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Blushes. That's what some selected few people call me. It's a good nickname I think. Afterall, Lord knows I blush way too much, and way to easily.
I'm still having a hard time with the "you think you know me." crap. Get over yourself. Seriously. It gets real old, real fast.
I am starting to get a little more....self-conscious though, while at the same time, starting to actually feel really good about being me and myself. Maybe it's the fact that for so long I never really thought of myself as actually remotely attractive, that caused this huge lack of self-confidence. And now that I'm starting to gain some, I'm still a little fearful of how I'll look in other people's eyes. You know, the "wow, she's a little cocky, self-obsorbed bitch" when those closest to me should know that that is far from the truth. Again: You don't know me. Don't try to prend you do. Don't judge me till you get to know me. The real me. At times, I'm good at wearing a mask to hide the stupid imperfections that I despise about myself. (Afterall, some of my pictures I have labled as "I'm a retard." or "wow, I'm a freak." because while others think they look good, I still find myself, having a hard time believing it.)I've always been a firm believer that my personality was what was my most attractive feature about myself. Now I'm starting to actually see all of me as being attractive and beautiful. Not just my mind and my soul, but the outside too. What people actually see and look at. I don't feel as unattractive as I used to.
And I'll be honest. I can't help but feel good, (blush a lot) when I get nice comments about my apperance. I'm so not used to it really-- so I may gush a little at first, while at the same time, wondering if it's for real, or just some nasty sarcastic comment I have yet to pick up on. And the blushing...yes get used to the flippin' blushing. It's what I do.
Allow me to show you some of the pictures that have helped gain some self-confidence. I'll even add comments explaining the picture to you.
This first picture has come to make me feel...pretty good. Seems to be popular. It's my sassy or saucy look. Or something close to that. It has been referred to as "hotttt" and yes...that's with Four t's. A major blushing factor when I saw that comment.
Next is one I didn't think was all that good. Until I got a comment on it. I later came to find that the guy who commented on this picture asked my friend Nick if I have always been this hot. Nick answered: "Oh yea." which again...came to make me feel really good. Again....note that I am blushing at this.
I've been told Heather takes a really good picture. And this one seems to be a nice one of me. I think, a little more natural.
Of course there is the natural me. Jim says he really loves this picture. That I have a very attractive smile.
In this picture, Heather and I were told we should be models. I love it too. I actually feel good about this picture. I think we are so cute. We both have very bright eyes.
This next picture is my myspace whore picture. I laugh and find it so funny at some of the pictures girls have on their myspaces which make them look sexy, yet very trashy and...well...whore-ish. Now, while there are two types of myspace whores: the ones who spend a lot of time on it, and the ones who spend a lot of time, but also have trashy pictures to gain more friends. I decided to attempt to make one...without being as trashy or slutty as some of them. This is what came out.
I'm going to talk more about this ^ picture right here. I explained the background story...now let me explain that this picture had me embarrassed to show anyone who didn't know me. Like I stated, I am nothing like this because I don't flaunt my body like this. However....those who have seen it have made me feel very good about it. Yes, it sorta is trashy...remember, that's kind of what I was attempting to do. But when I became very embarrassed infront of a group of guys who stumbled upon this...they made me feel very good. "To be completely honest, it's very hot." as one of them put it after making the "wow, whose that?" comment. Richie told me I had a hot bod. (And this would be making me blushing ten times more than normal.)
This picture, I was asked "are those real?" which left me speechless. I was also asked if I would "Show those off" as well. Yes--they are real. Thank you. I guess that picture makes them look big. And once again....I was told: SniperRacing (3:02:43 AM): you are fuckin hot
Yea....I'm needless to...feeling slightly better about myself. If you have a problem with. SCREW YOU. I'm for the first time in my life...feeling attractive.