The things I can't tell you yet.
I miss telling you everything, the stream of consciousness in my mind. I wanted to write you an email, but I know I'm supposed to give you space. In the past, the desperation would have overwhelmed me. I'dve been on a plane by now. I guess it's something that a part of me is stoically, Britishly resigned.
You told me I don't have conviction, that I'm reactionary, and I see that part of myself- really, I do. It's the part that's willing to walk away from the apartment I own, the career I've built, to kneel at your feet and beg for acceptance. And even committing those words to this page means that's a part of me. It's not the prettiest part of me. It's the desperation that I'll never be really sure I'll ever be free of.
But it makes me fierce and loyal, more than one might expect, considering the situation. Loyalty kept me here. Belief, devotion. It kept me here the last 18 months even when it shouldn't have. And part of me...it likes that I can be that devoted. Because if I can devote myself to the right person (to you? to someone who would value me, love me, never raise his voice or hand to me?), then it should give you some faith that I wouldn't leave, not for a distraction, not for a pretty face, not easily.
(Nothing I have ever done in life has been easy.)
I love you. And I have to choose to do this the way I feel like I can. And yes, maybe it is cowardly for another person. Maybe it is slow, and hesitant. You were right about honesty. So I will tell him. I will say, "I met someone and fell in love with them. I realized there could be more to life and to a partnership. I don't know if that person wants to be with me. But I know that I can't be with you. Because both of us deserve a partnership like I've seen. We deserve to be with someone who loves us wholeheartedly. Who is considerate, and kind, and wants a future with us- and who is not afraid of that future. Who is not afraid of what other people think. We are not that for each other. We care about each other, but we are broken and I cannot unfeel these things. I will do what I can to make this transition easier for you, and you should take time to think about what you want without me- but we cannot continue life together. And I am sorry. I am so sorry, for the ways in which I have failed you. I am sorry that I let you down. I am sorry that I fell in love with someone else."
Because you are right. It is going to feel better to be honest. It is going to be better to be honest.
I am not, however, going to give him details that only serve to hurt and traumatize. I will not tell him where we met, or when. I guess later you will tell me if that's me avoiding confrontation or not. You are right that I avoided the situation, but I still think there are ways to handle things that don't have to cripple people for life.
But I am still sorry that I hurt you.
I miss you. I miss laughing with you, and watching the way your eyes crinkle in the corners when you're really laughing. I talked to Nancy today, and she was trying to tell me that I might not even love you in one month's time, and I burst out crying and couldn't stop- I couldn't stop the torrent of memories, the things I loved about you, how you see me for who I am and make me feel so alive and loved and inspired, so willing and excited to see what the future holds. How you have brought that out in me, not anyone else. I don't want to be a person who can walk away from that in one month. Even if you say you will. I don't want to be that. I can't be that person. I've never been that person. (Look how long it takes me to walk away, even when it hurts me.)
Is the lesson supposed to be that I need to walk away, even from you? I don't want that. I want to be strong, and honest. I want to feel good and free and clear to love you. I want you to hold my hand and look at me and know that you've seen me at my weakest and most vulnerable, that I've disappointed you, and yet you still saw something (hopefully, what I am able to do in a month?) that made you see I am not two-dimensional, that I am capable of growth and change. But the most important thing, I promise I promise, is that I will not change how I feel about you. And that I will keep trying, for a very long time, to show you that I mean it.
So since it's wrong of me to write to you now, at least I can write it here, and maybe in a few weeks you will see it and you will see that if nothing else, I meant it all.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you still have some love for me when this is done. Please still want to see me. Please be different than anybody else.