pillar of salt
Sometimes I feel that when really wonderful things happen to me in some parts of my life, that there are other parts of my life that suffer to keep me balanced. Maybe it's just a matter of perception, but all I know right now is that a while ago something really fucking amazing happened to me and still is happening; it just seems like everything else has gone to total shit.
I'll hold onto it, that good thing, forever -hopefully. In the meantime I just need to somehow figure out how to put everything else back in order.
I miss my friends, desparately. I know I've said this a million times. They are my brothers and sisters. They are my family. They keep me true to myself, something I've been forgetting lately.
I know it's important for me to be in the place where I'm at right now. I need to, now more than ever, establish emotional indepedence if I am to move forward in my relationships. But it's hard, and it sucks. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe there is no such thing, and in a quest to become a better person I've hallowed myself.
Things at school are okay - good even, in case I haven't told you. My poetry professor is going to help me send off portfolios to be published in some journals. It was nice to get that sort of positive reinforcement. Not nice, actually mandatory, because I lack that sort of self-confidence (one reason I may never become a true artist). My fiction class remains as abitrary as ever, not really worth mentioning. German & Art History - classes are classes and while I enjoy them and will even continue my studies in both of those fields - they are just classes.
I'm going to overload my semesters for the remainder of my undergrad so I can move on asap. The more I research grad schools the more I find that I really want to stay at UH for the PhD, but I don't know if I can get it. I never knew how steep the competition is here. inner turmoil = i don't want to live her for 7 more years + i'm pretty damn burnt out from school. but i get a hard on everytime i look at the courses i'll be taking , especially if i get a teacher's fellowship.
ugh, finanacial stress is the worst. i'm trying very hard to get to the point of financial independence. i should have thought about that before i trekked down this path, huh? oh well, no regrets. i can't worry about what won't change and focus on moving forward. only it's so hard doing it alone.
I'll hold onto it, that good thing, forever -hopefully. In the meantime I just need to somehow figure out how to put everything else back in order.
I miss my friends, desparately. I know I've said this a million times. They are my brothers and sisters. They are my family. They keep me true to myself, something I've been forgetting lately.
I know it's important for me to be in the place where I'm at right now. I need to, now more than ever, establish emotional indepedence if I am to move forward in my relationships. But it's hard, and it sucks. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe there is no such thing, and in a quest to become a better person I've hallowed myself.
Things at school are okay - good even, in case I haven't told you. My poetry professor is going to help me send off portfolios to be published in some journals. It was nice to get that sort of positive reinforcement. Not nice, actually mandatory, because I lack that sort of self-confidence (one reason I may never become a true artist). My fiction class remains as abitrary as ever, not really worth mentioning. German & Art History - classes are classes and while I enjoy them and will even continue my studies in both of those fields - they are just classes.
I'm going to overload my semesters for the remainder of my undergrad so I can move on asap. The more I research grad schools the more I find that I really want to stay at UH for the PhD, but I don't know if I can get it. I never knew how steep the competition is here. inner turmoil = i don't want to live her for 7 more years + i'm pretty damn burnt out from school. but i get a hard on everytime i look at the courses i'll be taking , especially if i get a teacher's fellowship.
ugh, finanacial stress is the worst. i'm trying very hard to get to the point of financial independence. i should have thought about that before i trekked down this path, huh? oh well, no regrets. i can't worry about what won't change and focus on moving forward. only it's so hard doing it alone.