(no subject)
Number of times I've smiled today: Zero. Not even a fake smile around my coworkers. "Nothing's wrong," I'll reply,"I'm just tired" What a dreadful lie. Everything is wrong right now. I just woke up this morning realizing every shitty aspect of my life, and these thoughts have been hanging over me like a black cloud all day. Namely the fact that I'm miserably lonely, and that I was a total asshole and I probably deserved it. It's almost amusing pretending to be happy for long periods of time; after a while, you almost begin to believe it, until mornings like these. Why do I pretend to be happy and careless to make things easier on other people? Why don't I pay enough attention to the good things when I have them? Does anyone have any xanax I can buy? Some hydrocodeine? Some Prozac? I'm serious, I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Godamnit. Anyway, tomorrow night after the Flatline show Brian mosh and I are going to Austin for the weekend, and I can't promise I'm going down there with good intentions. I'm feeling so many shitty emotions right now, and I feel like I'm probably going to do two things I don't normally do. I'm only human. Regardless of what I do or don't do on my stay, I need to get out this town for a few days, that's for sure.
And when I come back, hopefully my head will be cleared, and I'll start fresh. Maybe finally begin work on my novel? Who knows. Probably not.
Godamnit. Anyway, tomorrow night after the Flatline show Brian mosh and I are going to Austin for the weekend, and I can't promise I'm going down there with good intentions. I'm feeling so many shitty emotions right now, and I feel like I'm probably going to do two things I don't normally do. I'm only human. Regardless of what I do or don't do on my stay, I need to get out this town for a few days, that's for sure.
And when I come back, hopefully my head will be cleared, and I'll start fresh. Maybe finally begin work on my novel? Who knows. Probably not.