. i never wanted to wake from the dreams i was having.* (you wouldn't have wanted to either.)
[also, this. and that's why i told him it was impossible for anyone to love me.
and here is a photo of my cousin and me at age four. i wish i still owned that hat.]
* and i wish i could tell you i was sad for any justifiable reason. but i'm sad because i'm lazy, i'm sad because i'm ugly, i'm sad because i care about things like this. i'm sad because i keep wishing the world would end, i'm sad because life isn't fair, i'm sad because i feel like i exist outside everyone else.