Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again....
"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"
You were once my one companion
you were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
then my world was shattered .
Wishing you were somehow here again
wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here
Wishing I could hear your voice again
knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
all that you dreamed I could . . .
Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you, the wrong companions --- you were warm and gentle
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive
teach me to live
give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye.
It sucks. It's not fair he's not here with me right now. I love him so much. He should be here with me...now. This was not how life was supposed to be played out. He should be here, giving me advice, comforting me...just here with me. Whose going to walk me down the isle now? Whose going to give his blessing to the man I want to marry? I miss him. I've been so strong for so long, and while I hit a wall from time to time, right now, since yesterday it seems the hardest on me. Hitting the wall again. I miss my dad and I can't help it. No one knows what its like to be me. All I have ever heard is how strong I am, how mature am I beyond my years... I'm weak though too. You watch a parent suffer for four years---having to help feed them, help them go to the bathroom, to drink, to move. To sit back and watch them helplessly as they lose control of bodily functions. YOU go through the hell I went through for years and tell me how you would be with a life that seems to be cursed with bad luck. You wonder and pray and question why it couldn't be you instead. I have lived and I have loved....what else do I need to do? YOU stand in my shoes for at least a moment, and tell me...how do you feel? What are YOU'RE views....how would you deal?
Part of me is starting to get sick and tired of this "I'm better than you" and "You're a bitch" and a "You're a drama queen who lives in a false reality." Because that's bullshit. My reality is more realistic and you think. My pain is more pure than you'll ever know. My life is hell, but still, I try and go on with a smile on my face to face a new day in hopes of a better one than the last. And yes, some days are better, and yes, some days are worse.... but don't you DARE think you have any fucking clue. Not just my father's death....but all the losses, the hard times I have had to deal with in my almost 20 years of being on this earth. Don't you dare judge me. Because there my friend, is where I am better than you. I don't dare sit back and say that you have it easier than me. You, need to stop being so damn narcissistic.
this truth drives me into madness i know i can stop the pain if i will it all away. don't turn away
don't give in to the pain. don't try to hide. though they're screaming your name. don't close your eyes. God knows what lies behind them. don't turn out the light. never sleep never die. i'm frightened by what i see, but somehow i know that there's much more to come. immobilized by my fear and soon to be blinded by tears fallen angels at my feet whispered voices at my ear death before my eyes lying next to me i fear she beckons me shall i give in upon my end shall i begin forsaking all i've fallen for i rise to meet the end
I linger in the doorway, of alarm clocks screaming monsters calling my name. Let me stay, where the wind will whisper to me, where the raindrops as their falling tell a story.... Don't say I'm out of touch with this rampt chaos; your reality. I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge. The nightmare I built my own world to escape...How I long for the deep sleep dreaming; the goddess of imaginary light.